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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:47:46 GMT -5
(Moose walks directly into Monkh and Amnesiac, both standing like a wall in front of him. Moose looks up just in time to see them both punch him dead in the face. The Amnesiac hoists Moose up in the air and powerbombs him to the concrete floor. Monkh shoves Amnesiac out of the way and goes for the pin. The ref makes the three count and holds Monkh's hand aloft.)
YOUR WINNER, AND THE THIRD DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION IN THREE DAYS, MONKH!
(Monkh grabs the title, which looks a little too large for him. The Amnesiac glares jokingly, and then pats him on the shoulder. They leave.)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:48:06 GMT -5
<Back from commercial and We see Stank being helped from the ring by Spin Hansen and The Amnesiac who has come down to offer his assistance. Monkh runs up to Amnesiac's side but his small frame is not seen by Stank as the boy accidentally gets tangled up in Stank's feet and everyone trips and falls as Stank stumbles. The big man lands on top of Monkh and before he can roll off a ref appears out of nowhere!>
ONE, TWO, THREE!! WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - STANK!
Stank - Oh shit.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:48:27 GMT -5
<Camera cuts to a back alley where we see Stank leaving the Destroyitarium to get some fresh air. Stank appears to be mumbling to himself.>
Stank - Damn it Outback! What the hell is are we going to do with all that shit?
<The next thing we hear is a loud SMACK! as MOOSEHEAD JACK comes FLYING in from off camera wielding a snow shovel he just used to whack Stank on the back of his head. Stank falls down in a heap. Moose turns the big man over into a pinning position and out of nowhere Angelo Barros appears for the count...
ONE... TWO... NO! STANK KICKS OUT! WTF??
Moose jumps up, incredulous. He turns to grab the shovel, but by the time he has it in his hands Stank is on his feet... and he is none too happy. With blood pouring down the back of his neck Stank says...>
Stank - The first one is free... the next one will cost you.
<Moose considers this for the briefest of moments before SWINGING the shovel toward the big man's head! Stank catches it at the handle and POPS Moose in the jaw. Moose loses his grip and staggers backwards from the blow, clutching at his jaw. Stank rushes Moose and clubs him across the back of the neck, then throws him into a nearby garage door. As Moose staggers back from the door, Stank scoops Moose up over his shoulder and SLAMS him HARD down to the pavement. Moose writhes in pain and Stank walks away waiting for Moose to get to his feet. As he does, Stank comes FLYING in from off screen and connects with a BIG BOOT to Moose's mouth. His jaw just might be broken as Moose is nearly knocked out cold!>
Stank - Had enough?
<Moose lies on his back and weakly raises his hand, motioning for Stank to bring it! Stank obliges. He grabs Moose and tosses him over his shoulder. Moose struggles, falls, and lands on his feet behind Stank. Stank whirls around and Moose fires off a couple of shots to the midsection, but Stank barely notices. A MASSIVE standing CLOTHESLINE spins Moose end over end and just about decapitates him as once again Moose finds himself on the pavement.>
Stank - Are you done yet?
<Moose lying face down pushes himself up on his hands and knees and starts to chuckle, which crescendos into a full blown laugh! Stank grins then begins to laugh as well. Moose is on his knees now just guffawing uncontrollably. He stops every now and then to clutch at his aching jaw, but starts the laughter back up with each and every throb of pain. Stank remains where he is standing and continues to share the laugh.
Stank looks over and sees a pallet of bottled beer. Stank walks over , grabs two bottles of beer, then hands one to Moose. Moose still on his knees takes the beer, twists off the cap, and begins to guzzle it down. As he does so, he notices an up turned garbage can close by. In one quick motion, Moose grabs the can and THROWS it at Stank, but Stank just catches it and drops it to the pavement, stomping it flat. Stank charges at Moose with another BIG BOOT, but Moose ducks this time and with another swift motion, picks up the flattened trashcan and flings it at the back of Stank's head. The sharp corner of the metal can digs into the back of the already marred flesh, which was hammered earlier by the snow shovel, making a small gash much bigger. Blood now flows more freely from the back of Stank's head as he goes down to one knee.
Bleeding from the nose and mouth, Moose staggers over to Stank and applies the Jiendo. Stank struggles in the chokehold and is now down on both knees, as he tries to rip Moose free from his deathgrip. Stank with Herculean strength stands while Moose squeezes tighter, Stank's blood running down the smaller man's arms and dripping onto the pavement below. Stank staggers around with Moose clutched to his head and neck and hiked up on his back. The big man, through blurry vision spies a broken pallet stacked on top of other pallets, it's jagged edge protruding out. Stank wearily makes his way over to the pallet and BACKS MOOSE HARD INTO THE JAGGED EDGE OF THE PALLET! A piece of wood bites into Moose flesh and juts out of Moose's side in a spray of blood. Moose screams as this is enough to finally get Moose to loosen his grip. Stank staggers out from Moose's position. He turns and looks at his opponent as Moose hangs suspended on the jagged piece of wood.>
Stank - Ha Ha... now ... have y... you had... enough?
<Stank falls on his back unconscious with a hard THUD!
Moose falls to the pavement, the jagged piece of wood which held him, breaking and finally collapsing under Moose's weight, granting him release to the ground below. Moose is giggling now as he crawls over to Stank's prone body. His last act before losing consciousness is to drape his arm over Stank's massive chest...>
Angelo Barros - ... Jesus Christ!
ONE, TWO, THREE!! WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MOOSEHEAD JACK!!!
