OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 06-04-08

[mooseheadjack]

<We open in LJ Bennett's office where we see Bennett sitting behind a large desk with his army assembled behind him>

Ladies and Gentlemen, as many of you know, this upcoming week we are crowning a new set of champions in the OOWF. We are crowning six man tag team champions, or Trios de Campeones as they will be called.

Now, in the interest of fairness, and I am all about keeping things fair, we decided to split the entrants in the tournament to three teams from my men, three teams from Ricks boys and two teams from the undecideds.

Well, now that WAS the plan, but you see, as CEO of this company I am also about making money, and after seeing the two teams from the Undecideds, well that just wasn't going to work. So, since The Nerve Agent, Voltage and Mark Vander are all currently unavailable....

<cut to a clip of Vander, Nerve and Volt being taken out by Bennett's men>

Since they are no longer available, we needed another team, and on such short notice! Thankfully for us, IHOP and Muerte have stepped up and volunteered to form a team for the tournament. Way to step up boys.

<just then Moose leans in and says something to Bennett>

Oh yes, it seems like The Worlds Greatest Fag Team....we need to get that fixed....needs a partner. Now, I looked at all the names that were not attached to a team, I scoured the list and tried to find just the right partner for them. After hours of deliberation, my eyes fell across the perfect name

Alexander Darling

So Darling, you will be teaming with F. Fonzworth MacCappington III and Ryan Hardcore this week. May the best team win.

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Jakarta, Indonesia

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Outback Jack

OOWF Intercontinental Title vs. Career Match[/u]
Donovan Viper vs. Capellan

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
Gaelic Storm vs. Tytan & Blitz

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Firewoman vs. Bunny

OOWF Campeonas de Trios Tournament[/u]
Moosehead Jack, Attitude Adjuster & The Dead vs. The Worlds Greatest Fag Team & Alexander Darling
Eric O'Mac, Tyson Kincaid & Chris Cole vs. The Midnight Sons & Stank
Concrete TG, Firechild & The Amnesiac vs. IHOP & Muerte
Poe, Justin Sane & Knife vs. Run DLP Classic

Card subject to protest marches

[mooseheadjack]

The World's Greatest Fag Team is looking at the line-up.

FFM- What...the...fuck!? I fuckin' told them, I don't want anything to do with Darling. I don't wanna wrestle him, I don't wanna wrestle with him, I don't want anything to do with him. This is horseshit.

RH- Aw fuck it, man. He's a good wrestler.

FFM- He's a good wrestler?

RH- Yeah. Shit, you, me and him are three damn good wrestlers. We could take this thing. Look at it like this. Dead, AA and Moose all hate the shit out of him, right?

FFM- Yeah, sure.

RH- So they beat the shit out of him, we're fresh, they're all tired from kicking the shit out of Darling. Bam! We win. I think we could take this thing.

FFM- So he's Ricky Morton and we're a pair of Robert Gibsons?

RH- Exactly. Robert Gibsons with giant cocks.

Alexander Darling enters from off screen

AD- Gentlemen.

FFM- Oh, glad you're here. Did you hear the strategy?

AD- Let me get the shit kicked out of me and then you guys score the pinfall?

FFM- Pretty much.

AD- We may have to rethink that strategy.

RH- Hey, can I fuck your sister?

AD- Won't she have a problem with that?

He points off screen and Lauren Phoenix enters

RH- Hey sweet-taint.

LP- What's up? Oh! Hi Alex! Hey, can I fuck your sister?

[mooseheadjack]

Capellan raises his eyebrows at the card.

"The hell?"

"I guess they felt like giving me the week off." Donovan Viper says smugly as he comes into shot.

"I've beaten you before."

"Sure. Years ago. Nowadays you spend more time on your back than Lexie Darling."

Capellan cocks his head to one side as if considering the insult carefully. Finally he shrugs.

"Fine. We'll make it win or walk."

"Huh?"

"Win or walk. I beat you, or I leave the OOWF. I take that title, or I take a hike. Belt vs Career, get it? I don't think I can make it any clearer."

"You've lost your mind." Viper slaps his belt. "This baby isn't going anywhere."

Cap shrugs again.

"I guess we'll see on Wednesday."

[mooseheadjack]

IHOP and Muerte are celebrating their victory in the palatial IHOP dressing room. They are all drinking beer and cheering themselves as they watch the replay of Midweek Mayhem on their plasma television.

Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. SYB sits his cheap beer down and opens the door. Selena is standing in the doorway, leaning on what appears to be a walking stick, with the hood of her cloak pulled over her head.

SYB: “Oh look guys, it’s da Poe-ho. Tell your tall retarded boyfriend that we got him a win. That keeps him above .500 so he should be happy…my Mets would be happy with that right about now.”

Selena is quiet for a moment and doesn’t move.

SG: “Riddle me this, riddle me that. Who’s afraid of the big black bat?”

Selena then swings what appeared to be a walking stick but is now too apparent was a black baseball bat at SYB. She connects with his left shoulder, dropping him like a rock. Selena stands over him and starts beating him with the bat violently.

SG: “They used to call me Crazy Joe! Now they call be Batman!”

Skurge drops his beer and rushes towards the prone SYB to help him. As Skurge gets close, Poe rushes through the door and drops Skurge with a Yakuza Kick he never saw coming.

The beautiful and talented Dorothy Mantooth screams as this happens. Poe stands over a now unconscious Skurge. Poe smiles at Dorothy Mantooth and then eyes Muerte. Poe and Muerte stare at each other, as if waiting for either to make a move. Muerte nods, drawing a nod from Poe before Poe steps off of Skurge and looks back to his beloved moon goddess.

Selena kneels over a squirming SYB, who’s crying from the pain as a result of the baseball bat beat down from Selena.

SG: Like I’d ever let you touch me. You’re disgusting…

Selena shows him her promise ring.

SG: I’m no ho. Love waits.

Poe: Miss Mantooth, if your boys say anything about us ever again, or cross our paths…this will happen again. It will be worse next time. Maybe I’ll let Selena play with you too.

Selena looks at Poe with a wicked smile as she takes his arm and they exit the palatial IHOP locker room. Selena looks back at SYB.

SG: Ya bastard!

[mooseheadjack]

[SYB and Skurge pick themselves off the floor and glare at El Muerte.]

Skurge: What the hell was that all aboot, eh?

Muerte: What do you mean?

SYB: You nodded at him!

Muerte: I thought it would confuse him. Turned out it worked.

Skurge: There has to be more to it than that.

SYB: Yeah, you two must have something going on. You're both foreigners!

[El Muerte hangs his head for a moment.]

Muerte: Really? You two are accusing me of being a "foreigner"? You guys?!?

Skurge: What aboot it?

SYB: Yeah, you two foreigners are in cahoots!

Muerte: I didn't think it would come to this...

