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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:25:37 GMT -5
(Caps, Stank, Spin, and the Mysterious Masked Man come a stumbling into the empty arena)
Stank: damn, they kicked us out.....
Spin: we weren't that loud, were we?
Stank: Loud? pffft.... I fart louder than that, kid...
(FFC staggers around a corner and runs into LADDER)
FFC: (staggered) Hey! Watch where yer goin!
Stank: hey, that's Concrete's "Buddy", LADDER
MMM: He thinks he's so tough
FFC: Let's work some GANG TACTICS on him!
(the four drunkards attack LADDER and toss him to the floor. Spin drops an elbow on LADDER and rolls aside. MMM stomps LADDER a few times but gets his foot caught in the rungs)
FFC: HEY!! LET GO OF HIM!
(FFC Sits on LADDER and pummels away)
Referee Junior Hale: (Spots this and dashes over)
FFC: I SAID LET THE FUCK GO! (grabs two rungs and chokes)
LADDER: (clatters in a panic)
Ref Hale: HE TAPPED! (grabs the belt) Your NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion - F.F. CAPSLOCK!!
FFC: huh?
MMM: ..... can you get him to at least let go of ME?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:25:56 GMT -5
in the Drink & Destroy lockerroom, Stank and Spin are enjoying some beers, Capslock is laying on the bench while Mysterious Fourth Man In A Mask is holding the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship and looking it over.
MFMIAM- I like the craftsmanship here, for a belt that's made of aluminum it really is pretty nice.
FFC- I like it. I'm glad I finally have a singles title, its my first one.
MFMIAM- Well, now it starts. We have one belt, we only have to win the rest of them. This will be the title that starts us off on the path to gold and glory.
Stank- Its really nice, Lock, can I see it?
FFC- Sure, throw it over there, Mysterious Fourth Man In A Mask.
Stank- Oh yeah. Its great. Way to go, man.
Spin- Congratulations.
Stank- Here ya go.
Stank throws the belt back to capslock, it lands on his chest and Referee Sterling Glaw slides in to make the three count.
SG- The winner, and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion...The DDT Iron Man Heavyweight Championship belt!
FFC- What?
MFMIAM- I think you just lost your title to...your title.
FFC- Oh that is bullshit!
Spin- Its kinda funny though.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:26:18 GMT -5
FF Capslock is trying to figure out how to beat his title for his title. He bends one of the straps and slaps the other one on the ground
FFC- Tapout?
Referee Sterling Glaw- No. Your doing that.
FFC- Hmmm. Well can I pin it?
SG- I suppose.
FFC- Well I want to beat it in a spectacular fashion. No finger poke of doom for me.
FF Capslock carries the belt over to a soda machine and sets it on a bench by the machine. He climbs up on top of the machine and leaps up, smashing his head into the ceiling and falling behind the bench unconscious.
SG- That was pretty spectacular, but you didn't really get a pin...Capslock? Buddy? ...you okay, man?
Capellan walks over to the soda machine. He fumbles through his pockets for change and can't do it with one hand so he sets his Intercontinental Championship on top on the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship and purchases a Mountain Dew.
SG- One! Two! Three! The winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, The Intercontinental Championship!
Cap- What? Wait...what?
SG- Your belt...its hold a belt now.
Cap- WHAT!?
SG- See, the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship was the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion and the Intercontinental Championship just pinned it to become new the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion. So you hold the Intercontinental Championship which is, itself, the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion. Get it?
Cap- I gotta quit smoking pot...
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:26:37 GMT -5
Capellan is WALKING~! backstage.
WHAM. Voltage flies in out of nowhere with a chair, blasting the Intercontinental Champion. Capellan goes down, his IC belt and the Iron Man belt both flying across the room to land in a tangled heap.
"Ha Ha!" Voltage shouts, before leaping on the prone Capellan to make a pin.
Sterling Glaw walks up.
"What are you doing?"
"Pinning Capellan for his Iron Man belt. Hurry up and make the count, you drongo!"
"But Capellan isn't the champion."
"What? He has the belt!"
"Actually, his title has the belt. You need to pin his title to win the Iron Man championship."
Voltage slides off Capellan and stands up to glare at Glaw.
"You have to be kidding."
"Nope." Glaw shakes his head. As he does so, he notices the tangled up IC and Iron Man belts, drops to his knees, and counts the three.
"Double Pin! Your kind of winner and still Heavy Metal Iron Man Champion - the Intercontinental Championship!"
Capellan slowly clambers to his feet.
"What happened?"
Glaw gestures at Voltage, "Chair shot."
"Oh." Capellan thinks about this for a moment, then superkicks Voltage out of his boots. The Australian bounces off the wall and falls on top of the still tangled IC and Iron Man belts.
Glaw glances at Capellan,
"Um, I'm going to have to count that pin unless you move him."
"Oh, right." Cap moves to get Voltage off the belts, but before he can do so, the Chickenshit Heels run in and commence a beatdown.
"See!" AA shouts, "We're heels! Sneak attacking faces! Sandwiches! Golf! Two on one beatdowns!"
Just then, wCw swoop in for the save and a massive four-man brawl begins. In the course of it, Wilder springboards off Westgaard's shoulders, cross-checking onto Adrenaline. Johnny and Wilder both go flying across the room, both of them landing atop Voltage ... who is still lying on the belts.
Glaw drops to his knees.
"1, 2, 3! Your new Joint Heavy Metal Iron Man Champions: Tommy Wilder and Johnny Adrenaline!"