<Camera Fades>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:48:59 GMT -5
<Kayfabe spears Moose out of his seat and they tumble out of the Destroyitarium, brawling the whole way. They both get to their feet holding weapons, Moose with a lead pipe, Kayfabe with the Kendo Stick of Truth. Moose charges but Kayfabe side steps and catches Moose in the face with a kendo stick shot! Moose falls to one knee and Kayfabe pulls Moose up and DRILLS him on the floor with an Alabama Slam! Both Moose and Kayfabe remain on the floor bloody and exhausted. Kayfabe puts her hand on Moose’s chest to get to her feet when a referee appears and counts…..
ONE, TWO, THREE!! WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION – KAYFABE!!
The referee raises Kayfabe’s arm and hands her the title, she stares at it for a moment, then Justin Sane comes charging out of nowhere, yelling the whole way, naturally. Kayfabe turns and sidesteps and Sane slams into the wall, knocking himself out cold. Kayfabe stands and stares at Sane, giving Moose time to get to his feet and grab a chair. Moose SLAMS the chair across Kayfabe’s face sending her to the floor. Moose falls on Kayfabe and the same referee appears once again….
ONE, TWO, THREE!! WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION – MOOSEHEAD JACK!!>
Moose grabs his title and staggers down the hall.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:49:23 GMT -5
from here(Kayfabe peeks a very puzzled face around the corner again. This time, she's practically speared out of her boots by Justin Sane. The impact causes Ladder to fall over onto him, and quickly, a referee is there to make the three count.) ONE, TWO, THREE - WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - LADDER! The referee hangs the title over Ladder's rungs and disappears as quickly as he appeared
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:49:40 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland spots LADDER in the hallway with the Iron Person Heavy Metal DDT Title hanging from its rungs. Davin sneaks up behind LADDER and hits a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Hale slides in to make the 3 count*
YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON PERSON HEAVY METAL CHAMPION---DAVIN MORELAND!
*Davin wanders back with the belt to the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality tent and spots Curt "The Golden God" Schillingworking the tent*
DM: Curt. Come win something.
*Curt "The Golden God" Schilling hits Davin with the FINGERPOKE O' DOOM! He covers! 1, 2, 3! NEW CHAMP!*
YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION...CURT "THE GOLDEN GOD SCHILLING*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:50:00 GMT -5
(Michael Winslow has apparently decided to continue on with the World Tour of the OOWF, after his short stint as party entertainment for Team Rick. He is spotted heading into the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality tent. As he walks in, he is passed by Curt 'The Golden God' Schilling. Curt is carrying the DDT Title. Suddenly and without warning, Michael Winslow pulls a bandana out of his pocket, ties it around his head, and turns to Schilling. His words don't match his lips for the following dialogue [like bad Japanese horror flicks].)
Winslow: Curt Schilling! You want to fight? FIGHT ME!
(Schilling turns around and gets into a defensive stance, but gets absolutely LEVELED by a flying side kick from Winslow. Michael Winslow follows up with a stomp kick right into the groin of the Golden God.)
Winslow: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Winslow places his foot squarely on Schilling's chest, and ref quickly makes the count.)
ONE, TWO, THREE - WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MICHAEL WINSLOW!
(Winslow grabs the title and walks off.)
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:50:42 GMT -5
Alexander Darling notices what just happened in the Dunkin Donuts hospitality tent and he waits until his partner (thanks for the assist last night) leaves. Moreland finally leaves and Darling grabs two packets of ketchup. He taps Curt "the not so golden god" Schilling on the shoulder. He squirts one packet of ketchup into Schilling's eyes and the other onto his ankle. Schilling falls to floor yelling something about Kobe and teammates and blogs.
A referee jumps in and counts 1,2,3.
YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION....Ketchup.
Darling then wipes some of the ketchup off Schilling's face and walks down the hallway to where Justin Sane is finally waking up after losing to Ladder earlier in the day. Alexander slaps Justin a few times to get him coherent.
Alexander: Can you try not losing this within 5 minutes again, please? Pissing Moose off is bad enough, at least make it worth it.
Justin: But my dastardly enemy Ladder is sure to find a way.
Alexander: Just go sit in a dark room by yourself. You won't be the first to do it and at least you have a belt.
Alexander wipes the ketchup on the ground and motions for Justin to stand on it.
A referee pops in and counts 1,2,3.
YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION...Justin Sane.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:51:02 GMT -5
DAMN YOU DEMKO...
Alexander realizes he's been duped and YAKUZA kicks Michael Winslow. He picks Justin Sane up and has him cover Winslow.
YOUR WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION...Justin Sane.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:51:52 GMT -5
Attitude Adjuster is walking down the Hall of Random Encounters with his DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title thrown over his shoulder, a sandwich in one hand, and his cell phone in another
AA: Yeah Johnny, it is great! I am a third of the campeonas de trios champions AND I have the DDT title too! I tell ya, I am SWIMMING in gold here! AND I am going to win the Onslaught title tournament this week!.........what?.........no no, OF COURSE I can't wait for you to come back!.............OF COURSE I need you, we are a team remember?............look, you just keep up the physical therapy and I will see you soon...........yeah I.....uh oh
<just then two very large Native American men step into the hallway in front of Attitude Adjuster>
.....Johnny have we pissed off the Native Americans lately?.............well I mean beside the Medicine Man.............yeah I know, but that was YEARS ago..........I.....Oh shit
<The Native Americans grab Attitude Adjuster and before AA can even move, they KILL him with TOTAL ELIMINATION! They stand over AA, but neither man goes for a cover. After a few seconds an ancient man hobbles toward AA carrying a small pouch with something inside it and a long wooden staff. The man, who appears to be a Medicine Man, takes something out of the pouch and mutters a few words, then sprinkles some dust across Attitude Adjuster. He then takes his staff and puts it on AA's throat, almost immediately a referee appears......