[Just then the lights go dim. A projection screen and a slide projector appear out of nowhere. Muerte is holding a pointer in his hand.]

Muerte: Poe hails from Japan. This is Japan.



Muerte: Home of amazing architecture...



Muerte: ...crazy vending machines...



Muerte: ...and panty shots.



SYB: Sweet.

Muerte: On the other hand, I, El Muerte, am the most decorated singles wrestler to ever come out of Mexico. This is Mexico.



Muerte: Home of El Dia de los Muertos...



Muerte: ...tequila...



Muerte: ...and ridiculous hats.



[The lights turn all the way back on. The screen and the projector disappear.]

Muerte: So, as you can see, Poe and I are far removed from one another.

Skurge: Works for me.

SYB: Yep, I'm fine with that.

Muerte: Really? All it took was that for you two to believe me?

Skurge: You could have just said you weren't aligned with Poe.

SYB: Yeah, that would have been a lot easier...

[Muerte just sighs. The camera fades to black.]

[mooseheadjack]

Camera fades to locker room where Gaelic Storm and Midnight Sons are drunk and passed out - beer and whiskey bottles lay about the room, there is also several woman in various stages of undress also layed about the room

Seamus: "Ahhhhh my head"

Spin: "If I had a head like that I think it outta hurt"

Seamus: "ahhhh I need coffee"

DH: "Yeah coffee good"

Damon: "It doesn't have to be good just coffee"

Seamus:" And maybe some eggs and toast to soak up the whiskey..."

Damon: "and some Advil"

Seamus:" Sons there's always room at the bar for you two"

[mooseheadjack]

Immediately after the match, in the Run-DEA suites, and everyone is in recovery mode. Firewoman has not quite made it to her locker room yet, where she just wants to get some peace and quiet already, but there is gear in front of the door as the group prepares to head for the next arena. She has found a quiet little corner to which to tend to her bruises and the small cut that has reopened over her eye. Lucky is off gettng ice and other first aid stuff, and distributing it around. Phantos comes up to her.

P: So...where did he go?

FW: He's getting ice and stuff. Didn't you read the voice over?

P: No, not Lucky....

FW: Oh...oh, he went to get me something from Ric's Sandwich Shop. I'm still banned from there for a few more months. [She flicks her lighter] Remember?

P: Oh...yeah. Right.

FW: You seem to be getting back in the swing of things.

P: I think the sessions with Dr. Freedman have really helped.

FW: ....

P: ...

FW: Okay, look, I know we're on the same team and we're supposed to play nice, but I'm really not in the mood for small talk.

P: Right...Well, I just....how do you turn it on and off?

FW: Turn what off?

Before Phantos can explain, Lucky comes in with ice and a sheet. It's the line-up for next week's Mayhem.

L: Well, this doesn't make sense at all.

FW: Gimme that. [She snatches it out of his hands]. What the fuck?

She looks at it for a minute... Then looks at the wall in front of her. Then stands up....and heads straight for the door at...let's call it a brisk pace. Lucky attempts to follow her, as does Phantos, but they are soon far behind. However, Lucky appears to know exactly where she is headed.

She makes her way through the various Hallways of Random Encounters, sending production assistants, staff, and the occasional wrestler scurrying out of her way. She heads straight for Bennett's door and as she approaches, someone steps out of the door way to block her.

FW: Get out of my way.

MHJ: Now now, is that any way to go see the boss? All sweaty and bloody from your match and other shenanigans?

FW: You had your chance.

Firewoman pushes Moosehead Jack out of her way and into the wall and storms into the office.

LJB: Well well, to what do we own this honor? And please don't get blood on my carpet.

FW: Whose blood? Mine or yours?

Moose has stepped back in the room, behind Firewoman.

LJB: Oh, come now, missy. [Firewoman bristles] Let's sit and talk like civilized adults.

FW: Thanks, I'll stand. What the heck is this? A match with Bunny? For the belt?

MHJ: Not sure you can defend it? [he smirks]

FW: [She considers no-selling Moose's wisecrack, but then remembers the rule.] Oh, that's so not the issue. Bunny and I are on the same team. You putting us in the ring allegedly against each other? Smells like a set-up to me. And that does not sparkle with me.

LJB: Nothing could be further from the truth, my dear. You and Bunny have had some great matches, and were great partners once. Think of the drama! You two know each others' strengths and weaknesses so well, that it can't help but be a great match for the fans. Which benefits OOWF, and which then benefits you in ways that will truly ... what is it you say? "Sparkle?"

FW: How do you figure that?

LJB: A GM that is pleased with a match will have many perqs to give to those who perform well.

FW: At least to those on his side, in his 'army' of miscreants.

MHJ: Ooo, someone bought herself a thesaurus I see.

LJB: You're not so totally with Team Rick as your teammates think you are. Or even as you think you are. You're only siding with them because some of the more... um, "ambitious" of my colleagues tried to force your hand. Oh, I know you keep your word, mostly, and are loyal. Unless you're given a reason, usually one that appeals to your sense of self-interest.

FW: And you think this is that reason?

LJB: That all depends, now doesn't it? I assume there was something you wanted other than this?

FW: Yeah. Dead. One on One. Any kind of match, but no interferences.

LJB: Well, it's not happening next Mayhem. We'll see what we can do about that in the future. Have a nice day.

FW: When. I want a date.

LJB: I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Moose, could you kindly escort Ms. Firewoman to the door?

Even though the office really isn't that big, Moose puts a hand on Firewoman's elbow from behind her. BIG mistake, potentially, as Firewoman whips around to defend herself, but sees Lucky and Phantos, who have finally caught up. Lucky shakes his head, keeping Firewoman from making a potentially BIGGER mistake.

P: I don't think that's necessary Moose. I think she knows where the door is.

Moose steps back with his hands up in that borderline-mocking "Hey, no problem, just trying to help way" as Firewoman walks past him, glaring. Phantos and Lucky follow her. Moose follows them.

MHJ: I think you should consider what Mr. Bennett had to say, Fire. Trust me.

FW: That'll be the day...

[mooseheadjack]

*FADE BACK IN TO THE PALATIAL IHOP LOCKER ROOM*

Skurge: So that's Mexico, eh?

Muerte: That's the rumor.

Skurge: Sorry, I'm not convinced.

Muerte: Maybe this will change your mind.

(The lights dim, the screen comes down and the projector rolls back in. Muerte puts one last image back on the screen.)



Muerte: See? This is clearly Mexico.

Skurge: That's one sexy beast.

Muerte: Satisfied?

Skurge: I suuuure am.

(The lights turn all the way back on. The screen and the projector disappear.)

Skurge: Now what aboot Poe and that devil woman? I can't believe they made me drop my beer.

SYB: I say we blow their fucking locker room up.