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:27:04 GMT -5
<Johnny Adrenaline is going through his gym bag when he hits something solid>
JA: The hell? <rummages around for a moment and pulls out the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship Belt> Whoah!
AA: Holy crap, where did you get that?
JA: I dunno....
Abby: Aren't you and Tommy Wilder the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champions together?
JA: Are we?
RF: The OOWF Almanac says you two have been the champions since October 10th. Way to pull a Garvin and not defend your title for TWO MONTHS!
JA: HO-LEE-SHIT!! Hey AA I have been a champion this whole time!
AA: What? Why weren't you wearing that title belt?
JA: I forgot I had it
AA: Wow, is that better or worse than pulling the belt out of the garbage?
JA: does it matter? I gotta find GM the Rick!
AA: Why?
JA: Well, as a champion, I am entitled to a bigger cut of the gate, I get two months of back pay!
AA: Yeah, good luck with that!
RS: DAMN!
JA: Uh, Ron, that was kind of random.
RS: Yeah it was, but the way this conversation was going, I didn't think there would be any opportunity for me to sneak in my catchphrase
AA: Yeah sometimes you have to just blurt them out I guess
RF: WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AA: Exactly. Hey Abby, why didn't you ever have a catchphrase?
Abby: Have you heard me talk, ever?
AA: You mean other than now?
Abby: yes dipshit
RS: DAMN!
AA: Now see, THAT was way more appropriate
JA: Guys, I would love to sit and debate this with you, but I gotta go get paid!
<Johnny leaves with the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship slung across his shoulder, but as soon as he walks out the door, he is attacked by numerous OOWF wrestlers trying to get the title, Johnny manages to fight them off and flee for his life ducking into a locker room for safety. When he turns around he is staring right at Capellan, JW Westgaard and Missy>
Missy: What the hell do you want Adrenaline? And what is with that title?
JWW: Hey, isn't that the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship?
JA:<proudly> Yes it is, I am a champion! So what do you guys think of that! I am on my way to GM the Rick's office now to get my championship back pay!
Missy: Backpay? Did you negociate that into your contract?
JA: huh?
Missy: Did you add the per diem stipulation that a champion gets a certain percentage of the gate for each title defense
JA: Well I....
Missy: Did you license you're likeness for marketing and promotion for the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship promotional material?
JA: What?
Missy: You just found the title today didn't you?
JA: It was in my gym bag!
<Tommy Wilder walks in counting a fat wad of cash>
TW: Hey Missy, I gotta thank you for negociating that contract, man, this has been the easiest money I have ever made! Good thing that tool Adrenaline lost the belt, I get paid, and because of him, there isn't even the need to defend it, what a ....
Cap: Hey, Tommy <Cap points at Adrenaline>
TW: Oh, look who it is! Hey champ, I see you found the ten pounds of gold!
RF: <from a distance> THATS CATCHPHRASE INFRINGEMENT WHOOOOOOOOOOOO
Missy: <yelling out the door> CAN IT FLAIR!
JA: Wait, so let me get this straight, you have been getting PAID for two months?
TW: Sure, ten grand a week for doing nothing all because you lost the belt. Can't defend what you don't have.
JA: WHAT! TEN GRAND! Dammit, RICK OWES ME <stops to figure out the math and seems to have a little difficulty> RICK OWES ME A LOT OF MONEY!
TW: Do you have it written in your contract?
JA: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IS WRITTEN IN MY CONTRACT
<The Rock pokes his head in the locker room and stares at Johnny and just says one word...."no" then leaves>
JA: What the...?
TW: Anyway, I will be taking that belt now, I think you have disgraced it long enough
JA: Like hell you will
TW: DUDE! It is half mine and you have had it for over two months!
JA: IT WAS LOST
TW: NOT MY PROBLEM
<both men grab the title belt and a tug of war starts, which quickly turns into a brawl that spills out into the hall, the two men brawl for a moment, then both turn and grab chairs, swing, and clock each other in the head at the same time, leaving both men lying on the ground. The Masked Bashems are walking down the hall toward the carnage not pying attention and eating their double stuft Oreos>
MB1: Man these are the best cookies EVER
MB2: I am not sure why we are so hungry, but we should work for Moreland again
MB1: It beats what Vince has us doing now, especially with Paul being sent home, what the hell are we going to do now?
MB2: We could always go to TNA
MB1: true we could.....OOF
<with that the masked Bashems trip and fall ontop of a prone Wilder and Adrenaline. Oreos go everywhere. As they struggle to get to thier feet, referee Angel Barros appears out of nowhere and makes a three count>
AB: WINNERS and NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPIONS - THE MASKED BASHEMS!
MB1: Huh?
MB2: The hell?
AB: Do you boys even work here?
MB1: No, we were just
MB2: We were just looking around, seeing if we wanted to work here in the future, right Masked Bashem 1?
MB1: No, we were...
MB2: RIGHT MASKED BASHEM 1???
MB1: Oh, oooooohh yeah, yeah we were just looking around, you know, scoping things out, giving Vince some ideas, he steals liberally from this place you know
AB: Yeah, I know, well anyway, you guys are the champs, BETTER WATCH YOUR ASSES BUDDIES!
FFC: Hey!
<The Masked Bashems grabs the title and run away>
MB1: Hey, wasn't Moreland talking about this title in one of his promos?
MB2: Yeah he was! Maybe if we show him how good we've done he will give us more oreos!
