OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 10-26-05

[mooseheadjack]

Live! From North Scituate, Rhode Island!

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Mark Vander vs. UnderDawg vs. LD Williams

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
The Team From Down Under vs. wCw

OOWF Oslaught Championship Match[/u]
Firechild vs. Thim Reynolds*

Winner Gets an Onslaught Title Match at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom[/u]
Canadian Dragon vs. Uncle Entity

ROH Elimination - Round 2. The Winner of each match Advances to the Six Man Winner-Take-All Match at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom[/u]

Attitude Adjuster vs. Mercury
Capellan vs. Tommy O'Neil
Blackdragon vs. Beast
SoulDragon vs. Ax-Man
Johnny Adrenaline vs. Eric O'Mac
Chris Cole vs. Mr. Jealous

Carl Coolname & Moosehead Jack vs. Hardbody Harris & Chris Alt
Microplay vs. Phil
Corax vs. Seraph*
Drink & Destroy vs. Donovan Viper & Harper Camby
Mikey Styner & Dr. Murder vs. The Establishment



*If either Firechild or Seraph interfere in the other's match, they will be suspended from the OOWF for 60 days

Card subject to pirates!

[mooseheadjack]

*We see only a shot of Chris Alt brooding over a mug of dark beer. From the lighting and chattering and music in the background, we can tell that he sits in a crowded bar*

CA: Unbelievable, man. This is just unreal. What the hell happened to me, man? I was on the fast track to having it all. Fame. Glory. The OOWF championship. Endorsement deals. My own best matches DVD. What do I got now? Nothin. I haven't won a match in over a month. And it's not like I'm losing here of my own accord. I lose to Moosehead Jack because Carl Coolname interferes. I lose to Moose again because Coolname interferes again. I lose to Eric O'Mac in a triple threat match. Stank might've ate the pinfall, but I still have a notch in the "L" column. You know what "L" stands for? LOSER. That's me right now. I feel like a loser. I'm not a loser, dammit. I handed Niles Anderson his first real loss. I've beat Hardbody Harris and he's one of the best wrestlers in the world, not to mention my best friend. I'm one of the top guys, and I can beat the other top guys, any of em. I just can't seem to come through in the clutch, you know? Big match? Title on the line? I choke. What's wrong with me? Maybe it's just a cold streak, you know? It happens. Happens to everyone. Everyone loses once in awhile, it's part of the sport, right? Ya know what I'm saying? I dunno, man. I feel like... oh, God. Oh, God. Dude, do you know what I just realized? If you're the KANE of the OOWF... I'm... I'm... I'm the CHRIS JERICHO! I mean, I choke in big matches, I'm entertaining as all hell, I have my own interview segment, and I can juggle multiple feuds all at once. Not to mention... and I mean, I hate to brag, but I feel like I kind of really carried O'Mac and Stank in that match, you know? But that's just between me and you. But yeah... I'm Chris Jericho. Oh, God. I'm never gonna win the big one! Oh, dear God. And if I ever DO win the big one, I'm going to be a transitional champion and I'm going to be an afterthought in a feud that revolves around a damn dog. Oh, God, my mother was right. I should've gone to college. I don't even have a crappy band to fall back on when I get tired of jobbing. And you know what else is killing me? I've got issues with half the fuckin locker room, man. I can't decide who I hate more, Moosehead Jack or Carl Coolname. I mean, Jack has been pretty consistent about leaving me a bloody mess, but everytime I'm about to mount a comeback on him, there's Coolname, fucking it up for me. Oh, and don't think I'm forgetting about 3 Piece Set. They're below Coolname and Moose on my "to beat the holy hell out of" list right now. And I never really completely finished with Niles Anderson. My cup is really runnething over, huh? God, by the time I finish exacting revenge on all the heels around here, I won't have the energy to challenge Hardbody for the title. At least I'm tagging with him next week against Moose and Coolname. That's gotta be a good thing, right? If Coolname is part of the match, he can't sneak in and blow it for me. And speaking of Coolname... man, what the HELL were you thinking? Jesus, dude, do you know that if he were to press charges you could go to jail for a really long time? I mean, I'm glad you got my back and all, I really do appreciate it. But man, you can't just go around RAPING people! I'm still in a state of shock over that. Alright? If you wanna have my back, have my back... but don't go around anally violating anyone else, alright, Beast?

*the shot pans out a bit. Sitting to CA's left we see that familiar grinning mug*

B: I'm Monster.

CA: ...oh.

M: I'm sorry, I was watching those chicks in the corner. What were you saying now?

CA: *sigh*

*A hand from CA's right appears on CA's shoulder*

Voice from off camera: Just remember... it's not the size of the fighter... but the size of the fight he brings. And when the time comes, all you can do is be ready.

CA: Shut the fuck up, Low-Ki. *drinks the beer*

*fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

FF Capslock - C'mon man!

Stank - Bah! Who cares about rankings at this point anyway? The year has just begun.

FFC - But we've been on a losing streak!

Stank - I'd hardly count two losses as a streak.

FFC - Well I'm sick of it.

Stank - Well I'm sick of getting low balled. You're talkin to me about losses while I'm over here with bruised testicles? First that chickensh*t Attitude Adjuster crushes my jewels and eliminates me at Imperial Onslaught. Then that douchebag Dr. M punches me in the ballsack with brass knuckles and pins me the following week. THEN that midget Corax low-balls me in the battle royale last night? It's like no one can beat me unless they go after my NADS! GOTDAMMIT I'M wearing a STEEL CUP to our matches from NOW ON!

FFC - Hey you damn near won that elimination match. Even after the low-blow.

Stank - Yeah... which reminds me. Check these out.

FFC - GAH! STANK!

Stank - Pretty sweet huh?

FFC - You... You've got... You've GOT EYES... on the back of YOUR HEAD!!? WHAT THE HELL??

Stank - I had Phil install them. It cost me a crate full of brains but, I think it was worth it.

FFC - WHAT THE HELL??

Stank- Think about it... no more getting blindsided. First it was Eric O Mac with his Vandaminator when I was busy with Alt and Coolname. Second I would have WON that stinking elimination match last night had Jealous not blindsided me with that body blow. No more of that crap. No siree.