Skurge: No. We can't resort to violence. That'll just bring us down to their level. Plus I'm Canadian. We make the French look aggressive when it comes to fighting.

DM: So what do we do?

Skurge: We gotta beat 'em at their own game. We've gotta become the best 3 man team in the OOWF. You know, if we win that Campeonas de Trios Tournament, we can finally be taken seriously around here. That would drive 'em crazy.

DM: But Skurge, if we don't get past Concrete TG, Firechild & The Amnesiac, it won’t even matter.

SYB: I say we blow the fuckers up.

Skurge: No. We can't do that. But you're right. Their action tonight demands an immediate retaliation. And if we don't, we're nothin' but the losers they say we are.

SYB: I know what we're gonna do...

*FADE OUT*

[mooseheadjack]

(We see The Amnesiac and Monkh, standing outside IHOP's locker room, eavesdropping. Amnesiac wears a t-shirt that says "We've got bush!", while Monkh wears a shirt that says "Ogre, You Asshole" The Amnesiac turns to Monkh.)

Amn: What do you think their plan is?

Monkh: I dunno, but I don't wanna get blown up. I don't understand.

Amn: Well, maybe we should bring our riot shields to Mayhem next week.

Monkh: Yeah, those pancake guys scare me.

Amn: Yeah, but they're working with Muerte.

Monkh: And that makes them about as effective as a robster without craws.

Amn: What the fuck are robster craws?

(Monkh blinks.)

Amn: Sorry, nevermind. Let's get outta here before they discover us out here.

(Both of them turn and walk away. The camera fades to black.)

[mooseheadjack]

*Davin Moreland and Chris Jericho are yapping about something while eating Ric's Sandwiches in the Run DEA Locker Room Suites, presented by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels. Lucky, Firewoman and Phantos all just arrive from their encounter with Bennett*

DM: So...Let me get this straight.

FW: I do NOT want to hear this from you. Where's my sandwich?

*Jericho hands Firewoman her sandwich, she opens it and is CLEARLY unhappy*

FW: DAMMIT! WHAT PART OF VEGETARIAN DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND! THIS IS NOT A VEGETABLE! THIS IS HAM! THIS DOES NOT SPARKLE!

CJ: Oh for God's sake Lisa will you please shut...the hell...up?

DM: Nicely done.

FW: YOU are NOT FUNNY!

DM: Fire, seriously, you need to calm down.

FW: Why? Why Bunny? Why am I supposed to be ok with being set-up?

DM: Ok, let me get this straight, you WANT to fight Dead?

FW: YES!

P: Why?

DM: Seriously.

FW: BECAUSE GO FUCK YOURSELF! THAT'S WHY! Plus, we're feuding or something.

DM: Listen, if you really want to get your hands on Dead...

CJ: Read my mind..

DM: Probably. Fire; he's in a Campeones de Trios match with Moose and AA.

FW: Point?

DM: He's up against the World's Gayest Fag Team...

P: They should really fix that...

DM: And your pal Alexander Darling.

FW: Oh. THAT'S fair.

DM: The way I figure it, that's probably 5-on-1, right?

FW: Duh.

DM: Well, for the sake of argument let's say, oh, I dunno, you, Carl, Alexis and your buddies in Gaelic Storm head down to ringside as "spectators". And who knows, there might just arise an occassion where Dead might be in close enough proximity to you to do something about your..."issue".

FW: You know. You're always thinking. I like that.

AD: Yeah! He's always SUCKING too!

DM: *deleted*

AD: *deleted*

*Davin stands up to kill Alexander, but Firewoman cuts him off*

FW: Don't.

*Davin and Alexander glare at each other for a minute*

AD: BOOYAH BITCH! *he leaves*

DM: *sits down and sighs* Why did I do this again?

P: For the best, Davin. For the best. That's what you said.

FW: Chris, c'mon. Buy me a real sandwich.

CJ: Yes'm

*They leave, Lucios walks in*

DM: Oh good, you're here.

L: That I am.

DM: We need to talk.

P: So talk.

L: Don't be a jerk.

P: AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE MY DAD!

DM: Enough of this guys. We have to talk. Listen, we've got a real chance here in the Campeones de Trios to win it, but we have to be on the same page. AND we have to work together.

L: Shouldn't be a problem. Can you believe we've only all tagged together once.

P: It'll be fun just hanging out with you guys for a while.

DM: Listen, I know that things have been crazy around here; but I think all-in-all it's working out pretty well. And this Campeones de Trios tournament is our chance to bring some more gold into the faction.

L: Besides...

P: We always looked better with championships...

DM: Whaddya say?

L: No one is better than the three of us. No one have our combination of talent and experience working together.

P: And I know we could use some championships.

DM: So? What do you think? Phantos? Wanna do another pre-game speech?

P: Before the match? I'm the captain. It's my job.

L: That it is.

DM: Alright then, let's go to work.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

<Moose and Eric are walking through the halls in the Jakarta Arena>

MHJ: Kinda funny isn't it?

EOM: What's that?

MHJ: When this whole war first started people were screaming that our side couldn't work because you and Dead were fighting each other for the Onslaught title. How did that work out?

EOM: Seems to have worked well enough, I mean it sucks that neither of us have the title now, but we can co-exist just fine.

MHJ: Exactly. I mean me, AA and Dead are on opposite sides with MacCap and Hardcore, we aren't complaining

EOM: True

MHJ: But you make one match between Fire and Bunny and she is screaming bloody murder and throwing another temper tantrum

EOM: She is spoiled. One of these days, she will get whats coming to her

MHJ: With that attitude, it may come sooner than she thinks

[mooseheadjack]

AA happens upon Moosehead Jack in the hallways of the Jakarta Arena. Since they’re tag team partners this week and they’re both on LJ Bennett’s side of the OOWF war, we’ll forget for a while that the last time these two had any interaction MHJ was hanging AA on barbed wire and beating the holy crap out of him.

AA: Hey Moose, you got a second? I want to talk about my career advancement opportunities.

MHJ: What? Did we suddenly turn into Hewlett-Packard?

AA: Huh? No, we’re just changing our name to EDS—An HP Company. No big deal.

MHJ: You’ve completely lost me already.

AA: Oh, oops. Sorry, I’m writing this at work. Got my identities mixed up.

(MHJ stares a hole through AA.)

AA: Anyway, as you know I’ve been on a bit of a winning streak since going solo. Two weeks ago I beat Carl From Fresno, who then performed admirably in his Intercontinental Title shot against Viper at Manila Warfare. Meanwhile, I got the pin at Warfare for our tag team. Then last week, I beat Bunny AND Knife. So the way I see it, I’m 6-0.

MHJ: 6-0?

AA: Yeah, Carl was one, then Nerve Agent, Voltage and Firechild are two, three and four, and then Bunny and Knife are five and six.

MHJ: You don’t get extra wins for tag matches!

