OOWF MidWeek Mayhem 06-18-08

[mooseheadjack]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Phuket, Thailand

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. The Knife

OOWF Intercontinental Title Match[/u]
Donovan Viper vs. Alexander Darling

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
IHOP vs. The Midnight Sons

OOWF Onslaught Championship Inferno Match[/u]
Firewoman vs. The Dead

OOWF Campeonas de Trios Championship Match[/u]
Run DLP Classic vs. Worlds Greatest Fag Team & Attitude Adjuster

OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship Title Match[/u]
Moosehead Jack vs. Justin Sane

Eric O'Mac & Tyson Kincaid vs. Stank & Concrete TG
Poe vs. Davin Moreland
Chris Cole vs. Outback Jack
Amnesiac vs. Tytan
Gaelic Storm vs. TNA & WWE
Mark Vander & Bunny vs. Blitz & ZK DeBeers

Card subject to paranormal phenomenon

[mooseheadjack]

An OOWF.com Exclusive!~

Backstage at the Kuala Lumpur War Memorial Stadium, the Midnight Sons are LIVID~! D.H. Magnusson is swinging his logging chaining around wildly, terrifying and sending production workers running for cover. Spin Hansen paces the area, seemingly oblivious of his chain, or maybe just not caring. One brave soul, SFJ17 attempts to enter.

SH: Uhm....This might not be the best time, babe. We're not exactly -

Spin's words are cut off as the chain crashes into the camera, knocking it away from the Ninja cameraman and to the floor, the high pitched shriek of SFJ17 can be heard, followed by the sound of high heels clacking away, as well as a barely audible pair of padded feet.

DHM: Pick it up...Pick the GODDAMNED THING UP!

The camera lifts from the ground, finding the livid and bloodied face of DHM.

DHM: Is it on?

SH: It's on.

DHM: Good. BENNETT! You want a war? YOU WANT A WAR?!?!? You got a goddamned war! We're done playin'! We're done goofin' around! We're done with the laughin'! You got our attention...NOW IT'S TIME WE GOT YOURS!

DHM takes a few deep breathes, looking visibly shaken

SH: You wanna do this later, bro? We can...

DHM (Suddenly much calmer): The thing is, you don't nothin' about war. In your world, warfare is something that's waged in a boardroom, or on a conference call. War to you is fought with numbers, and with spreadsheets and leveraged buyouts and threats of paper punishment...War to you is carefully calculated plans and backroom meetin's - War to you is somethin' that gets your hands dirty with some ink smeared offa a ledger...

DHM: You're a goddamned fool.

DHM: Ain't no such thing as "rules of engagement" in the real world. You want a war, but you don't know a damn thing about fightin' one. Ask Moosehead Jack about fightin' wars. Ask L.D. Williams about fightin' wars. Ask them all your boys, and then try to keep your $500 lunch from comin' back up and ruinin' your $5000 suit when they tell you about it. Because that's what you wanted...And that's what you're gettin'. War.

DHM: And ain't nobody keepin' they're hands clean it. Thing 'bout war...everyone becomes a target.

DHM: Everyone....Even the guys in th' fancy suits.

The camera slowly rotates, showing Spin's face at arms length

SH: Doesn't matter when...doesn't matter where... In the ring, in the back, on the planes, trains, or automoblies...when you're walking to your car, when you're getting ready for bed...If you get that feeling you're being watched - you get that feeling where those little hairs on the back of your neck stand up...TURN AROUND REAL FAST!

Spin chuckles softly

SH: Because that feeling? It might be us. Us, coming for you.

Spin's face spreads into malicious smile

SH: And there ain't a damned thing you can do about that.

The camera drops, going black as it hits the floor

[mooseheadjack]

[DeBeers is in his locker room with WWE and TNA]

ZK: That was disgusting men. You are soldiers! You are an army! You are an air force! You might even be a South African Swat Team!......nah.

Wu Wu: We tried boss.

ZK: That won't do. You are the top tag team money can buy. There's no reason you guys should ever be losing. I didn't know I bought French Samoans. DO THEY EVEN EXIST? No, you guys are a fantastic tag team breed. Black and Samoan. Starting today, its back to basic training. You guys are the best...we're just going to have to prepare a bit better...be back here tomorrow for Phase 1.

TNA: Shit...

[DeBeers leaves the room. As he walks down the hall, he sees Blitz scheming on how to be booed more. ZK gives him a bit of a wink]

Blitz: What the fuck was that?

[He turns to the screen to see next week's lineup]

Blitz: Shit...

[mooseheadjack]

In a darkened room, Poe is sitting in a Lotus position, with Selena in his lap. A ring of candles surround them. Poe looks up, the bloody towel over his head nearly covering his face.

Poe: “Davin Moreland, I warned you. I warned you that I would make an example out of your friend Carl. It was so nice of you to come to his defense. I could have been much, much worse.”

“Now it looks like it will be you and me. It is time to deal with you so that I may move on to why I came here in the first place. You have been a most unpleasant…distraction.”

SG: “Make him bleed.”

Poe: I will my goddess, don’t you worry. But as I mentioned a few weeks ago, Thailand is no place for little girls. I’m taking you to our vacation home.”

SG: “I don’t wanna go!!!” *whines*

Poe: “You’ll love Hawaii. My dear friend Charo will take good care of you.”

SG: “I can’t understand a word she says. If she says ‘hoochie-coochy’ to me I’m gonna choke her to death.”

Poe: “So as I was saying, Davin, after next week, I will be rid of your presence in my world and I can move on to you, Boy. Alexander, did you think I was too distracted to worry about you? You are never safe so long as I take a breath on this Earth Boy.”

SG: "You’re gonna bring HER aren’t you?"

Poe looks down at Selena and appears to smile.

Poe: “Yes, Phuket is more of her kind of scene.”

SG: "You’re gonna do all the naughty things in Thailand aren’t you?”