ONE, TWO, THREE - WINNER AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MEDICINE MAN!
The referee hands the title to the Medicine Man and he nods in approval and walks off with the belt. The Invisible Ninja Cameraman follows them down the hall, as they round the corner they come across Justin Sane arguing with LADDER>
JS: OH REALLY? And you think that that makes what you did ok?
L:.........
JS: Don't you give ME the silent treatment mister! I saw what you did!
L:.........
JS: Chair huh? I suppose that is a plausible explanation but I........
<just then LADDER falls forward and catches the contemplating Sane with a shot to the head. Sane falls to the floor with a gash in his head, out cold. The Medicine Man mutters something to the two larger Indians and they stand LADDER back up against the wall. The Medicine Man takes out a peace pipe and takes a few puffs from it and then offers it to LADDER, inexplicably, a few puffs of smoke come out of the pipe. The Medicine Man nods and takes the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title and drapes it across LADDER'S rungs and a referee appears
WINNER BY FORFEIT, AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - LADDER!
The referee disappears and the Medicine Man nods and he and his muscle walk down the hall and disappear>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:52:26 GMT -5
<first we make a stop backstage>
SFJ#47: “This is SFJ#47, backstage at Operation Onslaught: Red, White & Bruised, and I am approaching the locker room of World Heavyweight Champion L.D. Williams, to get his comments on the possibility that the war may end tonight.”
**SFJ#47 knocks on the locker room door and, when no one answers, puts her ear to the door. She hears voices, and enters. Inside, L.D. Williams, Moosehead Jack, Eric O'Mac, IHOP, Attitude Adjuster, F.F. MacCappington, Ryan Hardcore, Donovan Viper and L.D. William's mother are talking. SFJ#47 approaches L.D.**
SFJ#47: “L.D., what is your reaction to the possibility that the war may end tonight?”
LD: “This is my reaction. If we’re ever going to get a picture of Bennett's army as champions for the cover of the OOWF magazine, it'll have to be now.”
SFJ#47: “But how did you find a photographer?”
LD: “Ma's going to do it. She's taken pictures of all of the big moments in my life.”
LD's Mother: “It's true – his first knuckle knife, his first contract, his first arraignment...”
LD: “Alright, let’s get this done.”
LD'sM: “Okay everyone, gather on the far wall – and make sure your belts are visible.”
**All of the title holders do as their told and arrange themselves with some difficulty.** ....
LD'sM: “Son, can I see you for a moment?”
**L.D. walks over, and SFJ#47 follows.**
LD'sM: “Son, what about Donovan?”
LD: “What about him?”
LD'sM: “He's over in the corner by himself.”
LD: “He doesn't have a title.”
LDS'M: “But the poor dear looks so forlorn...”
LD: “<sigh> Hang on...”
*******
**Carl from Fresno, eating one of Roma's Pretty Wonderful Wraps, is walking down the Hallway of Random Violence, when he hears someone call his name. He turns around, and L.D. Williams drills him with a ladder. Carl goes down, the wrap goes flying, and the ladder lands on top. A referee slides in to make the count.
WINNER AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION – LADDER!
Williams picks up the ladder and the belt and walks away.**
******* **L.D. Williams walks into his locker room.**
LD: “Hey Donnie, catch.”
**Williams throws the ladder and it hits Viper in the knees. Viper goes down, and lands on top of the ladder. A referee materializes to make the count.**
WINNER AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION – DONOVAN VIPER!
LD: “Alright, now you're in the picture.”
LD'SM: “Perfect. Okay everyone, take your places.”
LD'SM: “You can stop trying to hide, AA, I'm not going to hurt you again.”
LD'SM: “SYB, sweetie, every time you make a rude gesture at the camera, I break a bone, mmkay?”
LD'SM: “Good, now everyone say 'napalm!'”
*******
**With the picture taken, L.D. throws everyone out of the locker room. Viper is the last to leave. He slowly opens the door and looks around carefully before stepping into the hallway. He takes about three steps before Carl from Fresno slams him in the face with a chair. Viper crumples to the floor, and Carl covers him. A referee slides in and counts the pin.
WINNER AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION – CARL FROM FRESNO!
Carl gets up and sees L.D. standing in the doorway of his locker room.**
CFF: “That wrap was expensive. Jerl.”
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Post by mooseheadjack on Aug 15, 2008 18:53:01 GMT -5
<Moose watches Fire walk away shaking his head slowly. Moose stops in mid-shake and gets a funny look on his face, then slowly turns his head and sees Carl From Fresno gnawing on the hand holding the candy bar>
MHJ: What are you doing?
CFF: M vry hngfy
MHJ: doesn't gnawing on my hand break the cease fire?
CFF: innuhno
<Carl keeps gnawing on the chocolatey goodness in Moose's hand, slobbering all over it, finally Moose releases the candy giving it a little shove as he does. Carl tries to swallow the sloppy chocolate mess, but begins to choke, as Moose stands there watching, Eddie Izzard shows up>
Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.
( mumbling and coughing )
"Your hymen’s been removed?"
"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )
"You need it removed? Right…"
I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver,developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,
"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"
"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for fuck's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian."
"Well, what is it, Günther?"
"I have invented a maneuver!"
"What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"
"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"
<Carl falls to the floor and continues to choke as Izzard continues his monologue and Moose watches. LD Williams walks up to Moose>
LD: What's going on?