AA: Really? I always wondered why Johnny and I were ranked so low. But I do get two wins for Bunny and Knife, right?

MHJ: NO!

AA: But it was a handicap match! They both hate me!

MHJ: Everyone hates you! You piss everyone off!

AA: Except the booker. He loves me. AA Equals Ratings, you know.

MHJ (clearly exasperated): If you didn’t cut such ridiculously good promos I’d kill you myself. So what do you want, anyway?

AA: A title shot.

MHJ: A title shot?

AA: Did I stutter?

MHJ: Did I?!!!!!

AA: Uh, no. But see, I haven’t had a singles title shot since I faced Blackdragon for the Intercontinental title more than two years ago. That was before The Heels even existed. I invented the Invisible Ninja Cameraman that week! It was that long ago!

MHJ: So what you’re saying is that because you’ve won three matches in a row…

AA: Six!

MHJ: Three!!!! Since you’ve won three matches in a row, I will give you this.

AA: Yeah, yeah!

MHJ: It’s not up to me.

AA: But you’re the booker!

MHJ: Yes, I am. And I just invented the OOWF Championship Committee. They decide who gets the title shots.

AA: The OOWF Championship Committee? OK, so who’s on this committee?

MHJ: Well, let’s see. (clearly thinking on his feet) Bruno Sammartino. Vern Gagne. Stan Hansen. Bruiser Brody. Dory Funk Jr.

AA: Are any of these guys still alive?

MHJ: Dusty Rhodes. Rick Martel.

AA: Martel??? Come on, now you’re just making up people!

MHJ: The Iron Sheik. Andre the Giant.

AA: That’s a pretty impressive list.

MHJ: Tommy Rich and The Ding Dongs.

AA: Tommy Rich and The Ding Dongs?

MHJ: Well, we couldn’t get Ric Flair.

AA: So all I have to do is get these guys to give me a title shot.

MHJ: Yes, you need a majority vote. Get that, and you get your title shot.

AA: Sammartino, Gagne, Hansen, Brody, Funk, Rhodes, Martel, Sheik, Andre, Tommy Rich and The Ding Dongs. But that’s 12. What if it’s a tie?

MHJ: The Ding Dongs only get one vote. They’re a tag team.

AA: Ahh, of course. That makes perfect sense. Thanks, Moose!!!

MHJ: Now get out of here before I break something over your head.

AA: One more thing. Can I get the pin this week in our tag team match? You know, I can sneak in and pin Darling after you guys all get done beating the hell out of him? I still do the Chickenshit thing pretty well.

MHJ: I’ll think about it.

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - Hey Moose.

Moose - Stank

Stank - Hey Alan.

AA - Jyeaaaaah Boyeeeee!

Stank - Don't do that.

AA - Aiight... Peace out! I'm Ghost! Ya heard?

<Attitude Adjuster struts out of view.>

Stank - Just for the record I never talked like that around FF or anyone.

Moose - I know.

Stank - Anyway while you're thinking about making AA look good in his match, I was wondering if you can do me a favor?

Moose - *Sigh* What is it?

Stank - I've been doing my best to put Eric O'Mac over. I figure he deserves the rub and we need more guys in the World title scene.

Moose - True, true.

Stank - Well now you got us in the 3 man tag match against Eric, Cole and Kincaid.

Moose - Yes.

Stank - And you know The Midnight Sons and I... well let's face it... We can be perceived as division killers.

Moose - I wouldn't say that.

Stank - Good. That mea- wait... what do you mean you wouldn't say that?

Moose - I mean there are some damn good teams in this division. Including the one you're going to face.

Stank - Sure they're good but... C'mon! D&D are multiple time champions! Our faction has held titles in EVERY division.

Moose - Good point. Perhaps I should have you guys job out the first round.

Stank - NO! Now see THAT is why I wanted to talk to you... fight that instinct. We want belts!

Moose - But you just said-

Stank - FORGET what I said we want belts!

Moose - Like the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal title belt I took from you?

Stank - Why you gotta bring up old shit?

Moose - Look, I hear what you're saying and I'll take it under adv- WHY AM I EVEN ENTERTAINING THIS CONVERSATION!?! WHERE THE FUCK IS KAYFABE??

Stank - I think she hung herself.

[mooseheadjack]

(The camera picks up an Ultimo Inc. headquarters and the office of Mr. Steel. The door is open enough that the cameraman and dumb-blond interviewer #36can see him on the phone in the middle of a conversation.)

Mr. Steel : It seems that the sides have realized that Ultimo Inc. better yet, Tytan would be a good ally to have. But more importantly it seems that your offer comes with a bit more perks then the other. So naturally being the good business man that I am I will have to accept it.

DBI: (Whispers) It seems like Ultimo Inc. is joining in the war.

(Steel notices and quickly ends the conversation and heads to the door.)

Steel: How many times do I have to tell you that what goes on in my office is not public domain?

DBI: Sir, that's the first time that you have ever said that to me, and this is the first time that I have been here.

Steel: Oh...just remember that for next time.

DBI: It seems like you are joining in on the war.

Steel: Damn straight. It's about time too. We are about to release the new Summer Catalog and what a way to show it off.

DBI: Can you tell us what side you are joining?

Steel: Not at this moment. The deal has not be finalized.

DBI: But a deal has been made?

Steel: Yes and no.

DBI: Can you explain, I am a bit confused.

Steel: Go figure, but now I need to move on to Tytan and his training.

(He heads to the training area where Tytan is getting his latest dose of whatever it is that is not steroids by Dr. Podvod.)

DBI: What is he doi---

(cameraman stops her.)

Cameraman: Remember what happened last time someone asked that?

DBI: Oh right!

(Just then Blitz enters the training facility.)

Steel: Mr. Blitz how good it is to see you. Welcome to Ultimo Inc.!

(To be continued...)

[mooseheadjack]

This happened before Blitz’s TBC meeting with Ultimo Inc.

*Blitz is in a cemetery, looking down at several graves.*

Blitz: Thank you for awarding me with a title shot this week, oh Great Championship Committee, although I have to question the decision to make me tag with Tytan.

*Silence*

B: Ah, I see. Again Bruiser, Andrè, and all you other dead guys, thank you for giving me this opportunity.

*Blitz turns around to leave, but he sees UnderDawg digging a grave, standing in his way.*

B: Oh hey, Dawg.

UD: ‘Sup.

B: So what are you doing here?

UD: Taping a promo for the local indy fed. I’m facing Blood Bath for the World Heavyweight Title.

B: Yoyowiz? It’s going to be tough to beat him.

UD: You can say that again. So what are you doing here?

B: Saying thank you to the OOWF Championship Committee. Bruno Sammartino, Vern Gagne, Stan Hansen, Bruiser Brody, Dory Funk Jr, Dusty Rhodes, Rick Martel, The Iron Sheik, Andre The Giant, Tommy Rich and The Ding Dongs.