FFC - YOU LOOK LIKE A FREAK!

Stank - So? If it means the difference between a win and a loss... so be it.

FFC - I... I don't know what to say. Did you show Number 5? What does she think?

Stank - No I haven't shown SFJ#5. And what do I care what she thinks? We haven't been toget... FREEZE VIPER!

Viper - EYYYAAHAHAA! WHAT THE F*CK!

Stank - It figures YOU would try to attack me from BEHIND.

FFC stands up and turns around. He sees Donavan Viper and Harper Camby holding steel chairs and looking horrifyingly at the back of Stank's head.

HC - Uh... That's not right man!

FFC - Well well... How about that? Those things actually work.

Drink & Destroy move to confront the Devil's Brigade lite. Viper and Camby beg off then disappear down the hall and around a corner.

FFC - Hmmm. Stank my man. Maybe this is a good thing.

Stank - I told you.

FFC - By the way... where did you get a crate full of brains?

Stank - SFJs 450 through 500.

FFC -

Stank - What... they weren't using them.

Drink & Destroy put their hands on their backsides as Beast walks by.

Beast - Ha Ha. Very funny.

Capslock waits til Beast has rounded a corner before commenting...

FFC - Geez maybe I should think about gettin a pair those. Who knew protecting your ass would become such a priority around here.

[mooseheadjack]

"Damn, dudes!" Capellan slaps Westgaard and Wilder on their shoulders as they read the match list. "You guys mighta been robbed last week, but the Rick's sure making it up to you!"

"Another shot at the gold!" Westgaard looks pleased at the chance for a title.

"Another chance to tangle with the Aussies! Awesome!" Wilder has other priorities, "We'll blow the roof off that place."

"Looks like you got O'Neill." Westgaard observes to Capellan, "The kid's beaten him a couple of times so you shouldn't have any trouble."

"Hey!" Wilder glares, then laughs at JW's amused smirk, "You wait. I'll get you back for that."

"You're in trouble now, Birdy." Capellan laughs, "Whatever he had planned for this weekend just got twice as wild."

"It was worth it."

"Oh! Birdyman's in the game!' Wilder laughs, "You want us to watch out for Camby when you're dealin' with his bud, Cap?"

"Couldn't hurt." Capellan nods, "Might want to keep an eye out for Viper, too. O'Neill's part of his crew and Donnie's probably found some way to blame me for him losing twice last week."

"Don't worry man, we got your back." Westgaard folds his arms, "We won't start anything ..."

"But if they do, we'll be there to take it up a notch on 'em!" Wilder confirms.

[mooseheadjack]

*Hardbody Harris walks into the bar in his wrestling gear. People look at him kind of strangely. The doorman asks for his ID, so he displays it on his TRIK*D OWT TYTLE and walks in. He spies Chris Alt crying into his beer at a dark table. Hardbody goes and sits across from him.*

HH: Hey, Chris. Let me buy you a Capri Sun and Vodka.

CA: No thanks. I’m not in the mood for any “fun” drinks, even if we do stick toothpicks in them and put them in the freezer.

HH: Oh. Well, I’ll just order a pink lemonade on the rocks. So, we haven’t really got a chance to talk about your troubles lately. How’re you feeling?

CA: Well, watch the scene I just did on your title and you’ll figure it out.

*Hardbody watches the scene Chris just did and figures it out.*

HH: Oh. You’re pretty upset, huh? Losing at Hell On Earth and then getting attacked by pretty much everyone at every turn, you must feel like a pretty hated guy, huh?

CA: I do. The only one who has really stuck his neck out for me is Beast, but when he sticks his neck out he sticks something else out, too.

HH: Oh, don’t feel bad for Carl Coolname. Sure, he got the literal “SHIT-DICK,” but believe me, I’ve been in charge of Beast’s package and it’s not exactly a Weapon of Mass Violation.

CA: (chuckles) Haha. Thanks, buddy. It’s good to see you. You always cheer me up.

HH: That’s what BFF’s are for. Say, that karaoke machine in the corner is calling our name. What say you and I give this crowd the #1 KARAOKE PERFORMANCE IN THE OOWF!

*Alt and Harris run up on stage and, without any prompting by the DJ or any rehearsal, they begin their non-choreographed choreographed performance.*

HH: That's all I wanted, something special,
Something sacred in your eyes,
For just one moment, to be bold and naked
At your side

Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me
Maybe this time is forever, say it can't be

CA: That's all you wanted, something special,
Someone sacred in your life
Just for one moment, to be warm and naked
At my side

Sometimes I think that you'll never understand me
But something tells me together, we'd be happy

Alt and Harris: I will be your father figure (Oh baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine (I'd love to)
I will be your preacher teacher (Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind (It would make me)
I will be your father figure (Very happy)
I have had enough of crime (Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
till the end of time

*At this point the crowd is clapping along fervently. As Alt and Harris gesture to the crowd, Moosehead Jack and Coolname burst through the door and begin bludgeoning our two heroes within seconds. Soon, Alt and Harris are left a bloody pile on the floor as Moose and Coolname stand over them. Moosehead Jack grabs the karaokemic and glares at them.*

MHJ: I hated you before, but nobody covers George Michael songs except Moosehead Jack. If you ever even think of following this up with “Faith,” then I WILL KILL YOU.

Trust me.

[mooseheadjack]

Before Jack and Coolname burst in and disrupt the performance, the camera pans the crowd and we see Donovan Viper openly weeping

<sob> but I want him naked by my side!
WAIT, I'm NOT A ........ I will be your father figure <more sobbing>

[mooseheadjack]

Viper and Camby have returned to the Devil's Brigade locker room, Ayaka is in the background, arms crossed, like the badass she is. Tommy O'Neill is sitting on a bench

DV: Eyes in the back of his head. That's just crazy. How do we blindside him now?

HC: I suppose we'll just have to wait to face him and Capslock in the ring.

DV: You and Tommy have beat them numerous times. I'm a stupendously awesome wrestler, but I have to admit, I'm not a tag team specialist. We need to discuss strategy, Harper.

HC: No worries. Although the eyes in the back of the head thing does pose as a new challenge.

DV: Ayaka will be the eyes in the back of our heads.

HC: I like the sound of that. Ayaka?

