OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 06-08-05

[mooseheadjack]

Live From Shediac, New Brunswick

Intercontinental Title Match [/u]
LD Williams vs. Blackdragon

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
FF CApslock & Stank vs. 3Piece Set

Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Firechild vs. Seraph

Steel Cage Match [/u]
Hellion vs. Corax

Outback Jack & GatorBait vs. Revolution XX vs. JW Westgaard & Tommy Wilder
The Devil's Brigade vs. Moosehead Jack & Concrete TG
Beast vs. Chris Alt
Hardbody Harris & Canadian Dragon vs. Niles Anderson & Attitude Adjuster
Donovan Viper vs. Mark Vander
Microplay vs. UnderDawg
Thim Reynolds vs. Endo
GimmickMan vs. Capellan
Johnny Adrenaline vs. SoulDragon
Morte vs. Semaj B
Uncle Entity vs. Mercury


I promise my writers I will try really hard not to change anything this week

[mooseheadjack]

BD is sitting on a bench as a trainer cleans the blood from his face. He winces slightly as the astringent sting of alcohol touches his wound. Looking up, he dismisses the trainer for a moment.

BD: I hope you're watching Johnny. This little scratch is nothing. We are far from done. You may have exhausted your rematch, but mark my words, I don't plan on losing this (pats the IC belt strewn across his lap) for a very long time. So if you can crawl your way back up through the ranks I'll be waiting to whoop yo ass a third time. The thrill of beating you twice already clouded my memory for a second, but I do recall making you a promise. And I intend to keep it. Next time we step in the ring, you will not leave under your own power. I will cripple you with the Dragon Lock. This is not some veiled threat or some sign of me going bad or anything. I'm doing you a favor. I put you on the shelf for a while and you get to reevaluate whether or not this is what you really want to do with your life. Think about that when you're fighting your way through all the guys that you've screwed out of the title all these months. Me, I don't plan on doing that. I plan on going out each and every night defending this belt with my God given talent. If it's not enough, then I go back and train so that it is. If It is enough, then I can bask in the fact that I was the better man that night and not just lucky enough that the ref didn't spot me with a chain, or a chair, or a vial of mercury. Which brings me to you Mr. Willimas. Congratulations on your victory tonight. Seems like you are in line for shot at my title. Since distancing yourself from Johnny, I finally have faith that we can have a match without me taking a nine iron to the temple or a DDT on the entrance ramp. So LD, lace 'em up and I'll see you in the ring.

[mooseheadjack]

*Camera shows a breath taking coast line and a close up of the Canadian flag....the camera then fades to a dark room with Canadian Dragon under a light.*

CD: "Next week it begins. Next week I will start the climb to regain the OOWF title. Next week I return home to start a revolution in the OOWF. Next week the Summer Of The Dragon begins!"

*Fade to black.*

[mooseheadjack]

*Niles and Attitude Adjuster are looking at the card for next week and laughing to themselves.*

Niles (laughing) - Hey, Attitude! Did you hear a revolutions starting next week?

AA (in his best Canadian Dragon voice) - "The Summer of the Dragon begins!" Give me a break.

Niles - Canadian Dragon seems to forget that I beat his ass when I debuted in the fed. Man, I love these jokers.

Unknown voice - Mr. Specimen, sir?

*Niles and Attitude start looking around at the unspecified voice. All of a sudden, Niles feels a tugging at his pants. He looks down and sees Feival there, all wide-eyed.*

Feival - Mr. Specimen. I've always wanted to meet a world champ. Can I get your autograph?

Niles - Hey, Attitude, look at this cute little guy!

AA - He's adorable.

*Niles picks Feival up and looks him in the eye.*

Niles - sure litte guy, I can spare an autograph. What did you say your name was?

Feival - It's Feival.

Niles - alright Feival, just give me one second.

*Niles glances at AA and then cracks a smile. All of a sudden, he dropkicks Feival across the room. Niles and AA start laughing hysterically at this.*

Niles - come on, Attitude, we gotta go.

*Niles and AA walk off as the camera focuses on the battered, unconcious mouse. Fade to Black.*

[mooseheadjack]

Mercury is with SFJ#39.

SFJ#39 - How do you feel about Uncle Entity turning on you this week in a tag team bout?
Merc - How do you think I feel? I got disrespected, abandoned, and attacked. Entity felt he needed to turn his back on me. I put my job on the line, my health on the line everynight. I am no mans errand boy, and next week I will show it. If anyone, including Uncle Entity, try that shit on me again, the Mercury will be in thier eyes.

[mooseheadjack]

## Thim arrives at the arena and wonders backstage looking for his locker room. He's about 4 hours earlier than normal and as such everyone is still setting everything up ready for the show later that evening.

Wondering past a half built interview set Thim is assailed by SFJ#1 (you have to get there early to catch the first ones . . .)

SFJ: Thim, THIM!! You're here very early.

TR: yea, well I've got a few things I need to take care of

SFJ: OK . . . well what about your loss last week, is that one of the things you'll be taking care of tonight? According to the program you're facing Endo in singles tonight, that's a bit of a change from last week isn't it?? And what do you intend to do after loosing again last week against Firechild in your requested two out of three falls match? It was your match Thim, you wanted it, everyone says that you're the mat specialist, the submission king and yet you've been beaten two weeks running by the same man . . . Thim . . .