MHJ: Nothing, I am just listening to Eddie Izzard riff on the Heimlich maneuver, this guy is hilarious
LDW: You like him?
MHJ: Cracks me up
LDW: Isn't he a transvestite?
MHJ: Executive transvestite, they are into running, jumping, climbing trees, and putting on makeup. Big difference.
LDW: Ahh I see. And what's his deal <pointing to Carl>
MHJ:Oh him? He's choking
LDW: Huh. Interesting. Should we do something?
MHJ: I think that would break the cease fire
LDW: Good point
Izzard: I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.
( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..."
( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath."
“I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot)
“I still cannot breath."
"Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot )
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
"Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow!
( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )
"Must be a combination. No, ok… "
"Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop…
"Frying pan…"
( Hans collapses to thefloor )
"Oh, he's dead."
Other doctors are going,
"How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?"
"Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture."
As the National Rifle Association says, it's not guns that kill people - it's maneuvers.
LDW: Gotta say, you were right, he is funny as hell
MHJ: Told you. Eddie, can you sign this for me?
EI: Sure, you have something to write on?
MHJ: Just use the guy on the floor
<Izzard signs the paper on Carl's chest, a referee appears from nowhere......ONE, TWO, THREE....WINNER AND NEW OOWF DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION.......EDDIE IZZARD!
MHJ: Congrats Eddie, you are a wrestling champion
EI: What the bloody hell?
LDW: Come on, practice a move, see that guy on the floor? Stomp on his chest
EI: Well I really don't think........
MHJ: Come on, its fun
EI: Well, ok
<Izzard stomps on Carl's chest and the candy wrapper flies out of his mouth and Carl lets out a huge gasp for air. He crawls around the floor trying to regain his breath and composure>
CFF: YOU FUCKERS!!! I ALMOST DIED!!!
MHJ: Carl, that's no way to talk to Eddie Izzard! He saved your life!
CFF: Why is he wearing my belt?
MHJ: Its his now
CFF: How the hell did he claim my title?
MHJ: He had a flag?
LDW: What?
MHJ: Come on LD, me and Eddie will explain it. Let's see if The Golden God is back in town
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Post by mooseheadjack on Sept 25, 2008 9:34:56 GMT -5
place holder for AA winning the title
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Post by mooseheadjack on Sept 25, 2008 9:35:10 GMT -5
*Fade into the Hallway of Somewhat Less Than Random Encounters (a small offshoot of the Hallway of Random Encounters), where we see Fezzik carrying a rather large rock as he approaches Attitude Adjuster. What Attitude Adjuster is doing down the Hallway of Somewhat Less Than Random Encounters is really anyone’s guess, given that it’s pretty dark and narrow and secluded down there, and it looks like the perfect place for someone to attempt to take his OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship…
Fezzik: Hey, AA. We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. AA: You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people? Fezzik (brandishing rock): I could kill you now. AA: I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. Fezzik: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise. AA: I suppose you have a point. Alright. Let’s give this a shot…
*The two men circle each other in the close quarters of the Hallway of Somewhat Less Than Random Encounters. Attitude Adjuster makes the occasional attack on Fezzik, but the giant doesn’t feel a thing and merely pushes Attitude Adjuster to the ground each time…
AA: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? Fezzik: I just want you to feel you’re doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. AA: Well quit it. I’d rather just get this over with if it’s all the same to you. Fezzik: Whatever you say.
*With that, Fezzik bops Attitude Adjuster on the head with the Memory Jog, sending the smaller man to the floor. Fezzik slowly covers Attitude Adjuster, clearly trying to give him time to recover from the head shot. However, a referee appears as if from nowhere, makes the three count, and announces Fezzik as the new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion.
*Fezzik makes his way back to the palatial IHOP lockerroom, where he enters to see Skurge, SYB, The Amnesiac, and the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth going over the thrilling details of their harrowing escape from Niagara Falls…
DM: …who would’ve thought that Mounties don’t wear underwe–oh, Fezzik. Where have you been? Fezzik: Hello lady. I was out for a walk, trying to get the thought of Mounties out of my head. I ran across Attitude Adjuster and took his title. DM:… Skurge:… Amn:… SYB: Wait a minute. Are you telling us you’re the new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion? Fezzik: I guess I am. SYB: Come over here a minute, would you?