MB1: LET'S GO!
<the Masked Bashems flee toward Davin Moreland's "locker room">
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:27:27 GMT -5
DM: Ladies and Gentlemen...THE MASKED BASHAM BROTHERS!!!!!
<upon hearing their introduction, 1/2 the crowd goes to the bathroom, the other half seems to be dazed into indifference as the MASKED BASHAMS enter the ring>
<The MBS come in holding their now shared DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championships. Apparently this is the first time DM has seen this, because his facial gestures show genuine shock>
DM: THE DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champions...THE MASKED BASHAMS!!!
<crowd still doesn't give a shit>
<DM whispers something to CP and puts him in the corner of the ring>
DM: THE CHAMPS! Ladies and Gentlemen, the CHAMPS!!! (as DM drops the mic, he raises the arms of the MBs in victory...he then gets a wicked grin on his face, does a standing backflip and locks on...OMG DOUBLE MARC HENRY MEMORIAL ARMBARS~!~!)
<The Bashams look incredulously at first, wondering why they're in armbars, and why they should care, but eventually, the pain takes over as DM has them locked on...They look at each other and start to drop to the mat. Creech looks at the MBs and looks at DM>
C: *whispering* Are they really gonna tap to an Armbar?
DM: Marc Henry Memorial Armbars...
C: Right...Hooo-kay (He checks on the Bashams and they both look at Creech and start to tap at the same time)
C: RING the DAMN BELL!!!!
RRAP: Ladies and Gentlemen, by way of DOUBLE SUBMISSION...your new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion....DAVIN More-LAND!!!!!!
<crowd goes apeshit>
<DM drops the armbars, and as the MBs try to recover, DM picks up the mic and CP>
DM: Bashams! CP has something to say to you guys...
CP: *clang*
DM: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME BACK~!!
<DM starts to swing wildly with CP at the prone Bashams, breaking ribs, busting skulls, and leaving a pool of destruction. The Bashams may well be dead. DM has a slightly sick grin on his face, as he grabs the mic again, along with his belt now draped over his shoulder>
DM: The dynasty? Doesn't include you. (throws the mic at the MBs)
<crowd is bonkers as DM and CP leave the ring for the back>
<Fade. To. Black...>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:28:18 GMT -5
<Eco and Voltage leave Grunt and walk down the hall.>
Volt: See this is what I was talking about. You have all this back history in the OOWF, and I have nothing.
Eco: WEll you are still new, it takes time to become a legend like me
Volt: True, but we have to start by making a statement! I mean look at us, we have been a team how long now and we still don't have a name!
Eco: I thought we were going to be The Defenestrators
Volt: Oh, are we going with that?
Eco: Are we?
Volt:.......
Eco:........
Volt: Well fine, but we still need to work on an identity, find our niche
Eco: Ok, we could be the confused cowardly heels who always find themselves in the middle of something
Volt: Nah, The Chickenshit Heels have that covered
Eco: Ok we could get serious and become the most ass-kicking tag team on the planet
Volt: Nah, Weapon X beat us to that
Eco: hmm. what about humorous drunken faces that do heel stuff and still get cheered
Volt: Drink & Destroy
Eco: DAMN! Faceless jobber team that never has a shot at winning?
Volt: Apocalyptic Bastards, and why the hell would we want to be that anyway?
Eco: Good point.
Volt: The pont is, we need to do SOMEthing to establish ourselves
Eco: How so?
Volt: For example, look over there, Niles Anderson, there is no question he is a heel, I mean the guy is a complete prick, he just oozes heel
Eco: What is he doing anyway?
Volt: I dunno, it looks like he is about to attack someone, another typical heel thing to do
Eco: I wonder who....
<as if on cue Davin Moreland starts down the hall oblivious to Niles hiding behind some Random Backstage Junk>
Eco: Look, it's Davin Moreland, we could be like him, lovable tweeners who talk to inanimate objects
Volt: I think we already have that covered
Eco: We do?
Volt: Um, Brick? and Mario?
Eco: Ah yes, hey look, something is happening
<just then Niles leaps out from behind the Random Backstage Stuff and attacks Davin with a wicked belt shot to the side of the head. He then pulls a groggy Davin up and SteeDDT's him on the concrete floor. Niles looks at his work, appears to be satisfied, and walks away>
Volt: Now see! THAT is what we should be! That was a completely unprovoked attack!
Eco: yeah! Look at that! Moreland is out cold, flat on his back!
Volt: Clangy pole went rolling away
Eco: and the DDT Iron Man Heavy MEtal Championship is just lying there on the ground
Volt: Just lying there
Eco: On the ground
Volt: For anyone to pick up and claim
Eco:..........
Volt:..........
<both men take off running toward Moreland, each trying to shove the other out of the way to get there first>
Eco: NO! I HAD THE IDEA FIRST!
Volt: NUH UH! IT WAS MY IDEA!
Eco: I AM AN OOWF ORIGINAL!
Volt: YOU WERE GONE FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS!
Eco: I AM IDOLIZED BY ADORABLE PRE-TEENS!
Volt: THEY HATE YOU! BESIDE I NEED THE PUSH!
Eco: IT'S A PROMO ONLY TITLE! THERE IS NO PUSH!
Volt: PEOPLE LOVE MY SIGNS!
Eco: PEOPLE LOVE MY SURREAL PROMOS!
Volt: PEOPLE LOVE TO SEE ME GET MY ASS KICKED!