Ayaka nods her head once.

HC: Man I wish there were girls like her in high school.

Viper turns his attention to Tommy O'Neill.

DV: And you, Tommy. You've got that ungrateful, disgraceful piece of trash, Capellan. My god, I want you to waste that son of a bitch so bad.

TO: Aye, Dunnie. That wanka meh 'uv kept ye from becumin de werld champyun, but e's not gunna dyoo that me. Ah'll bust e's pretty litul 'ead wide open, 'en bring de werld 'avywait champyunship te de Devil's Brigade once agin.

Viper looks at Camby.

HC: He's going to destroy Capellan and then win the World title.

DV: Win my world championship? That's what I like about you Tommy. You're fucking ambitious!

TO: Ah canna b'leve we still 'ang around dis pansy cunt-fuuk , 'arpa. I 'ate dis wanka.

Viper turns to Camby.

HC: Ah... um... He's gonna waste Capellan, all right.

DV: That's right. Make him taste his own blood. I want that bastard to experience some pain. First he suffers.

TO: [smiles] An den 'e suffurs sum more Ana'ting else ye want me ta do ta 'em?

DV: [looks at his hands] Yes. Make his knuckles bleed.

TO: Dunnie! Ah like dat! 'arpa, 'dis bloomin idiut isnna so bad afta all.

[mooseheadjack]

*Chris Alt, Hardbody Harris, Fievel, and Low-Ki sit in a locker room. CA and HH hold icepacks to their tender, bruised heads*

LK: You guys got any like, porn, or something I can look at?

HH: I'm sorry, why are you here?

LK: I got nothing better to do, and I know how much you OOWF guys love it when "real" wrestlers make guest cameos.

RF: WHOOOOO! Lunch, anybody?

CA: Ooh, Chicken Parmesian on roasted garlic for me, please. Be generous with the green peppers.

RF: Coming right up, fat boy!

CA: Am I--?

HH: No, you're not fat! I swear! Anyway, Low-Ki, you could've helped us out at the bar.

LK: I was being all honorable and stuff.

CA: Aren't you a heel now?

LK: Dude. It's 2005. Heel, face, it's all the same. Quit being so "everything is black or white".

CA: Man, this has been the most miserable last few weeks of my life. First I lose all these matches, then I keep getting beat up, then we get jumped during our best karaoke performance EVER. I don't know why I'm even bothering at this point.

*A shadow falls over our depressed heroes. The camera pans over to--*

CA and HH: NEIL DIAMOND!?!?!?

ND: The one and only.

HH: What are you doing here?

ND: Well, I heard about the little pity party you guys were throwing for yourselves, and I knew I had to do something. You two can't sit around feeling sorry for yourselves all day. Hardbody, you're the OOWF World Champion and the NUMBER #1 FACE IN THE OOWF! You're a hero and an inspiration to millions. Women and Donnie Viper want you and men want to BE you!

DV: I AM NOT A HO--

ND: CAN IT, ASSHOLE, OR THE ONLY FISTING YOU'LL BE GETTING IS MY FIST DOWN YOUR THROAT.

DV: Bye bye now.

ND: *ahem* As I was saying. Anyway, look at you Hardbody. Just take a look at that TRIK*D OWT TYTLE! You have nothing to be feeling gloomy about! And look at you, Chris. You have wrestling talent that 3 quarters of this locker room just WISHES they had. You have the #1 BEST FRIEND IN THE OOWF! You're not losing matches because you're a loser, you're losing matches because you let a little bit of discouragement get you down!

CA: By God, you're right!

ND: And you, Low-Ki! You... actually, what the hell ARE you doing here?

LK: I--

ND: Ah, who cares?

*ND begins playing his guitar*

ND: Where it began... I can't begin to knowin... but then I think it's growin strong... was in the spring... and spring became the summer... who'd have believed you'd come along? Hands....

ND, CA, and HH: TOUCHING HANDS!!!! REACHIN OUT... TOUCHIN ME, TOUCHIN YOU!!

ND, CA, HH, F, LK, and RF: SWEET CAROLINE!

CA and HH: BAH BAH BAH

ND, CA, HH, F, LK, RF, Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster: GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD!

CA, HH, JA, and AA: SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!

ND, CA, HH, F, LK, RF, JA, and AA: I'VE BEEN INCLINED TO BELIEVE THEY NEVER WOULD BUT NOW

*All of the sudden, a violent crash is heard. ND hits the ground and Moosehead Jack stands over him with a steel chair wrapped in barbed wire*

HH: NEIL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MHJ: I suggest you idiots start taking things just a little more seriously. This isn't OOWF: The Musical, this is the beginning of the end for you, Alt. Trust me.

*MHJ vanishes down the corridor*

CA *kneeling beside ND*: I'll get you for this, Jack. If it's the last thing I do.

*fade to black*

[mooseheadjack]

<Neil Diamond staggers into the corridor saying his goodbyes to Alt, Harris and everyone else inside>

HH: Are you sure? We can walk you to your car

CA: Yeah, it is no trouble either, wecan even sing I am I Said, that song kicks ass!

Feivel: Miwster Diamond, will you pwease stay?

ND: I can't guys, there are people who need me. I must go where people need my inspiration

CA: Wow, Neil, how do you stay so positive?

ND: Chris, my life is a buffet of plus size women and shag carpets, life is good, stop and think about that next time you are feeling down.

CA: WOW Mr. Diamond, thank you so much!

ND: My pleasure. Gentlemen, stay well, and remember, when all else fails, Neil cares.