*SYB and Fezzik go over to a dark and seedy-looking corner of the palatial IHOP lockerroom…
SYB: Fezzik, how much do you know about money? Fezzik: Very little, I’m afraid. My math skills are surprisingly poor. SYB: Oh that’s okay. It’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I was just wondering if you had any idea how much that title you’re holding is worth? Fezzik: About $100? SYB: Uh…a hundred…I was actually thinking more like $50. Fezzik: That’s pretty much the same though, right? SYB: It suuure is. I’ve got a crisp Canadian $50 bill here that I’ll trade you for that belt. Fezzik: Ooooh! It’s pink! SYB: Yeah, I haven’t been able to figure out this Canadian money yet. It’s like a rainbow of worthlessness. Fezzik: I’d like to take you up on your offer. SYB: You’re sure? It’s a non-refundable offer. Fezzik: I’m sure. Give me the pretty money now, please. SYB: Okay. Here you go. And my belt? Fezzik: Oh yeah, here you go. SYB (emerging from the corner): Ladies and gentlemen, your new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion…SYB! Skurge: Hey dipshit. SYB: Yes?…I mean, I hope you’re not talking to the new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion in that tone. Skurge: You’re not the new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, eh? SYB: Yes I am. I just bought it from Fezzik fair and square. Skurge: *sigh* Have you no sense of history, man? SYB: Not really, no. Skurge: Here’s the deal. What you just did with Fezzik there is highly illegal in the wrestling world. The precedent was set in the case of Tunney v. DiBiase. That title is vacant, my friend. SYB: What. The. Fuck. That’s not possible. I bought it. It’s mine. Skurge: Fraid not, jooboy. Any minute now management’s going to come in here and declare the title vacant. SYB: But I want to be the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion. Skurge: Then you’ll have to enter the tournament. SYB: What tournament? Skurge: *sigh* Really? WrestleMania IV doesn’t ring a bell? SYB: There was a WrestleMania IV!? Skurge: There suuure was, eh? Big tournament to decide who was going to carry the vacant title. SYB: Huh. Who knew? Skurge: Everyone. Everyone knew. SYB: Yeah, well, they’re not taking my title from me. They don’t have the balls. Skurge: You’re saying GM TheRick doesn’t have the balls to strip you of the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship, declare it vacant, and set up a tournament to determine who deserves to carry it? SYB: I am indeed saying that. Skurge: And you’re saying L.J. Bennett doesn’t have the balls to strip you of the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship, declare it vacant, and set up a tournament to determine who deserves to carry it? SYB: Wow. Bennett. Um…He’s, like, the boss and stuff. Uh…Fuck it. He doesn’t have the balls either. Skurge: Well then, it seems the challenge has been issued. SYB: What? What challenge? Skurge (to camera): Mr. Bennett, GM TheRick, you heard what my partner had to say. Now it’s up to you to decide whether you want to see 20+ years of wrestling precedent thrown out the window, or whether you want to stand up and show this crazy jooish person that you do, indeed, have the balls to strip him of the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship, declare it vacant, and set up a tournament to determine who deserves to carry it. DM (whispering to Skurge): Um, what are you doing? Skurge: Don’t worry, I’m just fucking with Solly. There’s no way in hell Bennett or Rick has the balls to vacate the title…
*FADE*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Sept 25, 2008 9:35:36 GMT -5
<GM the Rick shakes his head and keeps on walking down the hall until he gets to the Palatial IHOP Locker Room, he knocks on the door and The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth opens the door>
TLaTDM: Yes?
GMtR: Is SYB here?
TLaTDM: Good to see you too, glad you were concerned about out near death experience being stuck on the top of Niagra Falls and all that
GMtR: Yeah, about that, you flew in on a piece of bacon?
TLaTDM: You wanted to see SYB about something
....:aboot
TLaTDM: Shut up already
<The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth lets GM the Rick into the Palatial IHOP locker room. SYB comes out from the back wearing the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title........and evidently nothing else>
TLaTDM: What the hell are you doing?
SYB: I like the way the leather feels against my skin. Sue me, eh?
TLaTDM: GO PUT SOMETHING ELSE ON NOW!
<SYB pouts and leaves, then comes back a moment later wearing a pair of San Diego Padres basketball shorts with the title draped across his shoulder>
SYB: Fine, what is this all aboot
GMtR: The title......give it to me, now.
SYB: Fuck you, asshole!
<SYB immediately flinches>
GMtR: What the hell are you doing?
SYB: That was from The Terminator, you were supposed to rip out my heart and show it to me
GMtR: What the hell is wrong with you?
TLaTDM: We don't have that kind of time
GMtR: Look, I am here for the title, I am stripping you of the belt because you can't buy titles in the OOWF
SYB: What if I say no?
GMtR: Look, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way
SYB: What movie is that from?
GMtR: GIVE ME THE GODDAMN TITLE
SYB: I am afraid I can't do that
GMtR:<sighing> Fine
<GM the Rick reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hand full of change and drops it on the floor>
SYB: OOH MONEY!
<SYB drops to the floor and greedily starts collecting the money. GM the Rick picks up a large vase conveniently sitting on a nearby pedestal and drops it on SYB's head 3 Stooges Style, SYB is out cold. GM the Rick flips him over and puts his foot on his chest and motions to a referee in the hall. The referee runs in and makes the three count
WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - GM the RICK>
GMtR:<sighing> I didn't want to have to do it like that
TLaTDM: Does it bother you that you support the portrayal of a negative stereotype?
<GM the Rick looks at her for a moment>
GMtR: OOWF: We Are Racial Stereotypes!
<Rick leaves and heads back to his office.>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Oct 13, 2008 10:58:11 GMT -5
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room. SYB and The Amnesiac are discussing their respective win and loss in the OOWF Invitational Tag Team Tournament at OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/OOWF Invitational Tag Team Tournament 2008 Live! From Springfield, Kentucky. The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth is engaged in a lively game of Scrabble with Fezzik, the latter having just played QWIJIBO, claiming that it’s a word in Greenland. Since Skurge isn’t in the palatial IHOP locker room, and since he’s the subject of this promo, let’s *FADE* out of the palatial IHOP locker room and…
*Fade in to the deserted office of GMtheRick. The door opens, and Skurge enters. He closes the door behind him before turning on the lights. He makes his way over to GMtheRick’s desk and begins rummaging through it. Just then, the closet opens, and GMtheRick steps out…
GMtR: Well well. What have we here? Skurge: Mr. theRick! Shit. Um, this isn’t what it looks like. I was just, uh–wait, did you just come oot of the closet? Solly’s gonna love this one. GMtR: Shut it. You were just going through my desk. Again. Skurge: Again? GMtR: *sigh* Just because it never really went anywhere doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Look at this please.