Poe: “No, Phuket has a tendency to cause bad things to people who partake in her pleasures. I have no interest in dying from the Clap. Some of the other OOWF wrestlers I’m sure will partake in the sins of the night in Phuket…and to them I wish them the best of luck.”

“So, Davin…try not to end up peeing fire. Until we meet in the ring…Namasdeh.”

Selena lowers her head and pouts.

SG: "Nevermore…"

[mooseheadjack]

<The OOWF Wrestlers are assembled outside the arena ready for the bus ride to Phuket, Thailand. There is a lot of sniping between the two sides, until an OOWF Official comes out and quiets them>

OOWFO: Due to the recent......hostilities between the two sides, management felt it would be better to split the two sides up for this bus ride to Phuket. Therefore, the men who support Rick will ride one bus, and those who support Bennett, and the Undecideds, will ride the other bus

<Firewoman looks as a bus pulls up>



FW: THAT is out bus? You have got to be out of your mind! Surely you could do better than that!

OOWFO: Actually, no, that is just a local tour bus. They stop here to get pictures of the arena. Everyone smile and wave! Your bus should be here momentarily

<just then, we hear a bus struggling to make it down the street, backfiring and sputtering, amid a cloud of exhaust and smoke, Team Rick's bus arrives>



FW: OH YOU HAVE GOT TO FUCKING BE KIDDING ME!

AD: I am not riding on that

OOWFO: We thought there might be some resistance, so management wants it to be known that anyone refusing to use the transportation provided to them will be sent home for the remainder of the tour without pay.

<Rick's men grumble, but slowly start moving toward the bus with their gear. Across the parking lot, Bennett's men are laughing hysterically>

AD: What the fuck are you guys laughing at? If this is the best they could get for us, what makes you think you are getting anything better?

<Just then the Bennett Bus pulls into the parking lot>



EOM: Yeah, this is gonna suck! HA!

Dead: Hey Fire, see you in Phuket.......if you make it!

<Bennett's men file onto the bus while the porters stow their gear. Within a matter of minutes the Bennett bus is gliding out of the parking lot, leaving Rick's men to choke on the exhaust fumes>

[mooseheadjack]

The various members of the OOWF are beign loaded onto busses for the trip to Phukat Malaysia. Wisely, OOWF management has placed Team Rick on one bus, and Team Bennett on another, with the undecideds on a third. Additionally busses are standing by for crew and staff, with a couple of semis for the equipment and ring stuff.

LonelyGirl15 is standing there, waiting for something to do. Firewoman is more than happy to oblige after her gear has been loaded.

FW: Hey…I need you to do something for me.

LG15: Who…me?

FW: Do I stutter? Look, I’m nice to you because Alexander asked me to be, so don’t give me a reason.

LG15: What do you need? And doesn’t Lucky take care of—

FW: Lucky is on special assignment for me right now. I have a list of stuff I’ll need to have at the arena by the time we get to Thailand. Here.

LG15: Candles…. uh, I’m not sure this is allowed.

FW: Alexander used up all my special candles, so I need more. As for the rest, if I’m to prepare properly for my match, it is. Already cleared with Rick, there’s his signature on the bottom.

LG15: Oh…Okay….um,…cigarettes….Alexander won’t—

FW: Already okayed by Davin…there’s HIS signature.

LG15: Wow…really crossed the Ts and dotted the Is. Okay, …. Yes, I can do this.

FW: Great…now, I have two other things to say, got yer NinjaCam ready?

LG15: Always….

FW: Okay good. First off…Spin, I would be honored to compete in a drinking contest with you. I’ll let you know who my second is, but one won’t be necessary. And I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how long I can hang with you. I may even beat you.

LG15: [Now in mic-stand mode] And what about Bennett’s announcement at the end of your match last night, that your match in Thailand with the Dead will be an Inferno match? You looked…angry.

FW: Well, I was. I had just beaten Dead for the sixth or seventh time, and he announces yet another match for him and me? How many more times do I have to beat him? But, and this going straight to you, Bennett. [she practically spits the name out.]. Thank you! You don’t know what kind of hell on earth you’ve just unleashed upon your minion, the Dead. I almost feel sorry for him. At least he’ll be in the ring. I wonder if you’d be brave enough to come down?

LG15: [Wanting to change the subject before one of Bennett’s men overhears] You ran down to help Carl From Fresno during his match with Poe, and you’ve mentioned before that Alexander’s issues with Poe are quickly spreading to anyone Alexander is connected with. Are you at all concerned—

FW: I’d rather focus on the match ahead of me. Poe is none of my business. Let’s go.

With that, Firewoman and Lonelygirl15 join the rest of the Team Rick faction and general hangers-on for the trip to Phukat

[mooseheadjack]

Tyson Kincaid and Eric O'Mac stand side-by-side as they file into the interior of the bus.

TK: You know, I'm still not impressed. They could have done better for us.

EOM: Why don't you go drive your Aston Martin?

TK: Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Fade.

[mooseheadjack]

<As Bennett's bus leaves, Stank pulls out his cell and dials a number.>

Stank - Yo... have you seen the shit they got us riding in!.... NO!... NO! ... Got dammit RICK!... NO, this THIS is the kind of SHIT that makes me not want to fight for you!... After what happened with the SONS and THIS shit!... HELL NO!... What kind of power DO you hold?... Uh-huh... uh huh... Uh Huh... ... Man I... SO?... YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!... I'm PISSED!... Alright, look... no I'm sorry... ... Yeah?... ... Ok... yeah he's standing right here...

Davin, Rick wants to talk to you.

<Stank hands Davin Moreland the phone. Davin takes it as Crete walks up to where Stank is seated.>

CTG - Well? What did he say?

Stank - He's working on it. Fuck Bennett I ain't riding in this thing.

CTG - But you'll be sent home.

Stank - Let him try to send me home! This is bullshit! You know it. All of us sitting here know it!

<Nods of agreement from the soldiers in Rick's army.>

CTG - Stank, don't do anything rash. I don't want to have to fight O'Mac and Kincaid on my own.