TR: have you QUITE finished!!!!!! I know what happenedd last week just like everyone else does. Firechild retained the Onslaught Championship thanks to the illegal interference of Seraph . . . something that is totally against the rules of this belf.

SFJ: but Seraph didn't actually get involved in the match at all

TR: What!! The lights, the music, him coming down to the ring - you don't call that getting involved?? You don't call that interference?? What the hell sort of garbage wrestling are you after?

SFJ: well, I'm just saying that he didn't actually get physically involved did he. ANyway, where do you go from here

TR: from here. The path is easy. I'm going to go through Endo, straight on to Seraph. And after both of them are destroyed I'll be back with a shot at the Onslaught Title again . . . and this time no-one will stop me from taking it.

SFJ: so what about Firechild

FC: yea Thim . . . what about me??

TR: huh??

## Having no clue that Firechild has arrived, Thim is totally blindsided by Firechild with a devastating forearm . . . Thim crashes through the half built interview set and roll to cover himself as Firechild dives after him

## Thim block like crazy as Firechild rains down with blow after blow aimed straight at Thims head.

FC: you wanted this Thim . . . backstage you said (more blows) before the event you said (more blows) unsanctioned you said (more blows)

TR: too right I did you bloody toe-rag

## Thim brings up a knee which catches FC a wicked blow in the lower abdominal region . . . with Firechild doubled over Thim grabs him for a powerbomb but FC rotates over the top and falls down over tha back of Thim, catching his neck for a nasty looking neck breaker on the concrete

## As both Thim and Firechild cough and struggle on the floor we hear in the background someone shouting - get another camera, GET ANOTHER CAMERA. The street fight has started, we've got to catch all this for the broadcast tonight, The RIck'll kill us if we don't.

[mooseheadjack]

OBJ: Steve, I have to warn you.

Steve: We're out of food for the dingo?

OBJ: No. You know how Gator and I have been cheated out of so many wins by our opponents by, well, cheating?

Steve: Yeah, so?

OBJ: Well, I've been talking to Gator. And, someone we all know might be joining us soon.

Steve: He's allowed to come to the United States?

OBJ: Well, we're working on it.

Steve: If so, I'll be keeping a low profile.

OBJ: Steve, you wrangle crocodiles for a living!

Steve: The crocodiles are less dangerous than he is.

[mooseheadjack]

*having left their Subarus in the parking structure of the LAX airport, OutbackJack & GatorBait enter the International Terminal*

OBJ: I called him up and he said he's already on his way... he's always had a sort of intuition about things... must help his business...

GB: Yeah, your cousin's always been a--- well--- personable guy... he runs a clean business, and it shows in his profits...

OBJ: Who says nice guys always have to finish last?

GB: Whoa, whoa, WHOA... I said he runs a clean business... didn't mean he can't shake a mean stick if he has to...

OBJ: Oh, I know, mate... I meant that he's a nice guy for hooking us up with the---ummm---services that he does when we're back Down Under..

GB: Heh Heh... maaaaaan, you're not telling me anything I don't already know...

OBJ: Let's head to the terminal... he said he's on Oceanic Flight 815... looks like we've got a couple of hours to kill...

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ and GB are sitting in the airport bar*

OBJ: Maybe there won't be so many issues next week. I mean, Wilder and Westgard seem OK. We just have to keep our eyes on Revvolution XX.

GB: Easier said than done. And don't forget, the tag team division is otherwise mostly made up of heels we've got issues with. Look at the title match. I'd love to see 3PS get knocked down, but not by the fat bastards who stole our title shot.

OBJ: Yeah, desperate times call for desparate measures. I just hope he won't be too, ya know, colorful for OOWF.

GB: There's a guy with a dog head, a cartoon mouse, superheros, exploding helicopters...

OBJ: I guess you're right. He'll fit right in.

GB: And you're sure the GM is OK with this?

OBJ: I explained that my cousin could help him with some professional courtesy from some of his contacts in North America. You've never seen a manager's license signed so quickly.

[mooseheadjack]

*OBJ and GB are RISING from their seats as they see the Oceanic 777 pull to a stop*

OBJ: Well put another shrimp on the barbie, mate, I think he's arrived...

GB: and there's no doubt he's in first class, so he'll be getting off the flight first...

*the door to the terminal opens, and the camera focuses on the silhouette of a very tan man emerging, decked out in dark green suede pants, a gold button-down shirt with matching gold wingtip shoes... he's covered in an open-floor length dark green velvet robe trimmed in alligator skin... and as an accent, he's toting a cane with a baby alligator head for a handle... OBJ and GB can see their reflection in his mirrored aviator sunglasses as he approaches*

Walter Bernard King: JACK! My favorite cousin!

*Wally B King & OBJ slap high five, followed by a reverse low five, before they bird it*

OBJ: Gator, you remember my cousin Wally, right?

GB: How could I forget? He hooked us up with those 4 aborigine bisexuals for QUITE a reasonable rate... MAN could they give it to us rough! just how we like it!

OBJ: Well, sometimes I just like to cuddle...