<Neil throws his jacket over his shoulder and walks down the hall humming one of his tunes. As he gets to a needlessly dark part of the corridor, Moosehead Jack emerges from the shadows and SLAMS Neil in the head with a lead pipe. Neil hits the floor barely moving. Jack takes the pipe and keeps wailing on Neil>

MHJ: AND THIS <THUD> IS FOR COMING <THUD> TO<THUD> AMERICA>THUD
WORST<THUD>
SONG<THUD>
EVER<THUD>

<Jack is panting hard, but looks pleased with himself, and walks away. He barely gets fifty feet from the crime scene when Scheme Gene approaches>

SG: Moose, you assaulted me with a steel pipe! And now you just assaulted NEIL DIAMOND! What do you have to say..........<THUD>

MHJ: Looks like I just assaulted you again. <Jack turns to the camera> I am hearing a whole lot of talk about people having a bad day, well boo freakin hoo. Let's recap what I have had to put up with. First, that idiot Niles gets my partner Concrete suspended, I have not heard a word from Crete, for all I know he is in Japan playing superhero. Then, Niles, being the spineless gutless coward that he is decides he needs a vacation after starting a war with me. THEN, last night, I lose to that moron Attitude Adjuster. Oh, and before I forget prophet, you and I will cross paths again, you have spilled my blood and I have spilled yours, this is not settled. Then I find out that GM the Rick puts me in a tag match against Harris and Alt, no problem there, I will enjoy beating the snot out of those two. But my partner is Carl Coolname, you think I trust him?

The only comfort I have had in the last month was making your life a living hell Alt. Two weeks boy, in two weeks you get the beating of your life. <Jack look's real close into the camera> Well, this is what everyone wanted, everyone said Jack was getting soft, that I was getting weak, they wanted the OLD Jack again, well Jack's back, and my path of rage starts NOW

Trust me

<Jack kicks the camera man in the midsection and DDT's him on the concrete floor, the camera tumbles to one side and wee see Jack walk away>

[mooseheadjack]

Chris Cole walks into the 3 Piece Set locker room where Firechild is watching video of Thim Reynolds.

Cole: Firechild, I need to ask you a favor.

FC: What do you need man?

Cole: I drew Mr. Jealous in the second round of the tournament. You had some "dealings" with the guy a while back. I thought you might have some advice.

FC: Well I have a few ideas.

Cole: That is why you are the master of headgames my friend.

Fade to Black

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline stare at the carnage that was a Neil Diamond concert--or whatever.

AA: What the hell are we doing in this scene?

JA: I agree. This is some seriously wierd shit. It's like the entire OOWF is turned upsidedown.

AA: Speaking of which, what's up with you and I both winning this week? I mean, me, Attitude Adjuster, winning?

JA: Dude, we gotta celebrate!

Suddenly, JA and AA are handed two glasses of champagne. They toast and slug down the bubbles.

JA: You know, it just isn't the same without Niles. Besides, we're getting our asses kicked by everyone...even masked dudes.

AA: Yeah, that was our gimmick!

JA: Iet-qua on the ask-me! That wasn't us!

AA: That right, I keep forgetting. It was Dusty Rhodes, right? I always knew he was the Midnight Rider...

JA: Look, we gotta find Niles.

AA: But he's in Hawaii.

JA: Road trip!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hours later at the airport...

AA and JA are walking through security. AA walks through the metal detrector and sets it off. He walks back through, takes off his watch, yet sets it off again. Back through, takes off his belt and pulls his brass knuckles out of his pocket. The metal detector still goes off. The security woman waves the wand over AA. The wand is silent but wildly beeps as it nears his crotch. AA nonchalantly unzips his pants, pulls a large piece of aluminum foil out of his pants, and unwraps it to dilvulge a giant zucchini. He tosses the zucchini to the security agent. AA and JA walk toward the departure gate laughing.

AA: Man, you'd think no one had even seen Spinal Tap before. It's a classic!

[mooseheadjack]

**Eric O’Mac and L.D. Williams are standing with their backs to the camera.. Williams is holding a steel chair.**

EOM: “You sure about this?”

LD: “Yeah, I’m sure. Tru- … Don’t worry about it.”

**The camera swings around to show Eric holding a golden urn. Suddenly the room darkens and starts to fill with smoke. L.D. swings the chair, whick collides with something solid, followed by a muffled thud. The smoke clears, revealing Underdawg laid out on the floor. Williams places the chair against ‘Dawg’s throat and leans on it.**

LD: “My very first match in the OOWF, you kicked my sorry ass. I told you then it wasn’t over, but you didn’t even bother to respond. Things have changed a bit since then. Nobody ignores me anymore, not even you. I might respect you, and Ikinda like what you’ve done to AA and Johnny, but Wednesday night I’m takin’ you down. Nobody is going to take this belt from me. Nobody.”

**L.D. tosses the chair aside and walks away. Eric gently sets the urn down beside Underdawg, mumbles a quick apology, and hurries to catch up to L.D.**

EOM: “Seriously, do you really think it’s a good idea to irritate the big Dawg?”

LD: “It’s like Moose says, there’s too many sing-a-longs and show tunes around here. It’s time for guys to remember what the OOWF is about. Besides, I can’t let Moose have all the fun. Let’s go find Vander.”

[mooseheadjack]

3 Piece Set is in their locker room. There is a knock at the door and then a man walks in. He is dressed in a similar style of the Set members and is the same basic height and weight (slightly smaller) then Cole.

Cole: Hey man. Glad you could make it. (Cole and the man shake hands)

Man: Thanks for inviting me, Chris. I've had my eye on the OOWF since you left BTW to come here.

Cole: Hey guys I want you guys to meet Luke Eliot. He was my tag partner in BTW. We won the BTW Tag Team Titles and then we traded the BTW World Title after that. Luke meet Ax & Firechild.

Ax: (shaked Luke's hand) Nice to meet you man. Chris told me a lot about you during our historic tag team run.

Luke: I enjoyed watching you two. You were easily the most entertaining team in the company.

FC: Welcome Luke. You should hang with us tonight. We are going partying. I know this great place.

Luke: Will do.

Cole: Let's go. I'm ready to tear up this town.

The four men walk out of the locker room.

Fade to Black

[mooseheadjack]

[Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are seen walking on a Hawaiian beach at sunset, apparently looking for Niles Anderson. Johnny's got headphones on, singing along with David Coverdale, and AA suddenly has an epiphany, rips the headphones off Johnny and they stop on the beach.]

JA: What?? It was coming back to the chorus. Ya know the part where he goes...

AA: Never mind that. Do you remember seeing my brass knuckles in my bag? Did I put them back in after the security check at the airport?

JA: Man, I don't know. Besides, what will we need with them here? We don't have a match.

AA: Yeah, but you know how we always manage to piss people off. And we can never have too much backup.

JA: That's why we're here: backup. Let's find Niles tonight so I can get up tomorrow at like 5:30 and play two rounds at Kapaluha.