Stank - Fucking Bennett!

<Spin and DHM walk on board, and over to where Stank and Crete are.>

Stank - Where the fuck were you two?

Spin - We heard a little noise coming from Bennett's bus.

DHM - So we thought we might help and investigate.

Spin - No worries boss. Everything checked out A-OK.

DHM - Yeah, but they almost left a bag sitting by the curb.

Spin - Fortunately we were able to throw it in the luggage compartment before they left.

<The Midnight Sons tap fists with shit eating grins planted on their mugs, as the camera fades.>

[mooseheadjack]

*Fade onto the palatial IHOP Championship Bus, which IHOP got permission from LJ Bennett to charter just after their big win at OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, live from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, last night. SYB and Skurge, your new OOWF World Tag Team Champions are drunk. Very very drunk. They’ve been celebrating since OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, Live from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, ended last night. And while they should have arrived at the arena in Phuket, Thailand, hours ago, they instructed their IHOP Championship Bus driver to “just keep driving, eh?” so that the party could continue. We catch up with the new OOWF World Tag Team Champions as the IHOP Championship Bus pulls into a 7-11 to get more beer…

Skurge: Hey! IHOP Championship Bus driver! Why are we stopped? I told you to keep driving, eh?
ICBD: True, Mr. Skurge, you did tell me to do that. You also told me to stop because you’re out of beer. You also told me to moon cars as we drive past them. Frankly, at this point, I’m obeying instructions as I see fit.
Skurge: Fair enough, I suppose. Hey, would you mind running into the store for me? I don’t think they’ll serve me. I’m pretty shitfaced. Here’s some cash. Get three more…no, wait, make that five more cases, just to be safe.
SYB: Good call. I think I’m ready for another.
Skurge: And if there’s some change and you want to get yourself a popsicle or something, go ahead.
ICBD: Gee. Thanks.

*As the IHOP Championship Bus Driver steps off of the bus to go into the 7-11, the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth steps onto the bus. Skurge and SYB haven’t seen her since OOWF MidWeek Mayhem, Live from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, ended last night…

Skurge: Hey, Dorothy! Glad you could make it. How’d you know where to find us?
DM: It wasn’t too hard – the bus driver’s been mooning cars for miles, so there were lots of people to point me in the right direction. What the hell are you guys listening to?
SYB: Are you kidding? This song plays after every championship win on the face of the Earth. You’re telling me you’ve never heard Queen?
DM: Uh, I think you might want to hit “FF” there, Solly. You’ve got the wrong song.
SYB (*hitting FF*): Oh. That’s better. Skurge, why didn’t you tell me I had the wrong song going?
Skurge: Well, for the first few hours, I just wanted to see if you’d pick up on it yourself, eh? When you didn’t, I just got curious aboot how many times in a row you could listen to one song. Turns oot the answer is a lot.
DM: Anyway, I’m just glad to see that you guys haven’t drank yourselves to death. How much have you had?
Skurge: Well, I wasn’t counting, but we’ve been through two cases, so I guess I’ve had…let’s see…carry the 4…divide by pi…47.
DM: So Solly’s had one?
SYB: Hey! This is Malaysian beer. It’s really, uh, potent. And stuff.
Skurge: He had most of one. When he passed oot for a while, I finished it so it wouldn’t get warm. I’ve had him on water for a few hours now.
DM: I see. Well guys, congrats again on the big win last night. I’m completely wiped out. What do you say we all try to get some shut-eye and we’ll start training for Mayhem later on?
Skurge: Why are you wiped out? Hey, where have you been all night anyway? Last time we saw you, you were heading toward Bennett’s off– No way, eh?
DM *blushes*
SYB: What? “No way” what? What’d I miss?
Skurge: It seems our Ms. Mantooth is just getting in from her date with Bennett. Well, Dorothy, I hope you “thanked” him for his help last night.
DM: I–

*Just then, the IHOP Championship Bus driver returns with the beer, interrupting the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth, and allowing her to slip away to the front of the IHOP Championship Bus for some rest. He shoves a popsicle in his mouth as he heads back to the driver’s seat…

SYB: Damn. I wanted details. Oh well, we can find out more later. Pass me a beer, championship partner.
Skurge: Sure thing, championship partner, but take this one slow, eh? We don’t want you to still be drunk when Mayhem rolls aro– Fuck.
SYB: What? Fuck what now?
Skurge: The drinking contest. Spin Hansen’s drinking contest. He’s invited all of the second-tier drinkers in the OOWF to compete – and you. I know he doesn’t want me in there because I’d mop the floor with them. And it’s unfair because they get to practice together because they’re all part of Rick’s Army.
SYB: They’re WHAT?
Skurge: All part of Rick’s Army. It’s four of them against you. They’ll drink you under the table in no time.
SYB: Are you fucking kidding me? Even I’m not that drunk!
Skurge: What?
SYB: This is going to be a four-on-one beatdown. Wait – with the seconds involved – fuck. I’m screwed. This is going to wind up being eight-on-one. They’ll find a way to make sure my second – you – can’t make it to the ring on time.
Skurge: I still don’t get what you’re talking aboot. It’s just a drinking contest, eh? As long as we can figure oot a way to get me in there instead of you, it’s all good.
SYB: There is no drinking contest. There never was a drinking contest. This is a ploy to gang up on me before our championship match next week. Then when I can’t compete in the drinking contest, you’ll have to, and they’ll all attack you. How are you not seeing this?
Skurge: Hey, I’m Canadian. We’re very trusting, eh? Also, this involves beer. No self-respecting human being would use beer to set a trap. It’s just downright unethical.
SYB: Well then, Hansen is unethical, because that’s exactly what he’s doing. Fuck. Forget talking to Dorothy about her first date with Bennett. We need her to go on a second one and fix this. At the very least, make it a lumberjack drinking contest or something.
Skurge: I know some lumberjacks. Those guys can drink!
SYB: *sigh* Not that kind of lumberjack, you Canucklehead. Just have another beer. We’ve got some time to work this out.
Skurge: Oot.
SYB: Whatever.