WBK: Hah Hah! Fellas!... you know your pal Wally is here whenever you need him... speaking of which, I've caught your last few matches, and it looks like you guys can't catch a break... you're the #1 Face Tag Team in the OOWF!

OBJ: we're the ONLY Face Tag Team in the OOWF, mate!

WBK: well, i've come to help you out... I just got off the phone with The Rick, and i gave him a great deal on some of the Hooters girls in the Dayton area, so he said he'll have my paperwork ready at the next show for me to get my manager's license... for some reason, though, he kept calling me "The White Slick"

GB: Can't argue there...

WBK: Let's get going... I called ahead and have a stretch Subaruzine waiting for us in the parking area... and to help rejuvenate you guys, there are some---ummm--- refreshments waiting inside, too...

OBJ: FOSTERS KEG!

GB: BEEF JERKY!

WBK: No, mates, I'm talking about refreshments of the physical pleasure variety...

GB: But I thought only 3PS got the strippers?

WBK: You forget about my connections, mate... 3PS only get the hand-me-downs... you boys are about to meet my 3 college freshman friends from UCLA...

*Wally B King puts his arms around an excited OutbackJack and GatorBait as he leads them out the terminal*

***Fade to Black***

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack is seen storming down the hall, obviously in an extra foul mood even though it is days after the PPV. Scheme Gene approaches>

SG: Moose! Can I have a word with you?
MHJ: Not now.
SG: But Moose, you OWE it to the fans of OOWF to say a few words. I DEMAND....

Jack stops, spins, and catches SG with a shot right in the mouth. Jack grabs SG and slams him int othe wall. When Gene falls to the floor, MHJ mounts him and pummels Gene in the face until he is a bloody mess. Jack pulls Gene to his feet, pins his arm and destroys him with a heart punch. Gene falls to teh floor twitching. Then he stops, Gene is out cold. Jack stares at him coldly and walks away. In the back ground we hear people rushing to Gene's help, our intrepid cameraman follos Moose to Concrete's locker room. Jack kicks open the door and goes in>

CTG: HOLY INTRUSIONS! It's my partner Moose....
<MHJ stops Concrete in mid sentence when he throws a chair, just narrowly missing CTG's head, but shattering a large mirror behind him>
MHJ: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? We get beat by the Devil's Brigade in under ten minutes? Those jokers shouldn't be able to TOUCH us, and you get pinned?
CTG: Well where the hell were you?
MHJ: I was outside of the ring, I had just been jumped. I thought you could handle things for a few minutes, after all we had only been wrestling for like FIVE DAMN MINUTES!
CTG: Are you blaming me for the loss?
MHJ: Did you not get pinned?
CTG: It was a cheap win, those dastardly cowards won through nefarious means, the next time good WILL triumph...
MHJ: <with a crazed look on his face> THAT IS IT! You want me to give in? What will it take, huh Concrete? What will it take for you to take this seriously? You are so caught up in this superhero bullshit that I don't think you even care one little bit about whether you win or you lose. So, fine, I can't take this anymore, the decision is yours right now, you either drop this superhero crap and get serious so we can win, or we find a way to end this.
<Jack pauses a moment to regain his composure>

You just think this through real well Concrete, you think you have seen me at my worst, but you haven't. Keep pushing me until I snap, it's all in fun right? Think to yourself, think how much fun it will be when I come for your blood again because you have pushed me too far. Do you really want that? Think about it. Your career rests on it.

Trust me.

<Jack storms out of the locker room, and passes the EMT's loading Gene onto a gurney for a trip to the hospital. Not content to leave things along, JAck attacks again flipping the gurney over, Gene tumbles to the floor. Jack yanks him to his feet and DDT's him on the floor. Officials and security flood the area, Jack gets in a parting kick before he is escorted out of the building>

[mooseheadjack]

Moosehead jack barges past Westgaard and Capellan as the other two wrestlers make off with the whiskey from the streetfight.

"Woah." Capellan turns to watch Jack storm out of the building, entourage of security in tow, "Dude, everyone in this place needs to take a deep breath and let go of some of this anger."

"Didn't you just tell Thim to set Firechild ablaze?" JW asks.

"Won't work." Capellan shrugs, "Firechild's ring gear is flame-retardent."

JW stops,

"So what was with the 'that bastard deserves it'?"

"Dude ... he's getting dosed in Everclear. That's gotta like taking a full-body bath of rubbing alcohol."

"Heh." JW shakes his head, then lifts the bottle of whiskey and shows the label to the camera, "So what say we go find Wilder and see if this little baby doesn't help wash away all those angry vibes?"

Capellan laughs,

"Works for me, man. Works for me."

[mooseheadjack]

Niles and AA are in their locker room, getting ready for Midweek Mayhem and reviewing last week’s matches.

AA: You know what we need, Niles?

NA: Hookers, whiskey and cameramen we can trust?

AA: Well, yeah. But I had another thought. You know, now that you’re the OOWF Champion and I’m soon to be the Intercontinental Champion, we need what all champions have: A bodyguard!!

NA: A bodyguard?