Eco: OK, I WILL GIVE YOU THAT! <Eco spins and stops and holds his hand up dramatically, bringing Volt to a screeching stop, Eco pulls an oversized posterboard out of his back pocket and hands it to Voltage who starts reading....
Voltage, I realize that in your quest to gain OOWF gold you may have said and done some things that you are not proud of. As your tag team partner, I want you to know that I completely understand. Just keep in mind, my friend, that it is not the title that makes the man, but rather the man that makes the title. Your time will come, be patient. But right now, it is my time.
<Volt drops the posterboard and sees Ecosystem standing in front of him with his newly won DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship draped over his shoulder>
Volt: Aw man!
Eco: It's ok man. Hey! Let's go show this to The Chickenshit Heels! I'll bet they will love it!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:28:37 GMT -5
FF Capslock and Stank are having a deep emotional conversation.
FFC- Hey, you wanna know something wierd?
Stank- What's that?
FFC- Ecosystem has held the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship for a month and a half and no one's tried to take it from him.
Stank- That is wierd. Does he do promos and stuff where he might be available to be challenged for it?
FFC- All the time!
Stank- That is really wierd. I wonder if he'll ever get challenged for it.
FFC- Me too, Stank...me too.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:28:55 GMT -5
(Ecosystem is shuffling through his gym bag when he finds something.)
Eco: Is that...the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship? How long ago did I win this? Yo Voltage!
Voltage: (popping in) Yeah Eco?
Eco: Do you remember me winning a title?
Voltage: Not really.
Eco: Huh.
Voltage: Wait...is that the one that's defended all the time?
Eco: I guess so.
Voltage: Look over there.
Eco: (looks to the right) Where?
(Voltage nails Eco with a chair.)
Voltage: Awww....I don't feel right about this.
(Voltage walks away. Capellan walks in.)
Capellan: Huh.
(Capellan pins Eco. A ref runs in and counts the fall.)
Capellan: I don't feel really proud.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:29:18 GMT -5
Capellan strolls into The Rick's office, his DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal title on his shoulder. The Rick, no doubt remembering Cap's last visit, looks less than pleased.
"What do you want?"
Capellan slaps the belt.
"It's about this belt -"
"You have to keep it. If you didn't want to deal with the 24/7 rules you shouldn't have pinned Ecosystem. Don't cry to me about your missed sleep."
"It's not that." Cap drops a black leather, metal-studded folder on the table. It has a skull on the cover.
"What'd this?"
"The DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship Rulebook."
"The what?"
"The DDT Iron -"
"OK, I heard you the first time. I can't believe there's actually a rulebook for this thing." The Rick picks up the folder. "So what about it?"
"It says in clause 12 that the title is to be defended at all times -"
"Yes, I know that."
"- including in the ring."
"What?"
"I said 'including in the ring'. That means that every bout I have while this is on my shoulder is a DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title Match."
"But you're in a tag match!"
"Clause 12(c)."
The Rick looks it up.
"Including all multi-person matches, whether fought individually or as part of a team."
"So ..."
The Rick sighs.
"So this week's tag match against the Bastards is a DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title Match. If you still have the belt."
"Yep."
"Fine. I'll update the card. Anything else before you get the hell out of my office?"
"Just one thing." Cap shrugs as he turns to leave. "Clause 17."
The Rick looks it up.
"Aww, hell."
DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title Match - use of the belt as a weapon is legal Capellan & Donovan Viper vs. Apocalyptic Bastards
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:29:40 GMT -5
(Chris Cole is sitting in his locker room, talking to an unidentified party on speakerphone about last week's match results against Davin Mooreland. )
Cole: I'm telling you, this is complete and total bullshit. I'm the Main Event, and now they've got me facing off against a waste of space like Mooreland! I held the World Championship for longer than anyone else here, and I RAN THIS PLACE.
Guy On The Phone (in a muffled voice): It is completely ridiculous. You should be facing Crete for the title. I'll tell you what I do think that you should do, though... start rebuilding the Three Piece Set. I'm sure there are plenty of people around here who would want to be associated with you.
Cole: That's definitely something to think about... and with my resources, I can definitely assemble the best group of wrestlers that the world has ever seen, with me as their leader. I'll be unstoppable. By the way, what's up with your voice, man? You sound... different.
GotP: I've got a cold, but never mind that. Let me put it this way... the next short while will show everyone that you deserve what's coming to you.
(GM The Rick comes into the room without knocking.)
Cole: Hold on, some asshole decided to come in here without knocking. Rick, how DARE you come in here after what you did to me last week. I have nothing to say to you right now... at least not with my mouth. My fists, on the other hand, are something else entirely.
GMtR: Looks like someone here can't take the taste of their own medicine. I'm just coming in here to see if you've learned your lesson... but it seems pretty obvious to me that you haven't.
Cole: Get out of here now before I make you regret the day you were ever born. (He starts talking to the guy on the phone.) Looks like your prediction isn't entirely right.
GotP: Oh, no... I DEFINITELY think that you will deserve what's coming to you.
(The gentleman on the phone clears his throat, and the voice issuing from it is instantly recognizable...)
Moosehead Jack: Trust me.
(Spin Hansen comes barreling through the door, wielding a metal baseball bat! He BLASTS Cole in the face with a vicious shot from the bat, dropping it and immediately hoisting him into position for Spinal Justice! SPINAL JUSTICE THROUGH A CONVENIENTLY-PLACED COFFEE TABLE! Cole is not looking good!)