UD: But almost none of them are dead.

B: They are to me.

UD: Don’t sweat it. So who are you facing this week?

B: I’m teaming with this Tytan guy to face Gaelic Storm, The OOWF World Tag Team Champions. The problem is, I’ve never even spoke to Tytan before, and one of my allies blew up his gym last week. And according to OOWF Wrestling Rule 73.2, we stand no chance of winning.

UD: How so?

B: The rule states that no makeshift tag team of singles wrestlers may beat a regular tag team.

UD: But I've seen lots of singles wrestlers hold tag belts

B: But not in the OOWF. It's some kind of Internet Wankerdom thing.

UD: Aw. So you wanna come watch my match tonight?

B: Sorry, I’m going to Tytan’s crib to go meet with his handler. Some BDSM stuff I think. Anyway, good luck with your match.

*Cut to commercial for Jakarta Championship Wrestling, featuring JCW Champion Blood Bath doing his yoyowiz routine.*

[mooseheadjack]

Firewoman is WALKING~! in the Hallway of Random Encounters for, well, no REAL reason except it's the best way to take care of a few things. At Random Encounter Point A, she runs into Amnesiac.

Amn: Fire.

FW: Hello. Keep your eyes off my belt. You'll get your shot soon enough, but there's a few in line ahead of you.

Amn: I don't know what you're talking about!

FW: Uh-huh.

Firewoman continues walking, as does Amnesiac. This brings us to Random Encounter Point B, where she runs into Bunny.

B: Flamechick.

FW: Furby.

B: Nice belt.

FW: You're not getting it back.

B: I might.

FW: Yes, you might. But I'm not going to make it easy for you, just because we're....what are we anyway?

B: Ex partners? Rick-Army-mates?

FW: yeah...this doesn't strike you as odd booking?

B: No....It strikes me as either 1. I'm totally deserving of another shot after my awesome performances against Knife...

FW: True....

B: or 2. all of our usual Bennett's Army buddies are tied up in the 6-man team thing, so that limits who can be in other matches?

FW: What? That doesn't even make sense...no, I think it's a set up....

B: Whatever. You are one paranoid chic...er, woman.

FW: Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they are not all out to get us. We're going to have a great match, but if I see any hint of shenanigans... well, I think the rest goes without saying. Agreed?

B: Agreed. Let's flip on it. For old time's sake!!!

FW: No.

B: Please???

FW: Seriously, no. You go ahead, though. Knock yourself out...uh, figuratively speaking.

Bunny does one of his patented standing flips with perfect landing. Random production crew standing around applaud, and Firewoman reluctantly joins in.

FW: Beautiful. See you in the ring.

B: Peace out.

[mooseheadjack]

<The OOWF Camera cuts to the OOWF Arena Random Hallway where we see GM the Rick scurrying down the hallway, shuffling through papers and mumbling something to himself. A few stage hands try to talk to him but he brushes right past them and heads to his office where he enters and slams the door behind him. Thanks to the Invisible Ninja Cameramen we are inside the office and hear Rick drop the papers on the desk, plop down in his chair and turn on the desk light>

Voice: You know, you really ought to lock your door

<Rick jumps out of his seat and backs against the wall, his eyes darting to the door>

GMtR: MOOSE! Wh....what do you want?

MHJ: Calm down Ricky. If I wanted to hurt you, you would never have made it out of your seat. And forget trying to make it to the door, you will never make it. Just have a seat and relax, I am just here to talk

<Rick slides back into his seat, never taking his eyes off of Moose. Rick's hands tremble slightly as he opens his bottle of whiskey and takes a deep drink of courage that seems to steady his resolve a bit>

GMtR: So.......what do you want?

MHJ: I think we need to have a little chat. Let bygones be bygones, right Rick?

GmtR: You mean let the fact that you suckered me into a sneak attack that almost cost me my life? You want that to be a bygone?

MHJ: Hey, you are still alive. And you agreed to the match, YOU put yourself in harms way. You agreed to step into the ring, making you a fair target.

GMtR: For a 13 on 1 beatdown?

MHJ: Perhaps a bit excessive, but it was to prove a point

GMtR: Which was?

MHJ: Which was, and still is, that you have lost control of this company. You have lost your nerve. Damn Rick, I thought this was going to be a war between the two sides, and it is, but you damn sure are not leading the charge. You are leaving it all up to Davin and others. And, that is going to change soon too.

GMtR: What are you talking about?

MHJ: Well, lets just say there was some......liberties taken by Mr. Moreland that will ultimately compromise his position of power under you.

GMtR: You didn't come here to talk about Moreland, you don't really care about the power struggle Moose, I know you, you are a mercenary out for blood, so what are you doing here now?

MHJ: I have a simple message for your boys, and I think it would be most effective if it were delivered from you, the man they are supposedly fighting to defend.

GMtR: And that is?

MHJ: Bennett is off limits.

GMtR: HA! Yeah I am sure they will fall right in line with that

MHJ: We're not playing. See the difference between you and Bennett is simple, YOU agreed to the match, so YOU got what you deserved. You thought you could hang with the big boys and you paid the price. Mr. Bennett has never had any delusions concerning his abilities in the ring. He is not a wrestler, he does not interfere in matches unless provoked, he is not trying to challenge the wrestlers.

GMtR: Moose you are crazy if you thi.......

<Moose jumps out of his chair and grabs Rick by the throat and pins him in his chair>

MHJ:<calmly> No, you are going to listen. Bennett is off limits. Whatever happens to the rest of us, that is fine, but if ANYONE lays a finger on Bennett, what happened to you at MADNESS is going to look like a walk in the park. That's not a threat, thats a promise. Are we clear on that?

<Rick's eyes get wide and he nods his head in agreement. Moose releases him and smirks, and walks out the door without another word>

[mooseheadjack]

SFJ#12345 is interviewing Donovan Viper in the back.

SFJ: Your former partner Capellan has issued a major challenge to you. He's willing to put his career on the line for your Intercontinental Championship. What are your opinions on that?

DV: My opinion? Listen Capellan. I don't know what your game is here. You already had a title shot for next Mayhem. Why you asked for that stipulation, I don't know. I mean, you are risking your career, man. What are you trying to prove?

SFJ: Well, your relationship with him has been quite rocky since you broke off the tag team to join with McCappington.

DV: It's not my fault he's insecure. Listen, Cap. I've tried to explain it to you. This business is business. I wasn't trying to make it personal, but you keep wanting to do so. I keep telling you, I respect the hell out of you. I was rooting for you to beat Stank. But you know what? Fine. Hate me. I don't care anymore. It's done. And after Mayhem, your career is done.

SFJ: Speaking of done, last weak you lost your match with Concrete TG by disqualification after he nearly beat you. By all accounts, Concrete should have a rematch for that title. What do you think?