AA: You know, one of those big, stupid, strong guys who flattens anyone who tries to harm us or defeat us? Someone who’s always around so we don’t have to do stuff like this (points to TV screen, where AA rushes from the crowd to DDT Viper during Niles’ match) every week. I could have got hurt out there. Besides, all the great champs had bodyguards: The Midnight Express had Big Bubba Rogers, Nick Bockwinkle had Blackjack Mulligan and Blackjack Lanza, Christian has Miss Tomko…and remember how many times guys like Abdullah the Butcher and Kamala were hired as bodyguards.

NA: Good thinking, AA. So who do you have in mind?

AA: Well, there’s Stank…

NA: Man, no! He reeks!!

AA: OK, there’s Mark Vander…

NA: Vander’s like a buck-80 soaking wet. I thought you said we needed a big guy!

AA: OK, how about this?

AA whispers to Niles, and Niles gets a shocked look on his face.

NA: You’re crazy! He hates you! It will never work.

AA: Well, I think it’s worth the try. Besides, what else has he got going for him right now?

AA dials his cell phone…

AA: Hey, this is your good buddy, AA. We haven’t talked in a while, but Niles and I have an idea we want you to consider. There might be some cash involved, too. Let’s say it’s more than enough to pay your recent medical bills. Just give me a call back, we’ll do lunch or something.

Niles has a bemused look on his face.

AA: This will work. He may hate me, but I know what makes him tick… Now then, you wanna go check out some of the autograph signings? I hear they’re lots of fun.

[mooseheadjack]

Just as Capellan and JWW reach the door out walks Wilder, talking to one of the arena security guards...

"Seriously? Sounds perfect dude - thanks for the tip! Gotta get loose before the match, ya know? Hey, here's my bro's - later!"

TW: Guys - what the heck is going on? Some seriously bad karma floatin' round here! You see Moose blow by?

JWW: It's OK Tommy - Cap and I were just talking about that! We got just the thing to get rid of those "bad vibes" <hold up the bottle>.

Capellan: Time to go kick back, Bro!

<Wilder gets a big grin>

TW: Excellent! That'll be the perfect ending! <Out rolls the stretcher with Scheme Gene> Whoa! Guess he ain't going with...

Capellan: Ending?

TW: Oh yeah - We've been working hard for our matches this week - especially putting together some sweeet team move JW! With us going up against the Aussies and Rev XX, and Cap taking on Gimmickman, we gotta be focused, man! And I got the PERFECT thing to get us on that edge!

JWW: Why am I starting to get worried.....

TW: Dude, relax! We've spent all this time getting those moves down, this will be like falling of a bridge!

Cap: You mean a log, Bro.

TW: <BIG grin> Nope!

JWW: Ah, crap....


......A couple of hours later......

TW: Did I tell you? AWESOME view! Check that out - is that a bear down there?

Cap: I think you right man! JWW - is that an bear?

JWW: How the hell should I know? I ain't looking down you crazy mother f******.

TW: How did you do that?

JWW: Do what?

TW: Make the little stars appear when you say F******?

JWW: What? Quit changing the subject! I'm not doing this!

Cap: Sure you are, man -

JWW: Give me 3 good reasons!

TW: Cause you're wound too tight man - and once you do this, the tag match will be like riding ollies on the flats!

JWW: OK...........

Cap: And besides JW - the car is down there!

JWW: Well, hell, I can walk that -

Cap: And so is the scotch! See ya!

<Cap jumps>

JWW: Holy crap!

TW: Dude - we got each other's back, right? I mean, in the ring, and out -

JWW: Yeah, 'course.

TW: OK, so if you're gonna trust me taking on Outback Jack and Gatorbait, Rev XX, 3 Piece Set guys like THAT - why not this?

JWW: <Pauses> OK, what do I do?

TW: Lean out, hold the girder.

<JWW leans out>

TW: Now let go......

<JWW lets go - >

TW: .....Right after you check the safety release - they stick open sometimes!

JWW: What? <Falls.....> Son of a B****! YAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!

TW: DUDE! I'm KIDDING! BUNGIE!!!!!

<Wilder jumps, doing a double flip with a full twist on the way down>

ALLLL RIIIIGHT!!!!!

[mooseheadjack]

*The big Subaruzine rolls up onto the bridge, and Wally B. King steps out, adjusts his cape, and sets 4 bottles of DP next to the bungee cords, makes a little saluting gesture with his cane towards where Wilder and his friends dove off, and gets back in the limo.*

[mooseheadjack]

Blackdragon is in the front of the arena, autographing pictures of himself holding the Intercontinental title in the ring the night he beat Johnny Adrenaline. The line is long, and near the front are two old ladies. To be nice, we describe them as…ahh, forget nice. They’re ugly and large.

Old Lady #1: I sure love these autograph sessions, don’t you Nellie?

Old Lady #2: I sure do, Alice. It’s really nice to get to see nice boys like Blackdragon in person.

Old Lady Alice: That’s true. But I sure wish they’d let my favorite wrestler sign autographs.

Old Lady Nellie: And who would that be?

OLA: Attitude Adjuster. He’s my favorite. I’d let him claw me anywhere!

Nice Mother With Child Behind the Old Ladies: Excuse me. Must you talk that way around my innocent son? He shouldn’t have to hear that sort of language. And you should know better!

OLA: F*** off, b*****!

NMWCBTOL: Well, I never!