*FADE*

[mooseheadjack]

Some time before the IHOP promo...

DV: Holy what the fuck! Will someone please change the station or take the song of repeat?

FFM3: I don't seem to mind.

DV: That's because you've got headphones on.

FFM3: It's not my fault you lost your iPod.

DV: Fuckin' pickpockets, I swear...

Viper walks to the front of the bus to LJ Bennett.

DV: Bennett, why did you give control of the radio over to two those two doofs who aren't a part of the Bennett Army?

LJB: Well, they did get the belts off the Sons. I figured why not.

DV: They've been playing the same damn song over and over again. It's been two hours straight of Radio Fucking Ga ga!

LJB: I don't seem to mind. It's a catchy tune.

DV: TWO FUCKING HOURS! It's a 5 minute song! It's already longer than the whole album!

LJB: Listen, just because you lost your iPod doesn't mean you should take it out on those two young men, ok? They're on a new championship high.

DV: Moose, will you talk some sense into him?

MHJ: Mmm? What, what's going on?

DV: Don't tell me you haven't noticed it either!

MHJ: I've been asleep this whole time...

DV: Oh. Well that explains... yeesh. You might want to look in the mirror, boss.

MHJ: Huh? (Moosehead looks at his reflection on the window.) What the hell?!?!? ALAN! ATTITUDE ADJUSTER! I KNOW IT WAS YOU YOU GODDAMN PRANKSTER!!!

AA: Wasn't me, man! I've been practicing air guitar to this song! I think I got my routine just perfect. Whoever decided to put it on repeat was a GENIUS!

DV: Can I go kill him?

MHJ: Go for it.

[mooseheadjack]

[DeBeers and his people are riding the bus to the next location]

ZK: Phuket? Sounds dirty and yellow. Let me call my assistant in Capetown and see what kind of extra accommadations we deserve there.

[ZK takes out his cell phone and makes a call to Pootu. Waiting for the ring, all of a sudden ZK's ears are flooded with the sounds of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"]

ZK: Hello? Hello? Pootu, you there? HELLOOOO? [song continues] Effrom...what's going on?

[Hands Effrom the phone]

Effrom: Pootu, stop the music! Hello?

Pootu: Hel...[Gets hung up on]

Effrom: I don't know what just happened, call him again.

[ZK attempts to call again, but gets the damn song again]

ZK: What the hell is this? Pootu!?!? Pootu!?!?!

[Pootu finally answers]

Pootu: Hello?

ZK: Pootu, what the hell was that?

Pootu: What?

ZK: The song?

Pootu: HAHAHAHAH, that's so funny boss. You just got RickRolled~! HAHAHAHAHA. You're such a dumbass!

ZK: ....... [Hangs up phone. He then dials another number]

Zimbabwe: DeBeers Protection Agency, Zimbabwe speaking.

ZK: I need you to do something...

[Camera zooms out and doesn't hear the rest of the conversation, but somehow, OOWF tv has a remote in the office of Pootu in Capetown.]

Pootu: HAHAHAHAH, I sooooo got ZK and the guys. They're so dumb. HAHAHAHAHA.

[Zimbabwe enters]

Pootu: Zimbabwe...um...what are you doing here?

[Zimbabwe smiles a bit then goes into a laugh. Everyone around starts to laugh as well. He turns to the door, but instead of leaving, he throws a machette at Pootu and kills him. He gets back on his phone]

Zimbabwe: Jobs done sir. I'll get the next assistant ready.

ZK: Thank you, and make sure you get me extra pillows.

Zimbabwe: Sure thang boss.

[fade out]

[mooseheadjack]

<Two hours later.>

RH - Are you just going to sit there and pout?

AA - He didn't have to hit me, Ryan.

DV - SOMEBODY had to hit you.

FFM - You know we all could have ridden in the mobile fortress... it's mobile.

DV - You should have said something earlier.

RH - Way to go, dumbass.

MHJ - Will you boys shut the hell up back there? I'm TRYING to sleep!

FFM - Sure thing boss!... Asshole.

MHJ - What was that?

FFM - I called you an ASSHOLE!

<Moose starts to sit up. LJ Bennett grabs his arm.>

LJB - Gentlemen please! It won't be much longer. Just another hour. Can we have some decorum until then?

EOM - *sniff* *sniff* Stank didn't ride with us, did he?

MHJ - What the hell are you talking about?

LDW - *sniff* I smell it too.

MHJ - *Sniff* Jesus!

<The bus starts to slow, as smoke emanates from underneath. The bus pulls over to the side of the road and smoke starts to fill up inside. Everyone files out, coughing and gagging. The bus driver looks and sees that the smoke is coming from the luggage compartment. He lifts the door as a second, military grade stink bomb goes off!>

*Boom!*

Bus Driver - GAK!

<The putrid smell and smoke envelopes the bus and rises into the air. Just then, and old rickety bus containing Rick's army sputters past, a black cloud of exhaust adding to the already polluted air. Rick's army laughs and waves at Bennett and his men. Spin and Mags flip them the bird as they roll past, down the road, around a bend, and out of sight.>

LJB - I WILL HAVE THEIR HEADS!

[mooseheadjack]

**NOTE: This promo takes place before Moose's**


(The Amnesiac and Monkh sit quietly at the back of the bus, not getting involved in all the ruckus around them (could you describe the ruckus, sir?). The Amnesiac has a bottle of rum in one hand, and a bottle of soda in the other. Monkh is wearing a t-shirt that just says "Er". The Amnesiac wears a t-shirt that says "Wise". After a few moments of staring at the bottle of rum, he takes a long swig, coughing very audibly, spitting out nearly half the rum he drank.)

Amn: Jesus, I don't think I can do this!