DV: Personally, I think he’s a [freaking homosexual].

[mooseheadjack]

Attitude Adjuster is in search of the necessary votes from the OOWF Championship Committee to get his title shot. He heads to Texas first, since a number of committee members are from there. He first arrives in Borger, Texas, home of Stan Hansen, and quickly finds the Hansen Ranch. He knocks on the door.

SH: Who the hell is knocking on my door!?!?!? Can’t ya see there’s a got dang doorbell?!?!? Ring the damn doorbell!!!

(AA rings the doorbell. The sound of a bellowing steer rings throughout the house.)

SH: That’s dat gumm better! So who do we have here? Who are you!?!

(BTW, Stan is dressed in his wrestling attire, complete with chaps and a bullrope. I guess he really is always prepared for a fight.)

AA: Hi, sir. My name is Attitude Adjuster, and I’m looking to get a title shot in the OOWF. I was told you’re on the Championship Committee.

SH: Yeah, apparently I am. Didn’t know about it until just the other day. Some guy named MooseAss Joe called me. I told him I’d only do it if Bruiser Brody was named to the committee also.

AA: But Brody’s dead.

SH: So?!?! I’m voting for him in proxy. So you better be nice to me!

AA: So The Ding Dongs only have one vote, but you have two? That doesn’t seem fair.

SH: You want fair, son? I’ll tell you what’s not fair! I was the AWA World champion! I made Rick Martel submit to the Boston Crab! I broke his back! Then Verne Got Damm Gagne wants me to drop the belt to Nick “The Fairy Boy” Bockwinkel. In Colorado, no less. Cowboy Country! So I said screw it. I went to Japan with the belt and defended it there. Bockwinkel had to run around with one of the tag team titles until they made him a new belt. And I made damn sure he wasn’t getting the AWA World title back. I done runned it over with my truck and mailed it back to him with the mud tracks still on it!

AA: How very Steve Austin of you.

SH: Steve Austin’s a PUSSY!!!!!

AA: Umm, OK. Yeah, Steve Austin’s a pussy!

SH: So you want a title shot, huh? Who you got on your side?

AA: Well, I’m pretty sure The Ding Dongs like me.

SH: AND??!!?!?!

AA: Um, Tommy Rich? You tag teamed with Tommy Rich, right?

SH: He was a little panty-waist sissy boy most of his career, but his Last Match in Atlanta with Buzz Sawyer was damn good stuff. He’s OK.

AA: I think Dusty Rhodes might like me.

SH: I think you might have a problem there, son.

AA: Why?

SH: I’ll let Big Dust explain that to you.

AA: Great. Umm, I know Verne Gagne hates me. Every since me and Johnny Adrenaline decided not to job to the High Flyers, he hasn’t returned my phone calls.

SH: Verne hate you? Big chicken turd deal. Anyone who Verne doesn’t like is a friend of mine. He wanted The Chickenshit Heels to job to the High Flyers?

AA: Well, actually it was Jim Brunzell’s idea, but...

SH: What an idiot. OK, you got my vote. And you got Brody’s vote. Now get down the road to Dusty’s place, because he’s got a real good story to tell you.

[mooseheadjack]

We cut to Firewoman’s Locker Room, where an intrepid Ninja Cam has managed to plant itself inside, since in the heat of the conversation, Firewoman has left the door open. Ninja Cam has missed some of the conversation, but we can get the gist of it.

FW: We are just going to have to agree to disagree on this. We are never going to see eye to eye.

Y2J: All I’m saying is that you can’t let yourself lose control all the time… or any time… YOU can’t afford to lose ground there, you’ve come to far—

FW: Oh my gods, ENOUGH. Have you not seen what’s going on here? I know a nice suburban Canadian boy like you has no experience with this sort of thing, but this is about as close to a war zone as you can get. Every match ends in some sort of clusterfuck, there’s at least one 5-on-1 a week. I can tell you from recent experience, this is not fun and games. Do you not even watch OOWF? I played it your way last time, and that didn’t work. I could have put Blitz away early, but I did what you wanted…

Y2J: You might want to at least consider Bennett’s offer. It might be safer in the long run…

FW: I didn’t want to join any side, that was your idea. See how that worked?

Y2J: I meant safer for your opponents.

A staredown commences as a nerve has clearly been touched and not in a good way.

FW: I’m not losing control I’ve got all my energy focused very clearly on one target: Team Bennett. You can’t let your guard down for a second, if you do…well, you saw what happened to me in Korea. And what about Ecosystem a few months ago? Heck, they took out the fucking GM for months! That is not happening to me. It never has and it never will. I’m getting them before they get me. That is the only way to survive.

Y2J: This isn’t about survival--

FW: Everything is about survival.

AD: It seems that you two have a fundamental difference in outlook.

Alexander Darling appears in the doorway, eating an orange. He has probably been there awhile, enjoying the drama.

Y2J: Go away, assclown.

FW: Hush. Goodbye Alexander. [She gets up to close the door]

AD: No no, this is interesting. I really think you should listen to what she has to say. Gotta love that ‘take no prisoners’ mentality.

Y2J: You know… [He gets up] I have had about enough of you. It’s your fault she’s gotten back to this—

FW: Hey, hi, remember me? Still in the room.

AD: I don’t know if you’ve actually met her, but she doesn’t really do anything anyone tells her to do. What you see here is being herself, I had nothing to do with it.

FW: Why don’t I just talk to this houseplant here…

Y2J: You’ve taken all the work that Fire and I, and others have done, and ruined it almost over night.

AD: If by ruining you mean ‘positioning her to be the Onslaught Champion.’

FW: You’re both so right. It so totally was not my blood and sweat that got me anywhere…now shut up. And you [to Alexander] … go away.

Alexander walks away from the doorway.

Y2J: Be careful, there might be a canary in the hallway. [he goes to close the door, and looks up one side of the hallway.] Thank goodness that idiot is gone.

Jericho turns around to look the other way and sees Alexander Darling holding a chair and WHAM. Chair shot between the eyes!! Jericho goes down in a heap.

AD: That’s how you swing a chair, idiot!

He barely gets the very good line out, when Firewoman FLIES at him, hand to his throat and pins him against the wall. Alexander struggles to get her hand away from his throat. The commotion brings the rest of Run-DEA to the general vicinity. Alexis rolls her eyes as if to say “Oh…again?” and goes back to what she was doing.

Davin: If you’re gonna do that, at least finish the job. No one likes a tease.

Lucios: You have to do something. [Alexander is turning red.]

DM: I don’t have to do shit but stay black and die.

Phantos: You’re not black. [Alexander’s face is turning more a deep burgundy color now.]

DM: That is not the point.

Alexander is turning blue. Phantos steps up finally, stands between Firewoman and Alexander, facing Firewoman but working on loosening her grip. Firewoman looks through him.