AA: Hey, let's see if they know anything.

[The camera turns to show some sort of Hula festival taking place further down the beach. The Chickenshit Heels approach.]

JA: Is that a pig in the ground?

AA: Maybe they're serving sandwiches.



LHF: Can I help you?

AA: Yeah, I was wondering if I could have a sandwich?

LHF: Huh?

JA: Never mind him. We need to know if you've seen this guy...

[Johnny pulls an 8x10 glossy photo out of the inside pocket of his jacket. It is an official OOWF promo picture of Niles Anderson with the OOWF World Title around his waist. The large Hawaiian fellow holds the phto and studies it.]

JA: You seen him?

LHF: Yeah, actually I have. He didn't have that trophy around his waist though.

AA: Hey!

LHF: He was down this way a couple of nights ago. Said something about a concrete moose with a hard body or something.

AA: Was he okay?

LHF: Looked fine to me, just like any other tourist. Kinda like you two. Don't ask me where he went though. He just walked off like a little prick after one of our guys approached him wearing one of our traditional masks.

AA: Masks? But Niles...

JA: [elbows AA in the ribs] Look, we appreciate the help.

AA: You mind if we get a bite to eat?

LHF: Sure, come on.

[About twenty minutes later, we see AA and JA finishing their plates. They go to thank the large Hawaiian fellow before leaving.]

JA: Look, thanks for the help. Next time we wrestle any of your Samoan bretheren, we'll take it easy on 'em.

LHF: Huh?

AA: Oh, and your spread here is lacking a little color...

[AA pulls the zucchini out of his pants and tosses it into the salad bowl. AA and JA laugh as they walk back toward thir hotel.]

[mooseheadjack]

3 Piece Set & Luke Eliot are at a local Night Club. They are hanging out with a group of young ladies.

Cole: Hey Luke, you see that sweet thing over there?

Luke: Yea.

Cole: She is a freak. Everybody needs to have a twirl with her. It is sort of OOWF tradition.

Luke: She that Wild?

Cole: You won't be disapointed.

Luke: Alright.

(Luke goes over to talk with the girl)

Cole: So is Jealous busy.

FC: Oh he won't be bothering us for awhile. I boguht him and his girl a beer earlier and his was laced with Ex-Lax. He'll be on the sh*tter for some time.

Ax: Man, no wonder Jealous is so jealous. His girl is a freak.

FC: Yea, I feel bad for the guy sometimes.

Cole: Are you f*cking with us.

FC: Yea, that guy is a total tool.

Fade to Black

[mooseheadjack]

<Moosehead Jack is seen walking down the hall, he kicks GM the Rick's door open and walks right in>

GMtR: What the hell? DAMMIT MOOSE KNOCK!

<MHJ raps his knuckles on GM the Rick's desk> There.

GMtR: I hate you, what do you want?

MHJ: I hear Coolname has left the OOWF because of what that idiot Beast did.

GMtR: Well, we have been in discussion with his legal team trying to keep this out of court and such, but yeah, he is also pretty much done here

MHJ: Well?

GMtR: Well what?

MHJ: Well what about me? I am supposed to team with him against Alt and Harris, you expect me to just fight them both?

GMtR: You afraid of them?

MHJ: <glaring ar GM the Rick> You know damn well I will go out there on my own if I have to, but you will be the one held responsible for what happens, not me.

GMtR: Are you threatening me?

MHJ: And if I am?

GMtR: Well, what do YOU think we should do?

MHJ: Well, seeing how this is all Chris Alt's fault.....

GMtR: Alt?!? How the hell is this his fault?

MHJ: Cause the whiny little bitch is going to Beast and crying on his shoulder about what a loser he is, and since Beast isn't the brightest guy on the planet, he tries to make Chris happy by raping Coolname. Beast doesn't know better, Alt does. I mean think about it, Alt wanted revenge on Coolname so bad, but he is way too much of a coward to do it in the ring, so of course he sends Beast to do this.

GMtR: Jack you are insane

MHJ: It makes sense and you know it, Alt is out to get me, and since he is terrified to face me in the ring, he gets rid of my partner - another guy he is afraid to face in the ring - so I have to face Harris and Alt by myself. For once, I didn't do anything. Now, what are you gonna do about it?

GMtR: There's not a whole lot I can do about it now is there?

MHJ: Sure there is, it's real simple, suspend Alt for this week and give me a title shot against Harris.

GMtR: Why should I give you a title match against Harris?

MHJ: Cause I am going to get one anyway, Harris is a joke, and you and I both know it. Instead of dragging it out for months, let's just get it over with now, I beat him this week, then destroy Alt at Doomy Doomy Doom Doom, then I can move on and defend the title against that coward Niles Anderson if he ever decides to be a man and come back.

<GMtR shakes his head, and looks annoyed> Look Jack, I have alot to consider, get out of here already, you give me a headache.

MHJ: Rick, it's either my way, or your two pretty boys will bleed like stuck pigs. They may beat me, but they will suffer as well. Trust me

<Jack leaves and GM the Rick grabs his trusty whiskey bottle and takes a deep swig>

[mooseheadjack]

*The Evil Wizard is standing in the empty ring surrounded by Microplay, Mercury, Mike Styner and Dr. Murder*

TEW: For weeks now my men have done nothing but win, their enemies have done nothing but die. Nothing but fall under the might of my legion! And still, STILL they are not given the opportunity to challenge for the GOLD. For the GOLD!

MS: GOLD!

DM: Listen to the man when he speaks Styner!

MP: Enough! I've listened to this for weeks, I've heard the talk of Gold, I've heard it for about two months now. And still nothing. Mercury, are you the intercontintenal champion yet? Have you even had a SHOT?

*Mercury scratches his head*

MP: Have you had a SHOT yet?

*Microplay shoves Mercury*

TEW: SILENCE!

*The Evil Wizard makes a sudden gesture and there is a loud bang, smoke fills the ring*

TEW: Your chances WILL come, now enough! I believe that the forces here in the OOWF are against me, The Evil Wizard. I believe that The Rick and all you suits back there have a personal vendetta against me. I believe that the morons who run the OOWF are SCARED to give Mercury an intercontintal title shot, just as they are scared to give Dr. Murder and Styner here a tag-title shot. And just as, since he was screwed by that coward Anderson, they have been terrified, PETRIFIED to give Microplay a shot at the title that is rightfully his!