Spin: Rick, count this for me!
(Spin covers as The Rick delivers a three count! )
GMtR: And now, YOUR NEW DDT IRONMAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION: SPIN FREAKIN' HANSEN!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:30:05 GMT -5
(Spin Hansen and Stank are in the back, talking to Stan Lee!)
Stan: I guess I'll be heading out, then.
Stank: Thanks again.
Spin: Yeah, Stan. You've made a True Believer out of me again. Oh, and one more thing?
Stan: Yes?
Spin: Do you have Basura's number? I'd hit that so hard that time itself would stop.
Stan: ... no. I'm leaving now.
Spin: Fine! I was a DC guy ANYWAY!
Stan: DC this!
(Stan Lee has leveled Spin with a surprisingly swift shot to the yambag! Spin is DOWN, and Stan covers! An unnamed referee appears and delivers a three count...)
Your NEW DDT Ironman Heavy Metal Champion, Stan "The Man" Lee!
Stan: Excelsior, bitch!
(Spin groans and pulls himself up... just as F. Fonzworth Cappington III blocks the door!)
Cappington: Where do you think that you're going, old man?
Stan: Away from here. Are the inmates running the asylum here or sommething?
Cappington: Jeeves, could you help me with something?
(Jeeves enters the scene.)
Cappington: Jeeves... Code Getty.
(Jeeves tackles Stan Lee, who collapses to the ground! Cappington walks over and places one foot on Lee's chest... one... two... three...)
YOUR NEW DDT Ironman Heavy Metal Champion, F. Fonzworth Cappington III!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:30:43 GMT -5
Back in the Fortress Of Snobbery, Cappington is lounging in a tanning bed while Voltage and Ecosystem admire his newly won DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship
FFCIII- This is the first step for L.O.A.D.E.D. We're loaded with money, now we'll be loaded with gold!
Eco- Great stuff, boss. Problem is, I'm not loaded.
Volt- I kinda am. I drank some Corona's earlier.
FFCIII- Did you put lime in 'em?
Volt- No! I put...uh...a kiwi?
Eco- That looks like a lime to me.
Volt- No no no, its a kiwi, I swear.
FFCIII- That's one bald ass kiwi.
Volt- Its an...uh...australian...hairless kiwi?
FFCIII- Let me taste that.
Voltage reluctantly hand over the Corona and Cappington takes a sip.
FFCIII- That tastes like a lime to me, buddy.
Referee Junior Hale slides in a makes the three count
JH- Your winner, and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, CORONA WITH LIME!
FFCIII- What?
Eco- No!
Volt- Its not a lime!
FFCIII- Someone pin that Corona with lime!
Spin- Don't mind if I do.
They all turn to see Spin Hansen hit the Todesfall on the Corona with Lime, shattering it into a million pieces. He boldly lays on top of the broken glass shards as Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- You winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, SPIN FREAKIN' HANSEN!
Spin- MWA AH AH AH!
Spin grabs the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship and runs from the room.
Eco- I can't believe it!
Volt- He can't get away with that!
FFCIII- He won't. Believe you me. He better watch his ass, buddies.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:31:12 GMT -5
(Spin Hansen is in a restroom, picking glass shards out of his chest.)
Spin: Heh. Title's mine again. Now to get these shards of glass out of my chest...
(Suddenly, the lights go out!)
Spin: Sonofa--
(A knock comes to the door.)
Spin: Yeah?
Unknown Voice: Electrician. Power went out in here, right?
Spin: Yeah.
(A flashlight turns on, and there's a CRASH! Hansen goes down again!)
Electrician: Oh, sorry about that, amigo... let me just get this light fixed...
(The electrician sets a ladder on top of Spin, but it's no ordinary ladder... it's LADDER! Mel Creech kicks a stall door open and delivers a three count without even pulling his pants up, which is a visual that will haunt you for the rest of your life!)
Your NEW DDT Ironman Heavyweight Champion... LADDER!
(What's this? Someone drops from the ceiling and gains their footing on Ladder! Creech counts another three...)
Your NEW DDT Ironman Heavyweight Champion... VOLTAGE?
Spin (groaning): What the fuck were you doing in the ceiling above the men's room?
Voltage: I have absolutely no idea.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:31:32 GMT -5
[Voltage returns IN TRIUMPH~! to the LOADED lockerroom.]
Voltage: I AM THE CHAMPION! KNEEL BEFORE ME.
FFC: You managed to beat Spin Hansen? How?
Voltage: The power of gravity.
Ecosystem: Gravity! I like that for our stable name. Let's go with that.
FFC: We decided a stable name two day-
Volt: Forget it, he's not listening. Hey Eco, you want to hold this belt too to share it amongst the stable?
Eco: Sure, why not!
*Mel Creech runs out! Cover, 1, 2, kickout!*
Eco: Why did you kick out?
Volt: Because I would have lost the title!
FFC: This is inane.
[FFC defenestrates both Eco and Volt, plus the ref for some reason. Eco lands covering Voltage...1, 2, 3!]
Mel Creech: Your winner, and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal champion...ECOSYSTEM!
Ecosystem: I like that, let's go with it.
FFC: STOP SAYING THAT!
[FFC jumps out the window. FFC has fallen...on top of Ecosystem. Cover! 1, 2, 3!]
Mel Creech: Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, F. Fonzworth Cappington III!
Eco: I like that, let's go wit-
[FFC decks Eco.]
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:31:53 GMT -5
Eco- So...do you wanna give that back so I can have it again?