OLA: Unfortunately, you did once. Otherwise this brat wouldn’t exist.

OLN (laughing hysterically): Alice, Alice. Now stop that. Did you forget to take your meds? Besides, if I wanted an autograph, it would be from the new OOWF World Champion, Niles Anderson. He’s 100 percent Pure Male, you know.

OLA: Yeah, he’s great too. All OOWF wrestlers should aspire to be like, ummm, him.

OLN: Hey, we’re next in line.

BD: Hi young ladies. My, you’re looking beautiful today. Would you like an autographed picture of Blackdragon?

OLA: Yes, yes, indeed I would. Could you make it out to Alice? And another one to Nellie? We’re your biggest fans. We’re so glad you beat that dastardly Johnny Adrenaline.

BD: Ahh, ladies, you’re sweet. I try my best to make all my fans as happy as possible. Would you like to take a photo with me?

OLN: Oh, look at that, Alice. He wants us in a picture with him!

The two old ladies walk around the autograph table and stand on either side of Blackdragon. The ladies give their cameras to a little boy wearing a “Jesus Loves Blackdragon” T-shirt.

Little boy: Ready, say cheese on three. One, two, three!

On three both old ladies pick up their walking canes and crash them over the head and shoulders of Blackdragon. The old ladies continue the beatdown, and in the process loose their wigs! And they have wrestling boots on! OMG~! SHOCKING SWERVE~! It’s Niles Anderson and Attitude Adjuster dressed as old ladies! What a classic Old School Angle! They continue the beatdown as the crowd looks on in horror.

Random Bystander: You should be ashamed of yourself!

Niles stops putting the boots to Blackdragon, leaving AA with a now defenseless BD. AA slaps the claw on BD for good measure. Niles walks over to the Random Bystander.

Niles: Ashamed? Me? You’re the one standing in line for 30 minute to get an autograph of this disgrace of a champion. You should be ashamed!

Niles kicks the bystander in the groin, then delivers a massive Steed-DT ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!

NA: Cleanup on Aisle 12!

AA: Now who wants my autograph? I got a Sharpie right here!

AA and Niles grab a photo of Blackdragon, put an “X” through BD’s face and his title, and sign it, “Best wishes, AA and Niles.”

[mooseheadjack]

[Johnny Adrenaline is walking into the arena, pulling his golf bag, and comes across a stray picture left on the ground from the attack on Black Dragon earlier. Johnny picks up the picture and stares at it for several seconds, until a little voice speaks behind him. Johnny turns around to see a little girl, maybe eight years old, holding a piece of posterboard.]

Little Girl: Um...Mr. Adrenaline?

Johnny: Uh...what, kid?

LG: Can I have your autograph?

JA: You don't want an autograph on this picture. It's uh...not a good one of me.

LG: No, no, not that. I was wondering if you could sign this...

[The little girl turns the posterboard around to reveal a "Johnny Knows Best" sign. The show of sincerity kinda takes Johnny by surprise.]

JA: Well, uh, yeah, I'll sign that for ya. [Johnny autographs the sign.] So, uh, you a big Johnny fan?

LG: No, but my big brother is. He wanted to come do this himself, but he was too chicken..... kinda like you, Johnny. Well, thanks, Mr. Adrenaline!

[The little girl smiles and walks away. Johnny curses under his breath at the girl, thinks about taking the putter to her, but thinks better of it and storms inside.]

[mooseheadjack]

*the scene opens in Chris Alt's living room. He's sitting in his recliner looking rather uncomfortable, and as the camera pans out we see Niles Anderson and Attitude Adjuster sitting on the couch across the room, also staring at him uncomfortably*

CA: So... <awkward silence> Uh, I guess we should watch this movie?

NA: Uh... <awkward pause> Yeah.

AA: Can we have some popcorn?

CA: This really isn't a very good idea, ya know. We're really blurring the lines between heel and face here. I mean, Blackdragon is my boy, and you two beat him down for no reason. That isn't cool, yo.

NA: At least we didn't beat down you.

CA: ...that's a good point.

AA: Can we have some popcorn?

CA: But still, dude... why did you want to come over here, anyway?

NA: Because regardless of whether or not we like each other or approve of the other's actions, if we're gonna be watching each others backs we need to establish a rapport. And what better way to get that bond going then by hanging out at home?

AA: Hey guys, can we have some popcorn?

NA: SHUT UP, ADJUSTER!! CHRIST!

CA: Jesus, Adjuster. The popcorn is in the kitchen. If you need it that badly, go make it yourself.

NA: And hurry, we're starting the movie.

*AA stands up and the camera follows him into the kitchen*

AA: Go make the popcorn yourself, Adjuster. Don't pick your nose at red lights, Adjuster. You shouldn't pay for sex, Adjuster. One day I'll be the intercontinental champion and those two buttholes won't have me to pick on anymore.

*the telephone rings, and AA answers*

AA: Yeeeeeeeeeellow?

Mysterious Voice: Hello, Adjuster. What are you doing at Chris Alt's house.

AA: I didn't want to come over here, I can tell you that much for sure. Niles was spewing some crap about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. But he promised to take me to Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow if I behave tonight.

MV: Well, isn't that special? What are you doing?

AA: *giggles* I'm making popcorn.