So I'm calling you out RICK! I'm calling you out - ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME?

*The wizard and his men wait in the ring, the crowd is booing them intensely but getting restless*
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[mooseheadjack]

<generic GM music hits and GM the Rick makes his way to the ring where the Evil Wizard and his men have been waiting antagonizing the fans. Rick is carrying a small notebook with him and doesn't look to pleased to be making a public appearance>

TEW: Well, well, well if it isn't the ever so ...

GMtR: Zip it Potsie, I have had just about enough of people making demands around here. I am sitting in the back watching the World Series, and everyone knows I have been a White Sox fan my entire life, except when they suck, then we all know how much of an Astros fan I am.

Anyway, I am trying to watch the game, and I hear you out here whining about your boys not getting a title shot. So I look up some information, let's review....

According to OOficial OOWF records you took over as manager of this motley crue on August 17th. Since then, Styner has gone 6-3-2, not bad, Microplay and Murder are both 5-5-1, pretty average and Mercury is 4-6-1, not too impressive.

Now, Microplay got four CONSECUTIVE shots at the world title from August 31st to September 21st, winning one and losing three. Despite his losing ways, Mercury got a shot at LD Williams Intercontinental title on October 12th, and lost. Now, since Murder and Mikey have been a team for a bit, I would say they are probably in line for a shot.

TEW: Well what do you plan to do about this outrage!!! My men should have GOLD!

GMtR: This is what I will do for your boys, you have two weeks to show me something <looking at Microplay> and I don't want to hear anything about being a former champion, I really don't care about that. Your boys have two weeks, you show me something, and I will make sure they get some title matches.

TEW: We deserve shots now! This is....

GMtR: This is the best offer you are going to get, you either take this or leave it.
<GMtR leaves the ring>

TEW <shouting at the departing Rick> This is not over I WILL NOT BE DISMISSED! BLOOD WILL FLOW!!!!


<fade out>

[mooseheadjack]

**Eric O’Mac and L.D. Williams approach Mark Vander in a hallway.**

MV: “I saw what you did to Underdawg. I’m surprised you had the guts to approach me face to face.”

LD: “Well, now that you mention it…”

**The Establishment comes from behind Vander and delivers a sickening con-chair-to. Vander crumples to the floor.**

LD: “Mark, they say your little run-in with Viper and Missy messed with your head – that you’re a little unstable – you could snap at any second. I suggest you bring that anger to the ring on Wednesday. We’re not playing games anymore Mark. Not with you, not with Underdawg, not with anyone. Bring your best Mark, or I will end you.”

**L.D. nods to The Establishment, and he and Eric walk away.**

EOM: “That was a little intense, don’t you think?”

LD: “Eric, I’m just getting started…Trust Me.”

[mooseheadjack]

<Westgaard, Capellan, Wilder, Canadian Dragon, Underdawg and Blackdragon are outside the arena, on top of a hill....>

Westgaard: Ok, what is this thing again? <Holding up a thin frame with wheels>

Wilder: It's called a street luge Bird - Like a sled. Only with wheels.

Cap: And on ashpalt.

TW: And a whole lot faster. <Grins>

Canadian Dragon: And you plan on riding this thing?

TW: Nope! I plan on RACING this thing!

CD: Come again?

Cap: Look guys - it's easy. You lay down, and roll down hill. you steer with bodyweight, and you got two and brakes and you can also slow down with your feet.

JW: And how fast can you get on this thing?

TW: <Shrugs> 35 - 40.

BlackDragon: MILES per hour?

Cap: That's the serious X-Games competitors like Wilder, BD. You guys will probably do about 20, 25 tops.

Wilder: C'mon guys - it's just a little speed! Who wants to race? CD? Birdman? Sorry Dawg - I don't think these are built for a dude your size...

UD: I think you're crazy.

TW: Just noticed? So, who's going down the hill with me?

CD: I'll go.

Cap: Cool! OK, CD - here's your gear. Here is how you sit, look between your feet and steer with body lean - but this is a straigth run, you won't need to turn - just brake. See the red flags - and the red line?

CD: Yeah - - -

TW: That's the "bail out" - make sure you hit the brakes when you get to that line - if not sooner.

Cap: Or you'll end up in the intersection.

JWW: EXCUSE ME? Intersection? As in oncoming traffic?

Cap: No sweat JW - hit the brakes at the line, you got pleanty of room. We got the track cut off from traffic too.

<Wilder, Capellan and Canadian Dragon get on their luges, and start down the hill - about 1/4 the way down a figure on a motorcycle starts chasing them>

JW: Who the hell?

UD: I think that's O'Neill!

BD: Oh shit - he isn't... <Start running after them>

<O'Neill pulls even to Canadian Dragon, who hits the brakes rather than get hit by the motorcycle - O'Neill then takes off after Capellan, clipping his luge and sending him crashing into the bales on the side of the road. O Neill then goes after Wilder>

Westgaard: Cap, Dragon - you guys OK?

Cap: I'm fine - that psycho son of a bitch! Viper put him up to this - - - OH SHIT!

UD: What?

Cap: Wilder gone "Suicide"!

BD: Gone what?

Cap: He has his hands over his head to decrease drag - increase his speed. But it also means he DOESN'T have his hands on the brakes.

JW: WHAT?

Cap: Probably trying to out-run O'Neill....

<O'Neill is catching up with Wilder's luge, at it speeds past the red line - seconds later, O'Neill relaizes that he's headed into oncoming traffic, and lays the bike down - Wilder keeps going, just as a OOWF semi truck pulls around the corner!>

<O'Neil barely gets out of the way of an oncoimng car, since he's busy watching Wilder rolling toward the semi. Realizing the rest of the wrestlers are heading down the hill, O'Neill flips them a one fingered salute and takes off>

<Meanwhile Wilder rolls his luge UNDER the semi, rolling between the wheels the length of the big-rig and trailer, pulling hard on the brakes and stopping in the middle of the next intersection, car screeching to a halt all around him - some just missing him.... The result when the rest of the guys get there is Wilder standing in the midst of a 8 car accident, totally unhurt -

Wilder: COME ON O'NEILL, YOU BIG CHICKEN SHIT! WHY'D YOU BAIL YOU WUSS! GET BACK HERE! I'll RACE YOU AGAIN!