FFCIII- Fuck no! You'll just fuck it up and then none of us will have it.
Volt- That's true. Give it to me!
FFCIII- Riiight, because you're dependable and smart right?
Volt- Aren't I?
FFCIII- Sure...if that makes you happy...
Volt- Are you saying I'm not!? I'll kick your ass man!
Cappington throws some glitter in the air.
Volt- Oooo! Shiny!
Eco- I WANT THAT!
VOLT- FUCK YOU, ITS MINE!
They struggle and fight trying to catch the most glitter and knock Cappington over in the process. Junior Hale slides in and makes the three count
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, A POCKETFUL OF GLITTER!
FFCIII- You guys are starting to piss me off. Jeeves! Gather up this glitter so I can pin it!
Lance- As you wish, sir.
Lance starts to gather up the glitter into a pile when Mel Creech slides in and makes the three count.
MC- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, Lance the Butler!
FFCIII- His name is Jeeves stupid.
Lance- Actually he's right, my name is Lance. I believe I told you this the day you hired me, sir.
FFCIII- Shut up, Jeeves. Lay down so I can pin you.
Lance- As you wish, sir.
Lance lays down and suddenly a sparrow lands on him. Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, THIS SPARROW!
The sparrow flies off and lands outside of Ric Flair's Sandwich Shoppe to eat some bread crumbs
FFCIII- Well way to go Jeeves. You can't even to that right. Let's go find that bird.
They all run over to Flair's Sandwich Shoppe to see Johnny Adrenaline pinning the Sparrow and Mel Creech making the three count
MC- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, JOHNNY ADRENALINE!
Volt- Dammit!
FFCIII- How'd he know that the sparrow was the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion?
JA- That sparrow was the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion? That's odd.
FFCIII- You didn't know that? Then why'd you pin it?
JA- Why don't you shut the hell up and stay out of my personal affairs?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:32:14 GMT -5
[Invisible Ninja Cameraman catches Johnny Adrenaline and Attitude Adjuster leaving the arena.]
AA: Meet you there?
JA: Yeah... I got tee time in 20 minutes, you'll be done by mid-afternoon, won't ya?
AA: Depends on whether it goes to overtime.
JA: I'll meet you there.
[TCH leave in separate vehicles. Ninja cameraman follows Johnny, who drives past the golf course and to a non-descript house a half mile past the club. Johnny goes inside as Invisible Ninja Cameraman looks for a way in.]
[Ninja Cameraman sneaks thru a window, walks down the hallway, and catches Johnny in bed with a somewhat attractive redhead. The redhead mounts Johnny and starts grinding. Before this becomes a straight up porno flick, Junior Hale slides from under the bed and makes the three count!!]
JH: Your winner and NEW DDT IRON...WOMAN CHAMPION... um... what's you're name, honey?
Redhead: GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE YOU CREEP!
JH: .... THIS HOOKER!!
JA: Hey baby, roll back over, I gotta pin you down and get my belt back.
Redhead: I tok your belt off already though. It's over there. Remember how you spanked me with it?
JA: Yeah, yeah, but not that belt.
Redhead: Then what belt then?
JA: Look, I got this...
[Before Johnny can finish his explanation, Spin Hansen barges thru the door and clotheslines the redhead right off the bed!]
JA: HEY!!!
[Hansen covers the redhead, making sure to put his hands on her boobs to keep her shoulders down as Hale makes the three count.]
JH: NEW DDT IRONMAN CHAMPION... SPIN FREAKIN HANSEN!!
Spin: [tossing Johnny's boxer shorts to him] See ya later, bitch.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 16:32:35 GMT -5
(Later on, Spin goes to Flair's for a sandwich, hoping that Johnny Adrenaline isn't in...)
Attitude Adjuster: Hey, when did you get that title back?
SH: An hour ago. Fuckin' Stan Lee never should've gotten me into this mess.
AA: You want a mess? HAVE THIS!
(Attitude Adjuster THROWS A BOTTLE OF MUSTARD AT SPIN!)
SH: Hey, I was starting to like that shirt. Oh, well. Ric, give me a smoked turkey, jalapeno, provolone, and whatever else you see fit sandwich.
Ric Flair: YOUR FUNERAL NO STYLIN' AND PROFILIN' WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT!
(Just then, Mongo appears and takes Spin down!)
Mongo: Hey, Ric, let's reform the Horsemen! I've still got it, see?
(The camera tilts down to look at Spin... THE MUSTARD IS ON HIS SHOULDER! A three-count is given by Mongo...)
Mongo: And now, your TWO TIME DDT Ironman Heavy Metal Champion... A BOTTLE OF MUSTARD!
(Russ and Razz enter the room.)
Razz: Hey, big guy, when did you become a referee?
Mongo: Uh...
Russ: I want a barbecue sandwich!
Ric: BARBECUE WHAT, FATBOY?
Russ: I said I wanted barbecue! WHY ARE YOU KEEPING ME FROM MAH BAH GAWD BARBECUE?
(He stomps on the bottle of mustard just long enough for a three count...)
Mongo: One! Two! Three!
Razz: Seriously, chief... you're not a referee.
Mongo: Your NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION, CHIM RUSS!
Razz: Your first name's Chim?
Russ: I don't like to talk about it. Besides, isn't your first name... Anthony?
Razz: That's it! NO ONE GIVES AWAY MY FIRST NAME!
(Razz locks Russ in the RAZZMISSION! Russ taps out!)