MV: Popcorn? I only eat popcorn when I watch movies.

AA: We're going to watch a movie.

MV: I like scary movies. Are you going to watch a scary movie?

AA: It's a lesbian porn.

MV: ...you're a bunch of perverts.

AA: What are you, queer or something? Lesbians kick ass.

MV: I AM NOT A HOMO!!!! Er... I mean... uh, let's play a game.

AA: I don't want to play a game. The popcorn's done and I want to watch lesbians. Later.

*AA hangs up*

*from the other room* CA: Who was that?

AA: Wrong number.

NA: Hurry up with the popcorn. We're starving in here. HOLY-- is she licking that girl's ass??

*the phone rings again*

AA: Yeeeeeeeeeellow?

MV: LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH. HANG UP ON ME AGAIN AND I'LL RIP OUT YOUR NUTS WITH A RUSTY SPOON.

AA: Owie.

MV: Yeah, owie is right. Now we're going to play a game.

AA: OK, I'll play a game with you. But you're not allowed to be Dhalsim if you're any good with him, because some of his combos are really cheap.

MV: Not a video game, you twat. I'm going to ask you some questions, and if you answer them wrong, I'm going to kill you.

AA: OK. Where are you?

MV: The pay phone at Wal-Mar-- HEY! I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!

AA: Why are people always yelling at me?

MV: Because you're an idiot.

AA: Cheese.

MV: ...what?

AA: Cheese. That's my answer to the question. Cheese.

MV: I... haven't asked any questions yet.

AA: Oh.

MV: OK, here we go. Your first question: What--

AA: Justin Timberlake.

MV: I HAVEN'T ASKED THE QUESTION YET!

AA: I know, but my gut said Justin Timberlake.

MV: Listen to me closely, Capps. If you don't start taking this very seriously, you're going to end up getting killed, and then who's going to win the Intercontiental championship?

AA: Justin Timberlake?

MV: I hate you. Are you ready for your first question?

AA: Cheese?

MV: Goddam it, you retard. Let me talk to Alt or Anderson.

AA: No! They're always making fun of me and calling me names. *I* want to play the trivia game.

MV: FINE. You can pick from one of the following categories: U.S. History OR The Life and Career of Attitude Adjuster.

AA: Hmmm... I don't know very much about either of those... uhhhhh... U.S. History.

MV: Uhhh... OK... Who won the Civil War?

AA: Uhhhh... ummmm... it wasn't Justin Timberlake... and uhhhhh, something tells me 'cheese' isn't the right answer... uhhhhh... the Americans?

MV: That's... oh, man. I mean, that's really not right, but it's really not wrong, either. You're a stupid ass, but I'm really obligated to give you that one.

AA: Yeah!! Ownage!! Points for me, bitch!!!

*from the other room* NA: Where the f*ck is the f*cking popcorn, you coozed up hussy?

AA: Niles needs his popcorn. I have to go now.

MV: YOU BETTER NOT. LOOK OUTSIDE, AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU HANG UP ON ME!!

AA: *goes to the window* I don't see anything.

MV: Turn on the porch light, you moron.

AA: *clicks porch light* There's nothing out there.

MV: Sorry, we're not ready yet. Turn the light back off. <whistles happily> OK... NOW.

AA: *switches light back on* What is that?

MV: That's some dude that we beat up and tied to a chair, cause we're hardcore like that! You tell Niles Anderson that Donovan Viper is coming back for his belt, and you tell Chris Alter Boy that he better stay the f*ck out of my way.

AA: Chris who?

DV: Yeah! This is me, Viper! You've been on the phone with me the whole time! You got punk'd, bitch! Yeah!

AA: I don't understand what's happening right now.

DV: Yeah, I just prank called your ass! Recognize! We're coming for you guys!

AA: Right now? We're trying to watch porn.

DV: Not right now, idiot. You know... in the ring. Like, at work and stuff.

AA: Who is this?

DV: YEAH, YOU GOT PUNK'D! BITCH! *hangs up*

AA: Stupid kids. *takes the popcorn into the living room*

CA: Who the hell were you talking to in there?

AA: I'm not really sure. I don't think it was your girlfriend. I'm pretty sure it was a telemarketer. I don't know.

*fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

after the commercial, we come back to niles, 'tude and alt sitting on the couch

NA: alright, adjuster, crack open that popcorn!

AA rips open the bag of popcorn AND THE BEAST POPS OUT!!!

the 3 give a startled scream, and the beast just stairs at them angrily. finally, he grabs alt by the neck and lifts him up.

B: you like watching TV? well you can think of this as a rerun of last week. or a preview of next week. either way really. well, preview. yeah. i like preview better. "stay tuned for scenes from next week's all new dawson's cree-- errr... i mean midweek mayhem."

beast throws alt through the window.

he looks back at niles and AA. they dont say a word. just stare back at beast with a hefty amount of fear on their face.

B: listen you two. we need to talk. i dont know wha--- um-- is that porn? OH HOTT~!

the beast sits down directly between niles and AA

B: oh man. dont you just love a girl with a nice meaty vagina? just nice fat brown lips? oh, that is so sexy. yeah. and when she opens her legs and its just like roast beef is spilling out of there. oh i love it when it's a mess down there. really gives you something to play with, ya know. hey. gimme some of that popcorn!

beast looks around to notice that both niles and AA just have looks of both shock and disgust on theri faces.