Monkh: C'mon boss... I know you can. Remember, I'm only 18, and I can outdrink you. How embarassing is that?

Amn: Well yeah, but the legal drinking age in Mongolia is 18. You got a headstart.

Monkh: Alright, well do this. You've got the bottle of soda. Take a swig of rum, and then chase it with soda.

(The Amnesiac tries this, and actually succeeds. Just then, Concrete TG walks up, in his usual costume, but he's wearing a t-shirt on the outside of it that says "Bud". The Amnesiac looks up and notices him.)

Amn: CRETE!

CTG: Citizen Amnesiac. Citizen Monkh. I see that you are in preparation for Spin Hansen's challenge?

Amn: I am. How d'ya like that shirt I lent you?

CTG: It seems to fit well, but it's not necessarily my style. But for my friend, I will wear it.

Amn: Excellent! Care for a drink?

(The Amnesiac holds up the bottle. CTG shakes his head.)

CTG: No, thank you. I just wanted to see if you needed any help in your match with Tytan next week.

(The Amnesiac takes another slug of rum, another chaser. His speech is getting audibly slurred.)

Amn: Oh hell no. I can take that Ivan Drago-looking motherfucker apart with my bare hands.

(CTG looks a little concerned. He nods and then turns to walk away. The Amnesiac looks out the window of the bus and turns a lighter shade of pale. He puts down the bottle of rum.)

Monkh: What is it?

Amn: I think I need to stop drinking. I could have sworn I just saw the Batmobile speed past us.

(Monkh gets up to look. He looks forward, and smiles.)

Monkh: You're not drunk. That WAS the Batmobile.

Amn: Alright then. Party on, Monkh!

Monkh: Party on, Wayne?

(The Amnesiac takes another drink of rum, this time with no chaser, as the camera fades to black.)

[mooseheadjack]

<As the bus rolls past and Bennett's men glare at them, Eric speaks up>

EOM: I got this covered

<EOM pulls his phone out and after a quick search dials a number>

.......yes, I have an anonymous tip.......yes.......yes......A LOT of it.......yes.......ok its a rusted Lone Star Bus traveling down Route 42.......yeah, you can't miss it........bellowing smoke.......right......a whole lot........thank you officer

<Eric flips the phone shut>

EOM: That should take care of that

<Eric dials another number and we hear a brief conversation>

EOM: Yeah......its me....I need a new phone.......yeah new service the whole nine......just send it to the arena in Phuket......yeah thanks

<once more he flips it shut, then turns to Tyson Kincaid>

EOM: Lemme borrow your phone

<Tyson hands his phone over to Eric and Eric dials a number>

EOM: Hello? Verizon? Yeah I would like to report my phone stolen.........where? I dunno, somewhere in Southeast Asia........at least two days ago........yeah please......someone will be there to get a new phone shortly, he is authorized.......thank you......you too

<Eric flips the phone shut and hands it back to Kincaid, then snaps his phone in half and throws it into the bushes>

EOM: There

<we cut to the rusty Lone Star bus clattering down the road, when suddenly it is surrounded by a dozen Malaysian Police cars and forced off the road. They hop out of their cars with guns drawn>

Malaysian Police Officer: OK EVERYONE OUT OF THE BUS!! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND LIE FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!!

<the bus slowly empties and the members of Rick's Army lie face down on the ground. The police officers tear the bus apart, digging through luggage, scattering things everywhere, finally one officer comes up to the chief>

MPO: We didn't find anything on the bus

Chief: This can mean only one thing.........full cavity search

<just then Bennett's bus rolls by, still reeking from the stink bomb, but with the windows wide open, Bennett's crew points and laughs as the Malaysian police escort the first victim to a makeshift tent for the body search>

[mooseheadjack]

DV: STOP THE BUS!!!

LJB: WHY?

DV: BECAUSE I WANT TO WATCH!

LBJ: YOU WANT TO WHAT?

DV: WATCH!

FFM3: WATCH WHAT? THE CAVITY SEARCH?

DV: ABSOLUTELY!

EOM: SAY WHAT?

TD: THE DEAD THOUGHT YOU WERE NOT A HOMO.

DV: I AM NOT A HOMO!!! IF THEY'RE GIVING A CAVITY SEARCH TO THE ENTIRE BUS, THAT MEANS THEY'RE DOING THAT TO ALEXIS DARLING!

RH: HEY! I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT!

LAUREN: ME TOO!

AA: ME THREE!

SYB: WHY IS EVERYBODY YELLING?

DV: BECAUSE YOUR MUSIC IS ON TOO DAMN LOUD, ASSHOLE!

SYB: IT'S VICTORY MUSIC!

DV: WE'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THE SAME GODDAMN SONG FOR THE LAST 3 HOURS!!!!

Skurge: IT'S VICTORY MUSIC, EH!

DV: EH?

Sk: EH!

MHJ: WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP?

DV: SO WE'RE NOT STOPPING?!?!?

LJB: NO!

DV: CAVITY SEARCH! ALEXIS DARLING! HANDS REACHING IN HER BUTTHOLE!!!!

LJB: NO! WE KEEP GOING!

DV: fags....

[mooseheadjack]

<Carl from Fresno walks out of the tent, rubbing his ass, with a clearly disturbed look on his face.>

Chief - Ok big boy... you next!

Stank - I don't fucking think so.

<The police chief pulls out a 9mm)

Stank - You better use it before I take that gun and shove it up your ass!

Chief - You think I-

<The chief's words are cut off as he is interrupted by one of his men, with an apparent phone call for him. The chief grabs the phone and starts speaking in Thai. The officer motions to the screen and the chief presses a button. Moments pass then the chief angrily hands the phone back to the officer, who walks over to Crete.>

Chief - You are all free to go.

DM - Just like that?

Chief - We apologize for the misunderstanding. Have a safe trip.

Alex - No. This is fucking outrageous!

DHM - Let it go Alex.

Alexis - It's ok brother. No harm, no foul.