Mongo: Your NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION, RAZZ!
Ric: YOU CALL THAT A SUBMISSION? I'LL SHOW YOU A SUBMISSION!
(Ric locks Razz in the FIGURE FOUR... but Voltage comes in and holds down Razz's shoulders just before he taps!)
Mongo: Your NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION, VOLTAGE!
Voltage: I like that.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:03:04 GMT -5
[Scene opens to Voltage sitting by himself.]
Voltage: You were expecting me to have posted a promotional video showing how I lost this title, weren't you? Well, you expected wrong, my friends. You see, I just wanted to take the time to talk about the current problems in the Australian Electoral Syste-
[Voltage falls off his chair. The chair is somehow on top of him. Amazingly, Mel Creech appears again. 1, 2, 3.]
MC: Your winner, and new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal champion...THIS CHAIR!
Volt: DAMMIT!
[After Voltage leaves in disgust, The Knife walks in.]
Knife: Ah excellent, a deserted place in which I can pray. There's even a pew I can pray at. This is surely a sign of God.
[Knife kneels on the fallen chair and begins praying. Mel Creech appears, 1, 2, 3!]
Mel Creech: Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal champion, Knife!
Knife: ...is that you, God?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:03:20 GMT -5
*The Knife goes into GM The Rick's office*
TR- Yeah, Stabber, How can I help you? Hurry up.
TK- Its Knife actually.
TR- Whatever, I don't have time. I have to add Corona With Lime to our title history, I'm disgusted with life. What the hell do you want?
TK- I want to give up this title to the Lord as an offering.
TR- You want to give your title to God?
TK- Yes. I want to give it to God. Why can't I?
TR- If you want to relenquish it, that's fine. But how can you give it to God? Who's gonna pin God?
TK- Maybe he'll just hold it forever, because no one can beat God!
TR- You know what? If you leave my office, I'll let you give the title to God. No one gives a shit about the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship anyways.
TK- Thank you.
TR- Okay, I officially declare God as the new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion.
*Spin Hansen walks in and snatches the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship away from The Rick*
TR- What the hell!
TK- You can't have that! It belongs to God!
SH- Yeah? I just pinned God out in the parking lot. Later bitches.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:03:41 GMT -5
(Spin is in a taxicab with his re-re-re-acquired title in-hand!)
SH: Cabbie, get me out of here. Let's go to... uh... how about a bank. I'll lock myself in a vault so no one can get to me.
Cabbie: Well, you'll need it, because you're in the CASH CAB!
SH: Goddamn it.
Cabbie: First question. What is the original color of Oscar the Grouch?
SH: Orange?
Cabbie: You're RIGHT! Second question. Who was the 14th pick in the 2000 NBA Draft?
SH: Mateen Cleaves?
Cabbie: Right again! Next... what's the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
SH: Shit, man. That joke's old. Really, really old. This is futile.
(Spin opens the door and rolls out of the cab... only to have the cabbie on top of him, throwing punches!)
Cabbie: NO ONE ESCAPES THE CASH CAB WITHOUT ANSWERING THE LAST QUESTION!
(Junior Hale pops his head from an alley and counts three!)
YOUR NEW DDT IRONMAN HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, THE GUY WHO HOSTS CASH CAB!
SH: Hey, man... why didn't you hit the ground to make the count?
Hale: No reason at all.
(Suddenly, the cabbie falls to the ground!)
SH: What the?
Johnny Adrenaline: Where in the hell did that shot go... ahh!
(Johnny Adrenaline, clad in Payne Stewart-esque knickers, sets his golf bag down on the cabbie...)
Hale: One, two, three, new champion, Golf Bag.
JA: Uhh... yeah. What's going on back there, Junior?
Hale: NOTHING AT ALL.
(The Ninja Cameraman leaps into the alley, showing a brief flash of a red-headed lady of the evening about to kneel down before the transmission blurs and the focus shifts back to Spin and Johnny Adrenaline.)
SH: Uh... yeah. Didn't see that one coming.
(The sparrow lands on top of the golf bag!)
Hale: One two OHGOD three, Sparrow has the title.
JA:... Uh... yeah. Let's follow the sparrow.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:04:05 GMT -5
F. Fonzworth Cappington III and Voltage are chasing the sparrow around. They chase it around a corner when out of nowhere Ecosystem jumps out, brick in hand
Eco- SURPRISE FUCKER!
He hurls the brick at the sparrow which smashes its cute li'l burd body out of the air. Voltage picks it up and defenestrates it. Junior Hale slides in and makes the three count
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, PILE OF BROKEN GLASS!
FFCIII- Jesus Christ guys...that was a bit offsides.
Volt- I know! None of us won the belt!
Eco- Did you see my brick!?
FFCIII- I think you killed that little bird.
Volt- I think Eco killed that little bird. I just defenestrated it. Go talk to Bricky Brickerton over there.
Eco- What? I simpley altered it's flight path. Voltage obviously killed it when he smashed it through that window.
FFCIII- Well regardless, you guys killed it. We better bury it or something. Pick it up.
Voltage picks up the bird and accidentally cuts himself on some of the glass on it. He drops the bird back down on the pile of glass. Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, THE SPARROW!
FFCIII- Can you guys be careful? That's one of God's creatures.
Voltage- I think he moved!
Eco- Kill it!
Voltage hits the POWER SURGE ONTO BROKEN GLASS! Ecosystem makes the pin. Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, ECOSYSTEM!