P: C’mon….let go….We all know he deserves it, but it’s time to let go….

[Firewoman loosens her hand enough that Phantos can pull it away. Alexander gasps and coughs, but is otherwise fine.]

P: Why don’t you two go to your separate corners and cool off, now.

[Alexander nods, as speech is still a bit difficult. Firewoman doesn’t nod, but she picks the heap of Jericho up off the floor, goes to her locker room and slams the door.]

P: [to Davin] This is still all for the best?

[mooseheadjack]

Inside the DESTROYITARIUM~...

Spin Hansen: He did WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

Bartender: He said that as part of the conditions of your probation, Mr. Bennett stated that he was confiscating all alcohol in the 'tarium until we were back on domestic soil at the least.

SH: They took the bar?

B: Yeah.

Stank, Outback Jack, and D.H. Magnusson enter

Sta: Who did what?

SH: Bennett! He took the damned bar!

Sta: What?

Spin points to empty bar

OBJ: Right...Let me guess. The probation?

DHM: The whatnow?

Sta: We're on double-secret probation. Happened last week.

DHM: An' nobody told me cuz?

OBJ: It's secret.

SH: Guys, guys...Focus. He...took...the...bar. I'm gonna burn that son of a bitch's house down! I'm going to burn his office down! I'm going to set fire to his face!

Sta: Spi, calm down. We'll restock.

Bartender: Sorry, Stank - They'll just confiscate it again. Until we're stateside, it looks like there'll be no Destroyitarium.

Sta: What?

Bartender: Mr. Bennett is having all deliveries checked by his staff until further notice. We're out guys.

Sta: Let me get my matches.

OBJ: Whoa, whoa...Easy lads. We do something rash like that, and there will NEVER be a Destroyitarium again. We can't go off the cocks like that.

Bartender: He's right guys. Don't do anything stuoid...But it's over.

SH: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Sta: Germans?

DHM: Forget it. He's rolling.

SH: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...

Sta: ...

OBJ ...

DHM: ...

The Bass Player: ...

SH: ...the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!

Spin runs out into the hall alone, and after moment, returns.


SH: What the fuck happened to the Drink and Destroy I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Spin, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Bennett, he's a dead man! Moose, dead! O'Mac...

Sta: Dead! Spin's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

OBJ: We're just the boys to do it.

Bartender: Let's do it!

TBP: ...

SH: Let's do it!

DHM: Let's do it. I got a few ideas, but we're gonna need help. We got some calls to make. I can think of a coupla people who might want in on this.

DHM rifles around the bar, finds an old protective facemask and hands it to Spin

DHM: Here, go see if you find -

SH: Funny. Real goddamned funny.

DHM: Firewoman. The rest, we can make calls for. Now here's what I'm thinkin'...

Stank, Spin and DH all set down at a table, OBJ goes to join them, "tripping" over the Ninja Cameraman's power cable, cutting off the feed.

[mooseheadjack]

Now here's a little story, DH got to tell
About three bad brothers, you know so well
It started way back in history
With Moreland, Darling, and him, Magnusson.
Been had a little partner named Spin Hanson
Just me and my partner and a quart of beer
Riding across the land, kicking up sand
Bennett's posse on my tail cause I'm in demand
One lonely Son I be
All by myself, with just Drink & Destroy
The sun is beating down on my baseball hat
The air is gettin' hot, the beer is getting flat
Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy
His name is Alexander, I said, "Howdy", he said, "Booyah"


He told a little story, that sounded well rehearsed
Four days on the run and that he's dying of thirst
The brew was in my hand, and he was on my tip
His voice was hoarse, his throat was dry, he asked me for a sip
He said, "Can I get some?"
I said, "You can't get none!"
Had a chance to run
Pulled out his sledgehammer
Quick on the draw, I thought I'd be dead
He put the hammer to my head and this is what he said,


"Now my name is Alexander, I've got a license to kill
I think you know what time it is, it's time to get ill
Now what do we have here, an outlaw and his beer
I run this land, you understand, I make myself clear."
We stepped into the wind, Darling had a sledge, I had a grin
You think this story's over but it's ready to begin


Now, "I got the weapon, you got the brew
You got two choices of what you can do
It's not a tough decision as you can see
I can slam your head or you can ride with me" I said,
I'll ride with you if you can get me to the border
Bennett's after me for what I did to his bitches
I did it like this, I did it like that
I did it with a barbed-wire bat
So I'm on the run, Bennett's got us on secret-probation
And right about now, it's time to have some fun
The King DH Magnusson, that is my name
And I know the fly spot where they got the champagne."
We rode for six hours then we hit the spot
The beat was a bumping and the girlies was hot
This dude was staring like he knows who we are
We took the empty spot next to him at the bar
Darling said, "Yo, you know this kid?"
I said, "I didn't.", but I know he did
The kid said, "Get ready cause this ain't funny
My name's D. Moreland and I'm about to get money."
Pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the sky
He yelled, "Stick 'em up!", and let two fly
Hands went up and people hit the floor
He wasted Moose and Dead that ran for the door
"I'm Moreland. and I get respect
Your power and your titles is what I expect"
Darling was with it and he's my ace
So I grabbed Eric O’Mac and I punched him in the face
Cole's out, the music stopped
Tyson had beef, and Darling dropped him
Moreland grabbed the money, Darling snatched the gold
Magnusson grabbed two Shannons and a keg that's cold.

[mooseheadjack]

**SFJ#47 approaches L.D. Williams for an interview.**

SFJ#47: “L.D., this week you’ll have your third straight match against Outback Jack, and yet things don’t seem to be personal between you, despite the fact you are on opposite sides of the war.”

LD: “Why should it be personal? Jack and I have known each other a long time. We generally see eye to eye on most things. Besides, it’s kind of nice having a straight up fight.”

SFJ#47: “It might make for a good match, but the promos have been kind of, well, boring.”

LD: “Boring?”

SFJ#47: “Well, yeah. There should be some kind of anger or something.”

LD: “The man socializes with my mother- obviously he doesn’t scare easy. What am I supposed to do? Threaten to beat the hell out of him? He’ll belch something Australian for “Looking forward to it.” If I say I’ll make him tap, he’ll belch something Australian for “Good luck with that.””

SFJ#47: “Bo-Ring.”

LD: “Remind me to talk to Stank about his interviewing practices… Look, there’s one way to make thing personal with Outback Jack, but it’s on your head, understand? I don’t want this on my conscience.”

**Williams reaches off-camera and picks up a bottle of Foster’s. He holds it at shoulder height and lets go. There is a blur of motion and L.D. is knocked backwards as Outback Jack dives into the frame and catches the bottle just before it hits the floor. Jack gets up as Williams steps back into the frame with another bottle. They both open the bottles, tap them together, and drink. Jack belches.**

OBJ: “Australian for ‘Close one, mate.’”