B: whatever. it's hot.

NA: yeah...but...dude. dawson's creek?

beast grabs niles and throws him through the same window he threw alt out of.

B: looks like it's just you and me, AA. as soon as this fine piece of cinema is finished, we're gonna have words.


*fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

*GB, OBJ & Wally are riding in the limo*

Wally: Now remember, I'm a Human Resources Specialist.

GB: I thought you ran an "escort service", Wally.

OBJ: And I remember when you ran a string of ho's on the street and collected debts for that loan shark.

Wally: Boys, that is so old. I'm part of a syndicate of sophisticated entrepreneurs, meeting relational needs of clients who outsorce fulfillment of critical needs to our staff of highly trained specialists. I leverage the skill set I develped studying for my MBA to optimize revenue collections for the enterprise.

*GB and OBJ look puzzled*

Wally (laughing): OK, I'm doing the same stuff but making a lot more money. I haven't beaten anyone up in weeks! Business is so good I can afford to hang with you guys. *lights a Cuban cigar*

GB: Hey, that looks like Donny V at that payphone over there by the WalMart.

Wally: Now there's a living legend!

OBJ: He's a good wrestler, but that's a bit much, Wally.

Wally: Not as a wrestler, Jack, as a customer. The stories I've heard...

GB: You mean he's not gay?

Wally: I would have said no, but lately he's been calling one of my phone lines that specializes in stuff that makes even me a little queasy.

*The limo turns a corner, passing Scheme Gene's hospital room, where he's talking on a cell phone*

SG: Make the sheep go faster!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Outside of the Alt residence, where Chris Alt and Niles Anderson are laying on the ground after being thrown outside of the window by Beast.

NA: You ok?

CA: Yeah. Crazy beast.

Three masked men come out of the bushes and ATTACKS Alt and Anderson!

Masked man #1 delivers what appears to be a Death Elbow to Chris Alt!

MM1: That's what you get you bitch!

Masked man #2 (who is much bigger than the other two masked men) pounds on Anderson, then throws him to Masked Man #3 who smashes Anderson with a lethal left hook! The three start kicking them while they're on the ground.

Masked man #1 grabs Anderson's world title (because for some reason, The Specimen felt compelled to wear his world title to Alt's house) and begins to whip Anderson across the head and back.

MM1: Yeah! Yeah! Bitch!! How do you like this belt now, motherfucker? Huh? I'm taking this back from you, you bastard! This belt belongs to me!

MM3: Eh, kweit thur man. 'e'll kno whew ye arr.

MM1: Dammit, Tommy! I told you not to speak! Your accent gives you away!

MM3: Ye jes sed me name ye daft cunt.

MM1: Tommy Wilder! I mean Tommy Wilder! This beat down has been EXTREME!!!

MM3: raight! Oy, mates. Look et whet thu're wetchin en ther!

MM1: Huh?

MM2: They're watching lesbian porn on the TV in there, Do... Er, JW.

MM1: Is that right, Harp... I mean, Capellan. Let me see.... Oh shit! Look at her go to town on that sweet ass! She's just munching away at it!

MM3: Ye preverts. Le's go in.

MM1: Yeah... NO!

MM3: what are ye? A homo?

MM1: I'm not a homo! You know I love a good ass-munching as anyone. (MM2: Uh...) I mean, I like watching two girls eat ass with each other! (MM3: Ye sure about dat?) Shut up! No. The Beast is in there! We aren't going in.

MM3: 'en why not? 'e's jus as big as Beastie es.

MM1: No. Just... no. That guy is relentless. We beat him down now, next thing you know he'll be chasing us across town, popping out of your can of chew or your gym bag or something. I ain't going through that shit again. We're done here.

The masked men leave the scene. MM1 comes back in for a quick second to kick Niles in the gut on last time and throws the belt down on his face.

MM1: BITCH!

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris, with Fievel in tow, walks up to the Alt residence. He's about to knock on the door when he hears moaning around the side of the house. Cautiously, he tiptoes his way around the perimeter and peeks around the corner, where Chris Alt and Niles Anderson are on the ground clutching their injuries. Alt is stirring, and Hardbody checks on his peer to make sure nothing is too hurt. The Speciman, however, is 100% Pure Unconcious.*

Hardbody: Well, looks like I didn't have to come over here and kick some ass for that little mouse-punting stunt from before, huh Fievel?

*Fievel doesn't respond. Instead, he skips over to Anderson and squats. Yes, Fievel poops little mouse pellets right into Niles' mouth.*

Hardbody: That was a little...out of character for you, buddy.

Fievel (flailing his arms in a cute, agitated manner): Oh, that bad man just makes me so mad!

Hardbody: Well, I guess the work of you and the #1 FECES IN THE OOWF is done here. Let's g...

*Hardbody is interrupted by strangely-familiar music coming through the broken window. He peeks in, and sees Attitude Adjuster sitting on the corner of a loveseat. Beast is sitting cross-legged about 8 inches in front of the TV, which is filled with a set of parted buttcheeks. Hardbody begins to eagerly climb through the window.*

Hardbody: Fievel, go wait in the car.