FFCIII- If the sparrow wasn't dead before I'm sure that killed it.
Eco- Hey look! I'm the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion!
FFCIII- But this little bird is dead.
Volt- Yeah...ya jerk.
Voltage throws the bird at Ecosystem, it hits him in the face and he falls backwards with the sparrow landing on top of him. Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, THE SPARROW!
FFCIII- Oh for fuck's sake. This is getting morbid.
Volt- Give me that bird!
Eco- No! Its mine!
They wrestle back and forth with the sparrow until it rips in half. They stare at each other and each pin their own half. Junior Hale makes the three count.
JH- Your winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champions, THE DEFENESTRATORS!
FFCIII- You guys are gross.
Voltage and Ecosystem look at each other
Eco- One of us has to beat the other one for this thing. I don't wanna co-hold it.
Volt- Its too small for us to both wear anyways.
Eco- Alright, lets do this thing. Fonzworth! You be the special referee!
FFCIII- Fine.
They encircle one another, tie up and defenestrate each other.
FFCIII- Okay guys, that's great. You just gonna lay there? Guys? Hello?
They lay in the broken glass motionless.
FFCIII- Guys! Hurry up and come to! You'll never believe who's coming here to take your title!
Suddenly George W. Bush, Roger Clemens, The New York Mets and Barry Bonds run in and pin The Defenestrators. Cappington reluctantly makes the three count.
FFCIII- The winners...and new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champions...George W. Bush, Roger Clemens, The New York Mets and Barry Bonds...man, Moose is gonna be pissed.
Kayfabe has a stroke and falls over never to move the right half of its body again.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:04:28 GMT -5
Moose bellows in the halls, then runs into the locker room with a baseball bat and annihilates George Bush, The New York Mets, and Barry Bonds, leaving them all a writhing, bleeding mess on the floor. He just stares at Cappington, and the unconscious Defenestrators as he leaves the room.
Cap: Uh, well hell, can I pin all of these....
<Suddenly, and for no explainable reason, John Cleese walks into the room>
JC: Ok stop it, stop it! This has gotten silly! No more of this! This is far too silly!
<As Cleese is saying this and practicing his Ministry of Silly Walks skit, he goosesteps onto the bloated carcass of Barry Bonds (wait, what? he's not dead? He's always like that? Oh.) Referee Mel Creech appears out of nowhere>
MC: ONE TWO THREE Winner! AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - JOHN CLEESE
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:04:48 GMT -5
John Cleese walks on and spies Cappington tenderly trying to put the two halves of the sparrow back together.
FFC - Oh you poor bird... Geez, I hope no one sees me here with this dead bird.
JC - I say, is that a parrot?
FFC - What? No it's a sparrow.
JC - A sparrow, I don't think so. What's wrong with it?
FFC - N... Nothing.
JC - Nothing? I'll tell you what's wrong with it... it's dead. That's what's wrong with it.
FFC - Nah, nah, it's just resting.
JC - Look mate, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.
FFC - It's NOT a parrot. It's a SPARROW! And I say it's NOT dead. It's resting.
JC - Resting?
FFC - Yeah. Remarkable bird, this sparrow. It was the two time DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion. It's got great plumage doesn't it?
JC - The plummage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
FFC - Nah Nah, It's resting.
JC - Alright then. If it's resting I'll wake it up.
John Cleese snatches the bird from Cappington's hand and it falls in half. Cleese picks up one half and yells...
JC - HELLOOOO POLLYYYYY! I got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up POLLYYYY PARROT!
FFC nudges the half bird in Cleese's hand.
FFC - There. It moved.
JC - No it didn't! That was you pushing my hand!
FFC - I didn't push your hand.
JC - Yes you did! HELLOOO POLLYYYY! POLLYYYYY! POLLY PARROT!
John Cleese slips on the blood from the other half of the parrot. He falls on his back, while the half he held in his hand, falls onto his chest. Referee Junior Hale shows up out of nowhere for the three count.
JH - YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION... ewww half a dead sparrow.
FFC - See I TOLD you it was a sparrow!
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 17:05:08 GMT -5
Viper is walking in the hallway eating a cookies and cream ice cream cone. He slips on a banana peel and falls onto his back, onto half a dead sparrow which is on top of John Cleese.
Creech comes in ONE... TWO... THREE!
THE WINNER, AS A RESULT OF A PINFALL, AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION... DONOVAN VIPER!!!!
Viper is handed the title.
DV: Uh... ok. Hey, I've never had this before...
Just then the cookies and cream ice cream cone has finished its freefall, landing on Viper's head. Viper is still on the floor.
Creech comes in ONE TWO THREE!!!
THE WINNER, AS A RESULT OF A PINFALL, AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM CONE!
Viper: What the hell just happened?
Nayr comes in on a cement roller. Nayr stops and says...
Nayr: YUMMY! ICE CREAM!!!!
Nayre picks up the ice cream cone off of Viper's head and starts licking it, but the ice cream falls off the cone!
Nayr: Aw, poop. The ice cream! I'll just pick it up from the ground...
Viper: That's fucking dirty, kid. First, I was eating it, then you're going to..
Nayr: Five second rule man. Aw, MAN! I smooshed it!
Creech comes in and waves his arms
THE WINNER BY SUBMISSION AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION, NAYR THE HALFLING LUCHADOR!
Nayr: Oh shit. Not this belt again... Hey! It's John Cleese! What are you doing on the floor?
***and you thought I was going to use the cement roller on Cleese. Ha!***
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