Cap: Tommy - you OK?

JWW: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

TW: Huh? What? What did I do?

UD: Look around kid. That could have gone real bad.

TW: Nah - just a couple of fenders. They're OK.

UD: And if you hadn't timed that better?

<JW, Cap, Can Dragon and Black Dragon look at Wilder>

Wilder: Oh, c'mon guys - I had it under control. Totally wired man - seriously. you think I would have done something like that if I was rock solid?

JW: OK, guess not. Enough of this for the day. Let's get back. I got me an psycho piece of crap to hunt down...

<Everyone but Cap and Wilder head back up the hill>

Cap: Dude - you did have that all planned, right?

Wilder:<distracted> Hmm? Yeah, sure did.... Just like I plannded... Heck of a rush though.... Absolutley Wild....

<Cap looks at Wilder, who has a 100 yard stare and a frezied grin on his face.>

<Fade>

[mooseheadjack]

Black Dragon and UnderDawg walk towards where they parked BD's non descript mid-sized sedan.

BD: Those guys are freakin' insane.

UD: Tell me about it.

BD: By the way, sorry about what LD did to you. I should've been there. In a completely unrelated event, I found myself locked outside of the arena. Wonder how that happened? Oh well, we'll get those bastards. I think it's time the two of us really get serious about our team. You know, challenge the right opponents, get matching ring gear, a team name, the whole nine yards.

UD: You do realize you advanced in the tournament and that you have just as good a chance as anybody of winning it right?

BD: Aww, thanks for the vote of confidence Big Dawg. But there's way too many variables and intangibles to factor into that particular scenario right now. What I want to focus on is winning me some gold. IC and World are nice, but tag teaming with you will ensure that we both have lengthy title reigns and always have someone wathing our backs. I mean how many times have the buddies of a singles champion turned on the guy? More times that you can count.

UD: Tag partners tend to turn on one another too.

BD: Yeah, yeah. But only for three reasons that I came up with. A woman. You're old ladies cute and all in a fuzzy wuzzy kind of way, but you don't have to worry about me lusting after her. Besides, I have a woman...I think. She got a job with Fox Sports and Tom Arnold's been buying her stuff....I'm not going to think about that. Anyway. Number 2, constant miscommunication. I promise that if you accidentally hit me, I'll look at the tapes to make sure it was an accident.

UD: Wait, if I accidently hit You? What about you hitting me? You used to be a heel remember?

BD: Yeah good times. I remember when I put Harbody's neck between a chair and whiskey bottle and fucked him up real good...I mean, those times are behind me. Can I finish with my list?

UD: Go ahead.

BD: Thank you. And finally, over zealousness for a singles belt. I've already been IC champion. I don't plan on hanging up the boots anytime soon, so I will become World Champion. You seem content with being the conscience of the OOWF and the Biggest Dog in the yard, so ambition shouldn't hurt our chances at surpassing 3 Piece Set as the longest reigning champs. And there you have it Big Dawg, three reasons why we will be future tag champs. What do you think?

UD: Sounds logical enough. Then again, you were the guy giving Ric Flair a memorial service and dropping elbows on sandwiches. (Just then something explodes in the background....)

JWW: Run! Run you sons of bitches.

(wCw run past them)

BD: I told you those guys were insane.

[mooseheadjack]

## After a brief knock on the door SFJ #42 walks into Thim Reynolds changing room. Thim is relaxing with a cup of tea and a pair of Thimanoids . . .

SFJ: Thim. Hi. Can we have a quick word?

TR: for you my dear anything . . . wanna join the Thimanoids?

SFJ: errr, no. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions about your match this week?

TR: of course, business first, pleasure later then.

SFJ: quite. Now I see you've drawn Firechild for a title defense this week . . . tough match

TR: no worse than anyone else I've had to take on around here

SFJ: but wasn't it Firechild who defeated you to win the first ever Onslaught Title? Surely that means he's somewhat more of a threat that some of the other wrestlers.

TR: maybe a tad . . . but look. I'm well into my second reign as Onslaught Champion, something I don't intend to give up without a damn hard fight. I know that Firechild can bring it in the ring sometimes but while I've been fearlessly taking on all-comers and winning, Firechild has been pussyfooting around playing mind games with a that bible bashing, albino (and now very crispy) freak Seraph!!! He's lost his focus for what this company should be all about . . . WRESTLING!!!

SFJ: so you're not worried then

TR: do I look worried . . .

SFJ: well, not really no. So if you're not worried about Firechild who is the greatest threat to your title?

TR: honestly? Me. I know that everyone else knows that I'm easily the best pure wrestler in the company, even our other singles champions like Hardbody Harris and LD WIlliams will tell you that. My problem is keeping fit and healthy and keeping my concentration up - I may be good but if I don't bring at least my B game out there every week someone's going to take me down. That and the problem of these niggling injuries of course . . .

SFJ: speaking of that how are the ribs doing? It looked like they were causing you some problems in your tag match last week

TR: yeah, I felt a twinge or two from them last week but that wax to be expected . . . ribs are funny things - takes ages for them to heal properly. I've still get the strapping on but that's purely a precautionary measure.

SFJ: so you should be at 100% this week

TR: darling, I never go into the ring and give any less than 110% I just think it's a shame that theRick keeps putting people like Firechild and me up against one another. I know we've had our differences in the past but we're much more alike than people realise

SFJ: so there's honour amongst heels now then

TR: coughkayfabecough

SFJ: whoops, sorry - I meant that there's honour amongst thieves now then

TR: woah - what are you trying to say??? Just for that this interview is over

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are lying on the beach, drinks in hand, watching the waves roll in. Adrenaline’s golf clubs are lying next to him, as JA’s already played 36 today. And AA has a surfboard propped in the sand and after a morning of riding the waves. Apparently they are in no hurry to find Niles Anderson.

AA: You know, it seems like we’re in no hurry to find Niles.