DM - Tell THAT to CARL!

Stank - What happened?

<Crete walks over to the group and stands next to Davin.>

CTG - That guy asked me for my autograph. He's a fan. He showed the chief, video from OOWF TV. Eric sent in the false call.

DM - Thank God for Ninja Cameramen.

CFF - You THINK he could have SHOWN that video SOONER!!??

<The bus driver walks over.>

BD - I can't get the bus started.

Stank - Fucking wonderful.

OBJ - Just brilliant.

<A Thai officer runs from around the side of the bus.>

TO - I FOUND SOMETHING!

DM - You found what?

<The officer presents a large storage bag full of weed.>

Stank - Whose fucking bag of weed is that?

<Wally B. King slinks away quietly.>

[mooseheadjack]

(As the cavity searches commence, suddenly, the Batmobile pulls up from the other direction. Batman pops out of the car, and walks over to the man in charge.)

Man In Charge: Holy shit. Aren't you Batman?

Batman: Wait, you speak English?

MIC: Yes.

BM: Well that'll make this much easier.

MIC: What's that?

BM: Explaining to you that your police force has been the subject of a childish prank.

MIC: How so?

BM: Did you see that bus that went by about 5 minutes ago?

MIC: Yes.

BM: Well, one of the people on it called in this anonymous tip on this bus being full of drugs.

MIC: That was the report I got about 20 minutes ago, yes. But how do you know?

BM: I happed to watch OOWF TV, so I saw the entire thing going down.

MIC: TV? In the middle of nowhere?

BM: I've got a satellite link up to the Batmobile. I've been watching things closely for the last hour or so, and that man over there...

(Batman indicates The Amnesiac, who is currently being led into the cavity search tent.)

BM: ...is a friend of mine. Can you call off your men, please?

MIC: For you, Batman? Anything. Thanks for stopping. I'd hate to have wasted our time out here for nothing.

BM: Just doing my job. See ya.

(Batman turns to walk away. He gives a brief wave to The Amnesiac, who sighs audibly in relief. He hops into the Batmobile and speeds away.)

EDIT: (As the Batmobile takes off, so does Bunny. He has no idea that they're about to end the cavity searches, so he takes off running. Several police officers chase him down and tackle him to the ground. They assume that since Bunny ran, everyone here is still guilty, so the cavity searches resume.)

[mooseheadjack]

With the discover of the weed and Bunny’s break for freedom, things have changed considerably. As the Malaysia police begin, Firewoman decides that this is not happening.

FW: Okay, so on three....who's with me?

AD: Totally.

LD: Always.

Phantos: Well but what if...

FW: Trust me guys, you do NOT want to be part of a roadside Malaysian body search.

Lucios: Wait...what do you know of this?

FW: You guys really are innocent aren't you? Look, I've not always been the fine upstanding citizen you see before you, okay?

AD: Oh, please…

FW: Just trust me on this. On three....

Crete: Bennett will pay for this outrage--

FW: Oh Christ, drop your signature lines LATER....

A somewhat confused and bewildered Bunny comes stumbling out of the tent. The Malaysian authorities were apparently confused by his rabbit outfit, and thus unable to find any cavities to actually search, not that they didn't try. Firewoman counts to three, and the members of Team Rick JUMP~! and resist any kind of escorting back to the makeshift tent. The scuffle continues until back ups are called in the form of more officers, this time armed with automatic weaponry. Team Rick is loaded in the back of Malaysia police wagons and taken to jail. Davin gets the one phone call for the group and calls Rick, who calls the board of directors, and then reports back to the group, which is being held in a singe unisex cell in a Malaysian jail.

FW: Well, it's nicer than I remember.

AD: Shut up. I'm not talking to you anymore.

FW: At least you didn't get--

DM: Okay, well Rick and the board of directors will have us out of here. He’s livid.

Amn: Great...when are we out of here?

DM: Well, that's the bad news. Things work differently in Malaysia, so by the time the appropriate officials are bribed it'll be .... tomorrow.

A collective WHAT!?! is raised from everyone.

DHM: Good job Firewoman.

FW: Hey, you want your ass probed? I'm sure we can arrange it.

DHM: What's to say this won't happen anyway?

DM: Calm down. The chief or sheriff, or whatever you call him here, has agreed that since justice in the form of American dollars is on it’s way, there will be no searches....[Bunny whimpers in a corner]...er, uh...no MORE searches.

There is a collective sigh of relief as the group settles down as best they can for what they can only hope is a very short night.

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - They might as well keep me in here because when I get out... someone is getting murdered.

<An officer walks up.>

O - You guys have a visitor.

<Wally B. King walks over to the cell. Everyone looks up in surprise.>

Stank - How the fuck..?

WBK - Uh... I was off peeing in the bushes when I saw all the commotion. I figured I could help you guys better if I pretended not to be with you.

OBJ - Hey! Call what's his name. He can get us out.

WBK - You mean the King?

Alex - King?

WBK - The King of Thailand, Bhumibol Adulyadej. He does owe me after that party last year...

Amn - Who?

WBK - Bhumibol Adulyadej

Stank - Whatsit now?

WBK - BHUMIBOL ADULYADEJ! What's WRONG with you people?

OBJ - Never mind that! Call the man! Get us the hell outta here!

<WBK walks off, calling in favors.>

OBJ - I know Rick's working on it but I don't do so well behind bars. The sooner we're out of here the better. AND if ANYONE can make this happen sooner, it's Wally!

Stank - That was his bag of weed, wasn't it.

OBJ - Yes.

Stank - Like I said... murder.

[mooseheadjack]

*In "The Cell". Phantos and Spirios are doing a duet of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot". Lucios is constantly repeating "What would Ricky Steamboat Do"? Firewoman, DH Magnusson and Davin Moreland are in the corner, smoking cigarettes*

DM: Well, thank Christ they didn't take these.

DHM: You ain't kidding.

FW: I would be killing people. Literally.