*GMtheRick points a remote at a TV, and the following video plays as the two men watch:
GMtR: Care to explain what that was all about before explaining what you’re doing in here now? Skurge: Not particularly, no. GMtR: That envelope was mine. It contained private…documents. Sensitive documents. My documents. I want it back. Skurge: I’m afraid I can’t do that, eh? I gave the envelope to Dorothy. GMtR: Fine then. I’ll take it up with her. Now, what are you doing going through my desk this time? Skurge: I was looking for…um…the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship belt. Yeah, that’s it. I wanted to give it back to Solly. GMtR: Huh. You don’t say. So first you took my documents, and now you want to take my OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship belt? You have an unhealthy interest in my possessions, Skurge. I’ll decide on a punishment for this later. For now, just leave my office before I make you leave it.
*GMtheRick begins to advance on Skurge, who backs away, not wanting to hurt GMtheRick and get in more trouble than he’s already in. As he backs up, Skurge steps on a loose floorboard, the other end of which flies up and catches GMtheRick under the chin, knocking him out cold. Skurge rushes over and places his hand on GMtheRick’s chest, checking for a heartbeat. A referee appears out of nowhere and makes the three count before Skurge can protest, then the referee announces “Your winner and new OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal champion, Skurge!” The referee then hands the OOWF DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship belt to a stunned Skurge, who quickly and quietly begins making his way back to the palatial IHOP locker room, wary of attacks from the shadows. *FADE*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Dec 13, 2008 14:50:04 GMT -5
<Moose leaves his locker room carrying something in his hand, but we can't quite see what it is, as he goes down the hall, he turns several corners and finally seems to come across what he is looking for. Skurge is standing there with the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title on his shoulder finishing an interview with a random Sexy Female Journalist. He sees Moose and immediately gets in a defensive stance>
MHJ: Hey hey no need for that, I actually come bearing gifts
Skurge: Bullshit Moose.
MHJ: Look Skurge, I have known LD for a long time, and he is Canadian. I thought Canadians were a gentle, trusting people? Why the hostility
Skurge: <mockingly> Hi! I'm Moosehead Jack! I like to kill people! Why should I trust you?
MHJ: Would someone with ill intentions have this nice, cold, frosty, Canadian brewed beer on him? One that he was willing to share as a token of his good will?
<As Moose says this he waves the bottle in front of Skurge's face, Skurge automatically follows the bottle, licking his lips the whole time.>
MHJ: So, you wanna toast the coming new year?
Skurge: Hey a Canadian can only take so much!
<Moose pops the top of the beer, and then a second one, he throws the first one to Skurge, but throws it a little high. Skurge reaches up to grab the beer and Moose takes the second beer and SMASHES it in Skurge's face! Skurge falls to the floor (but never spills a drop of his beer) Moose falls on Skurge and a referee appears....
ONE, TWO, THREE - WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - Moosehead Jack!
The referee disappears and Moose picks up the title and the beer, tosses the title over his shoulder and takes a long swig of the beer and walks away laughing. Skurge starts to stir>
Skurge: What the hell was that all aboot?
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:08:37 GMT -5
*Davin Moreland is WALKING~! down the hallway of a Dingy Hotel Room (Moose Royalties) and Moonbeam (SFJ420) is in tow carrying a microphone and a chocolate donut. Davin is wearing a Post-Modern Full Douchebag Suit, Douchebag Sunglasses which probably cost more than the suit, and is wearing his OOWF World Championship around his waist like a good champion should. He's also batisatlaughing to himself down the hallway*
SFJ420: Dude, stop doing that, you're freakin me out.
DM: Doing what?
SFJ420: Laughing at yourself for no reason?
DM: Does Moonbeam like it?
SFJ420: No. It's obnoxious and it's pissing me off.
DM: Good, then Davin Moreland is doing his job. Davin Moreland, CEO of Davin Moreland, Inc, should give Davin Moreland a raise.
SFJ420: Is that hard to do?
DM: Moonbeam has no idea.
SFJ420: *sighs* Well anyway, there's been a lot of talk about war lately in the OOWF. Do you care to comment?
DM: Of course Davin Moreland would like to comment. *He stops walking and batistalaughs* Davin Moreland thinks there are a lot of simple-minded wrestlers in this company that are incapable of existing without having a war to fight. Davin Moreland is self-motivated. Davin Moreland is a self-starter. Davin Moreland doesn't require artificial factors to give his very best on a nightly basis. Davin Moreland is an entertainer. Davin Moreland is a showman.
SFJ420: So...are you saying that declaring "war" indicates a lack of focus?
DM: Has Moonbeam been forced to smoke the dirt weed this week? Moonbeam is far smarter than usual.
SFJ420: Moonbeam has...I mean...I've been practicing and studying.
DM: Davin Moreland thinks that's admirable. Davin Moreland thinks Moonbeam has a future as a scholar.
SFJ420: Back to the question please, Champ?
DM: *batistalaughs* All Davin Moreland knows Moonbeam, is that while Stank and Drago are focused on fighting an imaginary war; they're not paying attention to the current situation at hand. Run DEA is not at war. Run DEA is the greatest faction in the history of recorded time. *batistalaughs* Run DEA is worried about Championships and being the best, the pinnacle of Run DEA's profession. Run DEA has no need for war. Run DEA doesn't need artificial motivation. As a good Yankee Fan would say, "Kiss the rings, Bitch". Run DEA has the rings, and those such as Stank and Drago have nothing but hopes, dreams and jealousy to fuel their days.
SFJ420: Did you just say you were a Yankee Fan.