**Jack walks away as L.D. turns back to SFJ#47.**

LD: “Well, I tried.”

[mooseheadjack]

(A shot start out on the Ultimo Inc. Training Facility. Then it cuts to the inside where we see Mr. Steel on his cell phone from a room high up watching the training that is going on down below.)

Steel: So it is all set, Ultimo Inc will make it official at Mayham the we are siding with you in the war. Now just remember your part of the deal.

Tytan and Blitz are starting to work well as a team. I brought in some guys to help them gel as a team and understand what it takes to be a successful team.

Who you ask?

Well, for starters I brought in the one and only Mike Rotunda. He knew what it was like to be part of a tag-team.

I know...I know....but wait there's more. I managed to get Michael Hayes out of rehab for a couple of hours and he is coming by to tell them aobut being a Freebird. I am going to no expense to show you how serious I am about this partnership then over the weekend I have brought in some of the best partners anyone would want. Tito Santana, and Bart Gunn.

(He looks at his phone.)

Hello.....hello....I think I lost you.

(fade to black.)

[mooseheadjack]

MEANWHILE~ Back at the Hall of Just DESTROYITARIUM...

Stank: Okay. So everyone knows what they're doing?

Davin Moreland: Yeah.

Bunny: Word!

Firewoman: Yes.

Alexander Darling: Hahahahahahahahahahaha.....

Outback Jack: You know, he hasn't stopped laughing for since you told him what you wanted, D.H..

D.H. Magnusson: Noticed that...it's gettin' kinda scary.

Spin Hansen: Nah. Just means he's got it.

AD: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Stank: Riiiight. Okay, people we got to do this right - we're only getting one shot at it.

FW: And what are YOU four going to doing while we enact this little plan of yours?

DHM: We got our part. You guys'll find out once it's goin' down. Just be sure to hightail it back here when you're done, huh?

AD: Hahahahahahahahaha!

SH: Okay, Maggs is right. That is getting freaky. Let's do this.

DM (closing his Sprint PCS phone): Already started.

DHM: Excellent.

Firewoman, Bunny, Darling, and Moreland leave the Destroyitarium, all headed in different directions.

Stank: You REALLY think we're going to pull this off?

OBJ: Maybe, maybe not...

SH: But either way, it's gonna be fun as hell.

DHM: Let's get to work.

----TWO HOURS LATER----

Attitude Adjuster: And it should be right down this alley.

Eric O'Mac: This doesn't seem right, AA.

AA: Are you kidding me? The man said it's about only book in this hellhole. And they take bets on ANYTHING!

EOM: I'm just saying...

AA: And massages! The special kind!

EOM: I'm just not sure about where you're getting all this.

AA: Think about it, who knows more about gambling than him? Besides me.

EOM: If you're sure.

AA: If I were a betting man...well, I AM a betting man, so - wait. Here it is.

AA and EOM pause in front of a large steel door, primp a small bit, and walk in.

Curt "The Golden God" Schilling (into his Sprint PCS phone): It's me, they just walked inside. Talk to you later.

Schilling closes his phone, looking at the front of the building AA and EOM just entered and chuckling.



AA: Wha? Hey!

EOM: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

--------

Moosehead Jack: I told you. We have everything under control. This war was won before the first shot was even fired.

The Dead: The Dead just wants a little reassurance that he'll be remembered for the key asset that he is.

MHJ: You will. Trust me. Now I have something to attend to. A private matter.

TD: The Dead understands.

The Dead leaves, as MHJ opens the door to his private locker room.

MHJ: I told Bennett he would be useful.

MHJ moves across the dark room, sitting down in his lone chair.

outside: Thunk! Thunk! Thunkthunk! Thunkthunkthunk!

MHJ: If I could find a moments silence in my asylum...

The sounds stop

MHJ: Excellent. I have message for my next victims.

MHJ reaches up, pulling the cord on the single bare bulb.



Overhead Speakers: When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena
they all want me, they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good i take you home with me
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena....

MHJ: What the hell?!?!?

MHJ bolts across the room, grabs the doorknob....

And the door refuses to budge

OS: Now don´t you worry ´bout my boy friend
the boy who´s name is Nicorino
I don´t want him, ´cause sent him
he was no good so I - hahaaaa
Now, come on, what was I supposed to do ?
He was outta town and his two friends were soooo fine

MHJ: Noooooo!!!!!!!

Outside, Alexander Darling rolls around on the floor, cackling madly while clutching a nailgun

--------

Elsewhere, in the hallways of the Arena office suites...

L.J. Bennett: Yes, yes, yes...Full shares, with options on future buyouts. Tell them...

LJB stops, suprised by the sight of Firewoman and Bunny walking down the hall from his office together.

FW: Hello, boss.

Bunny: Whattup, Dawg?

LJB: I must say, this is a suprise. Shouldn't the two of you be at each others throats?

Bunny: Naw, dawg. Me an' Shorty, we knew each other back in the day, yo.

FW: Shorty?

Mysterious Sound: POP! POP! Popopopopoooopopopopopopopopopopopopop! POP!

FW: Yes. We came into together. We were just discussing how to make our match the showstealer. Which we can do elsewhere.

Bunny: Yeahyeah! We out, big homie!

MS: Popopopopopopopoopopopopopopopopopopopoppopopopoopopop!

The unlikely duo quickly moves down the hall, leavng Bennett even more confused.

LJB: If I could understad a word that young man says, I'd...

MS: POPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOPOP!

LJB: And what is that sound?

Bennett opens the door to his office.










LJB doesn't even have have the chance to utter a word as the avalanche of popcorn buries him

Bunny: Yeah, we still a great team! For real!

FW: ...

FW: Heheheheheh.

30 minutes later, as everyone is returning to the DESTROYITARIUM, DHM, OBJ, and Spin hustle past the group, lugging a large covered object between them.

DHM: Lookit, this thing ain't light! Make a hole, wouldja?

Stank: You got it? Good. Sit it anywhere.

The trio lower the tarped object to the ground carefully

Stank: Everything else?

DM: Easy. And pretty damned funny.

Bunny: Word! Bennett got punk'd good, dawg!

FW: Well...it *was* pretty funny to watch.

AD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DM: So...You going to tell us what you got there?

OBJ: What we got is a celebration station, mate!

The Midnight Sons pull away the tarp



SH: The bar is OPEN!

The bartender quickly goes to work

FW: Looks nice. And expensive. Where'd you get it?

Stank: I know a guy.

--------

F. Fonsworth MacCappington: Lance, lock everything. I haven't clue of what's happening, but the Fortress of Snobbery will NOT be a victim! And then come over here make me a mart...



FFM: Lance?

Lance: Yes, sir?

FFM: You didn't send the bar out to be cleaned, did you?

Lance: No, sir.