*The three take long drags off their respective cancer sticks*

FW: You know, you're probably the worst Assistant GM in the history of recorded time.

DM: Nice. At least I'm not pushing Rick's wheelchair. Besides, it got you out of a pretty damned hefty fine.

FW: Did we ever really establish that?

DM: No. But come on.

DHM: Lay off him, Fire. None of this is his fault.

FW: I know. It's just...WE'RE IN FUCKING JAIL.

*Alexander Darling, from across the room pipes in*

AD: No shit? You don't say..

FW: I'll kill you. Don't think I won't.

Stank: Hey, if anyone's killing anything around here it's me.

FW: Who died and left you in charge.

Stank: Jericho.

FW: That's IT!

*Fire lunges at Stank but is cut off by Davin*

DM: I'VE HAD IT. THAT'S E-FUCKING-NOUGH! We are HERE because we've let Bennett PUT us here. Match after match, week after week we're getting the living shit beat out of us because we're all still seperate. Don't you understand this is a fucking war? This is ok with you? All your pride and dignity shit one every week by these fools? Sitting and rotting in a Malaysian Jail? Having hands shoved up your ass?

*Bunny looks up at Davin but still remains silent and rocking back and forth in the corner*

DM: Enough is enough. I've had it. You're either gonna do something about it, or you're gonna lay down like the Mets in September.

AD: HEY!

DM: Fuck off. I'm tired of playing by rules, and I'm tired of us all working independently. If we're going to fix this, we HAVE to work together. I mean, hell, if I can work with Alexander Darling, I can work with anyone. There are no goddamned excuses. Not anymore. You're on this side, or your not.

S: Ok, but what the fuck Davin? Who made you captain here?

*Phantos stops singing for a second*

P: I'm the captain. There's a lot you don't know about me.

DM: No one. I'm just talking here, because almost no one else has the balls...

*Fire stares daggers into Davin*

DM: Yes Fire, you too, no one else has the balls to say or do anything. Everyone is so goddamned busy looking out for themselves, they've lost sight of the bigger picture. Stank, I'll give you credit for digging up everything you have on Bennett. But outside of that, what the fuck do you have to say for yourselves? What are YOU going to do to change this? Are you going to stand up for yourself? Are you going to stand with the people in this cell? Or are you just gonna bide your time and pray someone gives you a shot at a title?

S: In this business, if you want breaks, you have to make them for yourself. Nothing's going to be handed to you. So we all have a decision to make. Are we going to stand together? Or are we just going to accept the status quo. I've got enough on Benett to get him out for good, but it does no good unless there are consequences, and people to back me up. NONE of us can do it alone. What will you do?

DM: Because honestly, if this is how things are going to be, I may as well join with Bennett so I can still have a career. I'm tired of being a punching bag. I DONT have a problem fighting, if there's a reason to fight. What will you do? Will you stand with us? Will you stand up for yourselves? Ow...dammit

*Davin tosses his cigarette butt on the ground, after it burned his finger*

DM: Whatever. I've said my piece. You've got a choice to make *he fires up another heater*, and you have to MAKE it; it won't be made for you. If you're ok with being walked on all the time; more power to you. As for me? That's not an option.

*fade*

[mooseheadjack]

(A shot of Tytan who is sitting alone after the bus ride.)

Tytan: Amenesiac you now have seen what I am capable of. Look at the beatdowns that took play at Mayham, we have a week and you think I am done with you. It is only the begining, I have a job and that is to hurt you and make you crawl out of the ring. It will be fun, this new attitude you have...it's a joke. I know deep down you are scared to get into the ring with me. Look at what I did to Knife. That can easily be you. So train hard and do what the looney tunes told you because you will need it when you get in the ring with Tytan.

(Fade to Black.)

[mooseheadjack]

(Spin Hansen is throwing massive punches at the wall of The Cell...)

SH: Murder.

CTG: Citizen Spin, murder isn't the answer here. You should know. You were a superhero once.

SH: Murder. (He throws a few more punches, then bashes his head against the wall.)

Stank: Come on, Spin. You've been through worse.

SH: MURDER.

D.H. Magnusson: Snap out of it, man. You're startin' to worry me.

SH: MURRRRRRRRDERRRRR! (He punches a hole through the back wall of the cell, leading to the outside world...

Carl from Fresno: Legal or not, they had their HANDS in my ASS! MURDER, SPIN! MURDER!

(Spin continues bashing at the wall in a mad rage...)

[mooseheadjack]

White backdrop. Viper looking intensely into the camera...

DV: Alexander Darling. How many times has it been? 4? 5 times that you've faced me? Every single time you succumb to defeat. Yet, here you are again, with another title shot this week. I don't know why the booking committee keeps having you face me. I guess they really want me to keep the title, and booking you ensures it. I'm ok with that, really. I mean, I prefer a challenge. Quite frankly, Alex... You're not in my class. You're not in my league. You don't belong in the ring with me. But I'll continue to play along with this. If anything, your lovely sister and business associate, Alexis, will be at ringside. I've had a little bit of history with hot female business associates, Alex. A nasty history. Keep brining her around. I'll be sure that what those Malaysian Policemen did to Carl From Fresno will be nothing compared to the way I will invade her. Keep trying Alex. This will be a lot of fun. Too bad you will never have this Intercontinental Championship.

AA: And SCENE!

We pan back and see that the white backdrop was just a sheet put up to cover the gaudy background that charter busses always have. Yes, they are STILL in the bus. Attitude Adjuster has a director's chair in the middle of the aisle and Ric Flair was holding the camera that was being used to tape the interview.

DV: How was that?

AA: It was good. Man, working with you is EASY!

DV: Play it back for me?

AA: Ric! Play it back!

RF: WHOOO!!!

They play it back. You see Viper's intense stare into the camera, but you can't hear what he says. Instead, you hear "Radio Ga Ga"

DV: WHAT THE FUCK!

AA: Guys, I thought we were going to turn that off.