DM: Davin Moreland doesn't remember making that statement.
SFJ420: But you just said...
DM: Davin Moreland has no comment.
SFJ420: Fine. So if you're not concerned about an impending war; why are we here today?
DM: *batistalaughs* Davin Moreland is here to pay a visit to an old friend. An old friend who as of late has lost his way. Davin Moreland feels Davin Moreland can help this old friend regain the standing of which he deserves. Davin Moreland is a healer. Davin Moreland is a mediator. Davin Moreland is an opportunity provider. Davin Moreland cares about those Davin Moreland respects.
SFJ420: Respects? Uh oh...
*Davin Moreland does some douchebag rhythmic knock on the door, and it cracks open*
DM: Hello. Davin Moreland, OOWF World Heavyweight Champion is here to visit.
*A voice from inside answers*
VFI: You can visit, but if you talk like that - I'll just stab you.
DM: *batistalaughs* Davin Moreland thinks you won't have anything to worry about once Davin Moreland is out of range of the NinjaCams. Davin Moreland is a fine actor. Davin Moreland does what Davin Moreland needs to do to achieve the results Davin Moreland wants.
VFI: Fine. Come in. Tell me what's on your mind.
*The door closes*
SFJ420: Anyone got a lighter? Mine just died. (She's holding a curiously shaped hand-rolled cigarette of some sort.)
*Time passes. Commercials run. We come back and see a red-eyed Moonbeam leaning against the wall, sucking down a real cigarette. But...she just had a...never mind. The door flies open, and Davin Moreland slowly moves to the hallway. And behind him, is that...*
DM: Well, thanks for hearing me out, Moose. I know it's a lot to take in; but you know as well as I do - if you and/or LD really want to get your groove back, so to speak; turning face and wrestling with D&D isn't really the way to go. I mean, by God, I have this douchebag heel thing down so well that everyone NOT in Run DEA a face. And Moose, I saw "Crete and Moosey" *he unbuttons a couple of buttons on his dress shirt to reveal a "Crete and Moosey" t-shirt underneath*, and you're a shitty face.
*Moose simply nods his head in the direction behind Davin. He slowly turns around and sees Kayfabe in full on meltdown mode, crying and sobbing*
DM: Oh, Kayfabe...I'm sorry, I'm just...
*Kayfabe just glares*
DM: Oh, right.
*Davin puts his douchetastic sunglasses back on*
MHJ: Davin, I will take what you say under advisement.
DM: *batistalaughs* Moosehead Jack says that; but Davin Moreland doesn't trust Moosehead Jack means what he says. Davin Moreland feels like Davin Moreland is getting sunshine blown up Davin Moreland's ass.
MHJ: Trust me. I'll think about it.
DM: Fine. Oh hey! Look who it is!
*Angelo Barros comes walking down the hallway*
MHJ: Angelo Barros? What the fuck is he do...oh fuck...
*Davin Moreland hits a LIGHTNING FAST REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER and makes the cover. Angelo quick counts to 3.*
Your winner and NEW Iron Person DDT Heavy Metal Champion...DAVIN MORELAND!
DM: Thank you Angelo. Davin Moreland is grateful. Say hi to your parents for Davin Moreland.
*Angelo nods and walks away. Davin starts to walk away down the hallway back from whence he came. Moonbeam is late to react and follows him; but is far to blazed to ask a question*
DM: *facing away from the camera* WOO! I'm the gnarliest double-champ EVER!
SFJ420: Wait...what?
DM: Davin Moreland thinks Moonbeam shouldn't worry about it. Does Moonbeam want a Chocolate Donut?
SFJ420: Moonbeam DOES!
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:09:04 GMT -5
*Hard cut to the Run DEA Locker Room and Suites, presented by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels. OOWF World Champion Davin Moreland is wearing both belts now, as the gnarliest double-champ ever. Samantha is dutifully waiting for him, all 50's housewife style.*
SD: Welcome back, Dear.
DM: Hello Samantha Darling. Davin Moreland has returned.
SD: Yes he has. Hey, new belt?
DM: Davin Moreland sees Samantha Darling is paying attention. Davin Moreland is now the gnarliest double-champ EVER!
SD: Yes you are. How about we...uh...celebrate?
DM: Is Samantha Darling sure Samantha Darling is up to it?
SD: Oh yes. Strange things happen when the NinjaCams aren't on.
DM: Lead the way, Samantha Darling.
*They both head into Davin's suite. A logo appears at the bottom of the screen "32 minutes later". Suddenly Angelo Barros appears and goes into Davin's suite. He's only there for a few seconds; but he has a weird smile on his face. New logo on the screen says "17 minutes later". Davin and Samantha are looking suddenly unkempt, and Samantha comes out of the suite with the Iron Person DDT Heavy Metal Belt slung over her shoulder*
Your Winner by PINFALL and NEW Iron Person DDT Heavy Metal Champion...SAMANTHA DARLING!
DM: Well done, Samantha Darling.
SD: You're not upset you lost the belt?
DM: It was well worth it.
*fade*
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:09:26 GMT -5
<Time passes and we get the blank screen and porno music, the music builds to a crescendo then stops and we hear....
WINNER and NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - DAVIN MORELAND
.......Davin emerges a few moments later and winks at the referee then leaves the locker room>
<Davin Moreland wanders down the hall of the Springfield Arena and Sportsman Complex with a strange smile on his face and the OOWF World Heavyweight Title around his waist and his newly won DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Title over his shoulder. The Champ is stopped by a Sexy Female Journalist Earning Her Number>
SFJEHN: Davin, it appears that you have picked up some more hardware, why would you go after the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal title when you have half the roster already coming after you for your World Title?