JA: Why should we? If the choice is hanging out here or bringing Niles back to…to…where the hell do we wrestle this week? (Johnny pulls a sheet of paper from his golf bag.) Scituate, Rhode Island? The hell? I mean, what kind of choice is that?

AA: Yeah, and there’s no masked men threatening us here on the beach. Just kick back and relax.

Slowly, a shadow forms over The Chickenshit Heels ™. AA tries to brush it away with his hand, then realizes it’s a shadow of a person. A big person.

SHADOW: Hey boys. What do you think you’re doing out here?

AA: Umm, nothing. Nothing, really. In fact, we were just leaving. Yeah, just…

JA: NILES!!!

Niles Anderson steps into view of the camera. He looks happy, trim and tan.

NA: So you two came looking for me. What’s been going on? OOWF about to go under without me around?

AA: Not so good, Niles. Everyone is picking on us, especially Underdawg and Blackdragon, and some sick masked freak attacked us and threatened us and said if we don’t bring you back at this week’s Midweek Mayhem, he’s beat us up!

NA: Sounds dire. But let’s think this through. If we stay here and don’t show up, how’s this masked man going to beat up you two?

JA: He’s got a point…

NA: I’m staying at this cool condo just half a mile off Waikiki. I can make room for both of you. Plus there’s this hickville wrestling association based here in Honolulu, and we could kick all kinds of ass in weeks!

JA: That settles it. We’re staying. Come sit down and have a drink with us.

NA: Don’t mind if I do.

Suddenly a dark and foreboding shadow falls over the trio.

AA: Niles, stop that. It was funny the first time…

NA: AA, I’m sitting next to you.

All three slowly look up.

AA/JA/NA: AHHHH!!!!!!!

Mysterious Shadow: You three better be on the next flight back to the continent or else! You douchebags made me fly all the way out here, and then the first bar I find has all these fru-fru drinks with umbrellas and limes in them, but there was some hot chicks so I let it slide. Next thing I know I’ve got a dozen umbrellas lined up on the bar and my record of nine years without vomiting is lying on the floor with my head next to it. I spent the night with some fat Hawaiian hula dancer and there ain’t a damn decent bottle of whiskey anywhere on this island. Now if you three aren’t on a plane and in Rhode Island by Wednesday, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll…

AA: Sit here and drink with us?

JA: Play 18 holes of golf every day for the next week?

NA: Give me a shot at the Hawaiian Heavyweight Title?

The Rick: No, no, no!!!!!!!! I don’t know what I’ll do. But I won’t have to figure it out either, because you guys are getting back on that plane now! If you don’t, I’ll kill all your gimmicks and force you three to become The Masked DumbAss Third Generation Star, The Masked FullNelson and…and…and… The Boogeyman!

AA/JA/NA: Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!

NA: Well, I guess my vacation over with. Thanks, guys…

AA: Any time Niles. Glad to be of help!

JA: That was sarcasm, dumbass.

[mooseheadjack]

PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE

From the OOWF Offices in Dayton, OH

Three OOWF Superstars Involved in Airline Incident

Scituate, Rhode Island—Three OOWF Superstar wrestlers were detained at the Scituate International Airport after reports of drunken depravity, sexual misconduct and numerous instances of general childish behavior.

The wrestlers, known in ring as Attitude Adjuster, Johnny Adrenaline and Niles Anderson, were detained immediately after departing Regal Airlines Flight 420 from Honolulu. They have not yet been charged, as apparently Mr. Adjuster called his attorney while en route.

Adjuster (aka Alan Anthony Micheals Howard Capps), Adrenaline (aka Jonathon Daniel David Trevino, Jr.) and Anderson (aka Niles Anderson) are accused of purchasing upwards to 30 alcoholic beverages during the cross-country flight, inappropriately fondling at least five flight attendants, propositioning numerous passengers to “ride Space Mountain” and shaving the pilot’s armpits.

“This is perfectly acceptable behavior for professional wrestlers,” said attorney Diamond Timothy Flowers III, Esquire, LLD ™. “This happens all the times on flights boarded by professional wrestlers. They’ll probably get title shots for this.”

“This is great publicity for the OOWF,” said OOWF general manager The Rick. “I’ll probably give them title shots for this.”

Numerous wrestlers were shocked at the outrageous activities.

“WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” said 16-time world champion Ric Flair. “They didn’t even invite me on the flight!!! Want a sandwich?”

“They’re back?,” said the very hairy OOWF Superstar UnderDawg. “I’m gonna kill them.”

“I’M NOT A HOMO,” said Donnie Viper, for no apparent reason.

“Yo,” said famed alcoholic has-been no-show wrestler Scott Hall. “Did they leave any beer for me?”

Adjuster is scheduled to wrestle “Mercury” at this week’s Midweek Mayhem at the Scituate Community Center, Indian Gaming Casino, Bar, Restaurant and Strip Club. Adrenaline is scheduled to wrestle Eric O’Mac (which we’ve been told might really be his name). Ringside tickets are $10 and can be purchased at the local Kroger’s grocery store, 7-11 and the county prison. Welfare checks and food stamps are accepted.

[mooseheadjack]

Firechild is seen entering the Men’s Bathroom at the arena. A camera follows and we hear loud flatulent noises and groaning.

FC: Jealous is that you?

MJ: UUUUGGGGHHHHH. YES IT IS.

FC: Whoo, courtesy flush man. Please.

MJ: (sound of flush) Sorry. I’ve been on the bowl since last night it seems. Everytime I think I’m done I end up in here half hour later. The drive home last night was terrible. I almost messed myself. THAT MAKES ME REALLY ANGRY!!!

FC: I know you are feeling under the weather and I really hate to be the bearer of bad news.

MJ: SPIT IT OUT!!!

FC: Well last night I saw that new guy Eliot and your girl were really grinding on the dance floor. Then this morning he came to the arena talking about how some girl at the club let him feel her up all night long. He mentioned how she doesn’t wear underwear and he got to “sample the goods”

MJ: UUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. (A loud crash, The door swings open and Firechild just moves out of the way before it knocks him over.)

FC: Man, I wouldn’t want to be the new guy. I hope you feel better man.

(Firechild leaves and the camera follows out as well. As the door swings closed we hear a few more loud noises)