LJB: IHOP requested that this song be played in repeat!

DV: BUT THEY'RE NOT EVEN ON OUR BUS! They got their own IHOP Championship bus to listen to that damn song over and over again! Why have we been playing this the entire time?

LJB: I love Queen, ok? Sit down and shut the hell up before I pull the plug on the Mobile Fortress.

DV: Should've just taken the Mobile Fortress in the first place...

FFM: Hey! That's what I said earlier!

DV: Yeah, no shit, sherlock. This bus sucks.

TD: The Dead prefers being on the bus where there is no cavity search or trips to malaysian prisons.

DV: The Dead can suck my dick.

TD: The Dead is not a homo. *OW!*

AA: So wait, you'd rather be on the bus that had cavity searches and malaysian prison rape?

DV: No. That's not what I said.

AA: Nah, that's what I heard.

EOM: Me too.

RH: You're one nasty perv, Donnie.

DV: Y'ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP!

MHJ: I'M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP HERE ASSHOLES!!!

[mooseheadjack]

Stank - Get the fuck outta here!

Alexis - I'm serious.

Stank - No. Way.

Alexis - All I'm saying is I don’t want a man who’s afraid to let me touch his ass. A lot of guys get real homophobic if women go anywhere near their asses. Don’t let society tell you what’s taboo. If I toss your salad, that doesn’t mean you’re gay. That’s a heterosexual act. Men and women have been doing that to each other for years. I just need a man who’s going to be grown about it.

Stank - Yeah but there's a difference between YOU touching a man's ass and a fucking Malaysian body cavity search by the side of the road.

Alexis - Whatever. I bet if the officer with the glove had been female you wouldn't have objected.

Stank - I would too.

Alexis - Sure.

Stank - I would! Cavity searches aren't sexual acts.

CFF - Tell that to the guy who had his hand up MY ass! He keeps staring at me funny. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT??

Stank - Anyway Alexis I'm not sure how we got on this topic...

Alexis - Carl won't shut up about it. I thought I'd lighten the mood.

Stank - Look, no one is going to insert anything into my ass. Not a sexy female journalist. Not a playboy playmate, and damn sure not the Phuket police.

Alexis - I licked a man’s ass once. It was clean of course or else I wouldn't have done it. He was pretending that he wasn’t going to like it, but he did. He kinda made a funny noise when i did it, too.

OBJ - ...

Spin - ...

Amnesiac - ...

Stank - ... Alex come get your sister.

P - This conversation is too much for my virgin ears.

L - Your ears lost their virginity a long time ago with this lot.

P - There's a lot you don't know about me.

Alex - What the hell were you guys talking about?

Alexis - Nothing brother dear.

<Alexis stands up and grabs her brother by the arm, leading him over to the other side of the cell by Firewoman.>

Stank - ...

DHM - Damn.

DM - For the record... I never made a funny noise.

Spin - WHAT?

Monkh - Ewww

Stank - TM motherfuckin I

DM - I was just joking.

Stank - No you weren't. You let her lick your ass.

Amn - Dude , that's so gay.

DM - It's not gay. And it's a moot point cause it never happened.

Stank - Whatever.

DM - No NO NOT whatEVER!

Stank - Dude... relax.

Spin - Whatever... I'd let her lick my ass.

Stank - She's NOT licking any one of your asses.

CFF - It would be alright with me if NO one SAID the word ASS again tonight! THANK YOU!

[mooseheadjack]

Flashback

Justin Sane is seen sitting in the bus station playing a game of rock em sock em robots against a local fan. Suddenly we hear the sound of the buses pulling away. Justin sees this and jumps up to follow. Unfortunately he gets stuck in the rock em sock em ropes and ends up smashing face first into the game smashing it into pieces. Justin falls to the floor with the red rock em sock em robot falling on his chest. An OOWF ref slides in and counts the three declaring the red rock em sock em robot winner by pinfall.

Justin hops to his feet and takes off running full force after the departing busses as the scene fades to black.

The scene comes back up sometime later as we still see Justin running (albeit much more slowly, while sweating profusely) as he comes across the parked lonestar bus that is waiting to be impounded. Justin climbs onto the empty bus.

JS- Hello is this the bus to Mayhem? Anyone, hellooooo.

As Justin looks around, he sees a scrap of paper that has this weeks lineup on it. Instantly his face lights up and the fog seems to clear from his eyes. Calmly he sits in the drivers seat, cranks up the engine and peels out of the parking lot as the guards standing nearby start yelling for him to stop. The camera fades to black.

The scene comes back up in the present showing Team Rick in the Malaysian jail cell, where Spin has resumed his punching of the wall as Carl urges him on.

Sp- Murder *Wham*

C- That's right murder

Sp- Murder *Wham*

C- Hell yeah

Sp- Mur...

Spin stops and looks through the fist sized hole he has made in the wall. Suddenly he turns and grabs Carl.

Sp-Move, other side of the cell, NOW! (As he says this he shoves Carl towards the far end of the cell) Everyone other side now.

FW- What is it now.

P- Calm down spin i...

Sp- No arguments move now!

As this is happening Stank has come over and looked through the hole. He turns and halls ass to the other side of the cell.

St- Listen to him move your asses now!

All of Team Rick heads to the far side of the cell as moments later the Lonestar Bus crashes into the side of the prison knocking a large hole in the wall. Seconds later a battered and bloodied Justin Sane staggers out of the bus and walks directly to where Davin and Stank are standing.

DM- What the hell are you doing?

JS- (breathing heavily) Helping you.

St- By trying to run us down with a bus? Besides, what reason do you have to help us?

JS- Moosehead Jam has my title, I want it back. I help you, you help me. (With that Justin passes out face first onto the floor)

Meanwhile the rest of Team Rick looks around unsure of how to precede with this new situation. As the scene fades out we can hear a conversation between Bunny and Crete in the background.

B- Man that guy is crazy.

C- No, he's Justin Sane.