Fievel: But we walked here.

Hardbody: I SAID, "Go wait in the car." Hardbody has some grown-up business to take care of.

*Fievel entertains himself by playing in Chris Alt's birdbath. Hardbody disappears into the house, where one can vaguely hear the sound of high-fives and a fresh bag of popcorn being popped.*

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack is WALKING down the street, still bloody from the beating he gave Scheme Gene he comes upon the Alt residence>

Jack approaches the birdbath, as his shadow falls across Fievel he recoils in terror. The mouse covers his eyes trying to shield himself from the oncoming onslaught, trembling uncontrolably, but as fast as the shadow was cast, it is gone.

Moose walks to the broken window and peers in, AA, Harris and Beast are all transfixed as some woman underogoes a painful looking TAP.

Turning his gaze from the 75" plasma and sees Niles Anderson and Chris Alt out cold in the yard. Jack walks over to Niles and stands above him then slowly leans down and picks up the World Title and looks at it with a strange look in his eyes. After staring for several seconds, he smirks and kind of nods to himself and drops the title back across Niles chest.

Jacks stares at Niles for a moment longer, then walks off, down the street.

[mooseheadjack]

Beast, Harris and AA are alone in Alt's living room, with Beast having dispensed of Alt and Niles (dang it, Moose, continuity! ) through the large picture window.

AA: Alt sure lives in a noisy neighborhood. Sounds like someone was getting the shit kicked out of them down the street. I just can't concentrate on the movie. And since Harris is here and there's a serious lack of popcorn in this bag, I think I'll go home now.

Beast: Hardbody, go find your rat! AA, you're staying here! We're having words!

Harris: Umm, Feival's a mouse. Endo does the rat thing.

Beast: Mouse, rat, whatever! They all taste like chicken. No get out of here! I need to know what AA's game is.

AA: Oh man, not another game. I'm tired of this. Will people just start saying what they mean around here? What the hell do you want?

Beast: You called me with a cryptic "offer." Why don't YOU tell ME what YOU want?

AA: You want to know what I want? Fine! I want you to stop emphasizing so many words in a sentence and putting quote marks around words that don't need them. I want Tommy O'Neil to speak English, for crying out loud. I want the Intercontinental title. I want wrestling boots that don't make my feet sweat. I want to learn if Donovanm Viper is really gay. I want world peace. I want a Pop Tart. And I want Helen Hunt to marry me!

Beast: Umm, Okaaayyyy... What I really wanted to know was what do you want to offer me?

AA: Oh yeah, there's that too. Look, ever since Niles and I started hanging together, it's like no one likes us...

Beast: No one liked you before...

AA: Whatever! Then Niles won the OOWF World Title, and I'm going to win the Intercontinental title, and it's like there's this conspiracy against us. People don't want us to win. So we decided we need a bodyguard. Someone to watch our backs. And seeing that you're an indestructable SOB (well, except that time I...I mean, Andrenaline...broke your arm) who walks through walls and pops out of shit with no warning, you'd be great for the job. I can see it now...Harper Camby opens a Guiness AND THE BEAST POPS OUT! Capellan opens a cab door AND THE BEAST POPS OUT! Viper takes off his jock AND THE BEAST POPS OUT!

Beast: I'm not popping out of some homo's jock! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

AA: OK, no jock popping. We'll have to edit that out of the contract. But Niles and I have come to what we feel is a fair agreement for you to be our bodyguard. First, we'll pay for everything you break or destroy while keeping Niles and I safe. Second, we'll offer you an annual salary. I'm going to write that number down on this piece of paper. And because I know you're not so bright, I'm going to write those numbers REALLY BIG so you can understand. (Beast rolls his eyes...) Now take this piece of paper, think about it, and let Niles and I know at Midweek Mayhem, OK?

Beast walks away with the piece of paper, but without saying a word.

AA: Hey Beast. As a kind of test of your bodyguarding skills, do me a favor and check on Niles, will you? That noise died down outside, and I'm sure Niles and Alt are just talking about the good old days, but just make sure? Oh, and just go through the window you broke. Alt might have a hard time explaining a broken wall to his insurance company.

[mooseheadjack]

(Skeem Gene Okerlund, alongside Microplay, is in the backstage area)

Skeem - Microplay, what are your thoughts about facing the 7'0 300 pound Underdawg at Midweek Mayhem this up-coming week??

Microplay - Skeem...I'm not afraid of the Underdawg, nor am i intimidated by him. I don't care who my opponent is, he will be crushed.

Skeem - Microplay, you might want to consider the facts here...Underdawg lost only very few times in the OOWF, and he is the largest superstar ever...how will you fair against him??

Microplay - Skeem...you might want check on your history a little bit...i've beaten the Underdawg before, in a triple threat inferno casket match, the toughest, most gruelling match in OOWF history...You don't think i can beat him 1-on-1?? Think again...

(Microplay stares into the cameras as they come closer)

Underdawg...get ready for the match of your life...You WILL be beaten, and you will vanish from the OOWF once and for all.

Then?? I'M going after the OOWF title...TRUST ME.

(Microplay leaves the interview area, as Skeem Gene looks on)

(cameras fade)