DM: <slowly removes his sunglasses and chuckles to himself> You see random mic stand, Davin Moreland is the epitome of professional wrestling perfection, and Davin Moreland is leading the premier, elite group in professional wrestling. If Davin Moreland wanted to, Davin Moreland could snatch up all the titles in the OOWF and defend them every single nigh, because, truth be told, there is not a wrestler in the OOWF that can hang with Davin Moreland. I took this title to prove a point, and that point is..............
SFJEHN: That point is..........
DM:.............
SFJEHN: Davin? That point is?
<Davin's eyes glaze over a little and he falls forward first to his knees, then face first to the floor. We see Moosehead Jack standing behind Moreland holding a bloody barbed wire baseball bat. The camera quickly pans down and we see blood trickling off the back of Moreland's head. Moose hooks Davin and rolls him over, covers and a referee appears.....
ONE.....TWO......THREE - NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MOOSEHEAD JACK!
The referee disappears and Moose gets to his feet and grabs the title and the barbed wire bat, looks down at Moreland then throws the title over his shoulder and walks away>
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:09:44 GMT -5
**Matte sees the new DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion, Moosehead Jack, title over his shoulder, barbed wire baseball bat in hand, walking away from an unconscious Davin Moreland. He stops him with intent to somehow win the title from Moosehead Jack.**
Matte: Moose.
Moose: What do you want, new guy?
**Matte points to the title belt over Moose's shoulder.**
Matte: That.
Moose: Well then what the hell are you talking to me for?
Matte: I want to propose a match.
Moose: A match? For this belt? No.
Matte: Why not?
Moose: If you want this belt, you're going to have to find a way to take it from me. Not in a match, not in the ring, nothing like that. You're new here, you don't know what's going on around here, and you don't know how to make it here.
Matte: I disagree.
Moose: Do you?
Matte: I do. Thank you kindly for your lecture, though, bookerman. I'll take it in.
Moose: What?
Matte: Nevermind.
**Matte walks away, stepping over Davin Moreland, as Moosehead Jack continues walking in the opposite direction.**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:10:17 GMT -5
**Moosehead Jack rounds a corner and finds himself face-to-face with Matte. They stand still for a while before either of them speaks.**
Moose: Can I help you?
Matte: I'm taking that belt. Right now.
**Matte swings, but Moose ducks the closed-fist and tackles Matte into the wall. Matte tries to free himself from Moose, but he can't.**
Moose: Do it right next time.
**Moose lets go of Matte, shoves him aside, then keeps walking. Matte holds his mid-section and lets out a sigh.**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:10:37 GMT -5
FF Capslock runs in, picks up Matte and swings him into Moosehead Jack, crashing their skulls together. FF Capslock pins Moose and a ref slides in and counts
Ref- 1! 2! 3! The winner and NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion...FF Capslock!!!
A banner unsheaths above him with "30 TIME CHAMPION!!!" written on it. A crowd surrounds him and he takes the podium.
Capslock- Gosh...I don't know what to say...I never thought I'd make it this far in wrestling. I mean...30 DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championships, 3 Tag and 2 IC...wow...I'm a 35 time champion!!!
Moose comes to.
MHJ- Who the fuck just hit me!
Matte- That guy hit you with me actually. He took your belt.
MHJ- I'm gonna kill him! You're gonna get your ass kicked...uh...who the hell are you?
Capslock- FF Capslock.
MHJ- Doesn't ring a bell.
Capslock- Drink & Destroy.
MHJ- Hmmm....nope...
Capslock- I shot you!
MHJ- I think I'd remember that...
Capslock- TWICE!
MHJ- I know I'd remember that!
Capslock- I hate you.
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:11:09 GMT -5
**Matte, still groggy, approaches FF Capslock at the podium. Moose is standing beside the podium, as well.**
Matte: Hey.
**Matte grabs the barbed wire baseball bat from Moose's hand and swings it at Capslock, hitting him in the arm. Moose goes to take his bat back, but Matte swings the bat and nails him on the top of the head. Moose falls to the floor and Matte swings the bat at Capslock for the second time. This time, the shot connects with Capslock's face. He's out cold as he falls to the floor beside Moose. Matte tosses the bat aside and covers Capslock. The referee counts to three and declares Matte the NEW DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Champion! Matte gets to his feet and stares into his first ever OOWF title belt.**
Matte: There, I did it right.
**A Sexy Female Journalist approaches him.**
SFJ: How do you feel about winning your first ever belt here in the OOWF?
Matte: It's cool, I guess.
SFJ: You guess?
Matte: Yea, I mean, it's cool. It's like... I don't know.
SFJ: It's like what?
Matte: Nevermind.
**Matte leaves the area and the last shot we see is of Moosehead Jack and FF Capslock, motionless on the floor. Moose with blood trickling from his scalp; Capslock with bleeding gashes in his upper arm and a blood-soaked face.**
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Post by mooseheadjack on Mar 9, 2009 11:11:30 GMT -5
<Matte turns around to leave and Moose BLASTS him in the face with a barbed wire baseball bat! Matte hits the ground like he has been shot. Moose falls on top of him and out of nowhere a referee appears....>
ONE TWO THREE.....WINNER AND NEW DDT IRON MAN HEAVY METAL CHAMPION - MOOSEHEAD JACK
<The referee hands Moose the title, then disappears, Moose gets a few more kicks in>
MHJ: There, now you are a part of the story
<Moose slings the title over his shoulder and turns and goes back into his locker room>
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